It is not in the wind
Nor in the morning's glow
It is in the air I breathe,
And the blood that keeps pulsing.
It is in every bloody blow,
And each waking moment I seethe.
It is about that weight in my chest,
And also the dry tears bleeding through.
It is a bored silence on the crest,
It is a handful of words in the stew,
A billion possibilities in waiting
Haphazardly thrown off to the screaming winds.
It renders dreams vivid, and old thoughts asinine.
End of the line
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Hello!
I thought this was a really interesting way of writing a poem. It was pretty solid, but I'll try to help you improve it as much as I can.
So I noticed your syllable count increasing... I don't know if you intended to increase by one every two lines, but you didn't quite get that. The syllable counts for every line are as follows:
6 6 7 7 8 8 9 9 9 10 12 12 12 4
I can understand why the final line does not fit the pattern, and I think that's a good thing that it doesn't.
However, you have three nines, one ten, and no elevens. Now, of course if this wasn't something you were intending, don't mind me, I just think it would be cool if it followed the pattern it displayed at the beginning.
I don't understand why it isn't the wind or the morning's glow, other than the reason might be that they're cliche, and that's why they aren't inspiration for you, but honestly I find dawn and wind to be very inspiring, no matter how cliche they are, and some of the other things you find inspiring are pretty cliche too, so why exclude the wind and the morning's glow? I'd also like to hear other things that aren't inspiration. Honestly I find things that relate to blood to be generally very cliche in poetry. I think here is one of those times where it is pretty cliche. It still works, but it gives the poem a certain... tawdriness, I guess. If that's a thing a poem can be.
I like the stew line bunches and bunches.
"asinine" feels like it doesn't fit. It's a big word in a poem full of smaller words that are more commonly known.
I like the end. c:
I hope this was somewhat helpful! Let me know if you have any questions, and keep writing!
~fortis
Ah, 'tis an intersting poem you have here. Certainly mysterious to say the least, to me anyways.
The left me with a sense of wondering. What is this "it" you are mentioning? And then I see the line "End of the line" and I wonder, is this the "it" they were speaking of? What does it mean? The person narrating the poem mentions their life in many ways… Could the end of the line be their death? I love it when a poem gets me to thinking like this. Where I can (almost) piece things together. 'Twas not very long; short and lovely, and it got me to think.
Now for things I… caught my attention. I would suggest remove the "also" from [quote=And also the dry tears bleeding through.][/quote] To me, it sort of ruined the… pace of the poem, if that make any sense. It feels awkward being there, and reading that without that word made it feel a lot more smooth. Of course, it's a matter of preference. Another thing that felt a bit off was your repeated use of "it is" Again just a matter of preference.
Other than those two lil' things I mentioned, the poem is fine. I hope to see more from you in the future. Enjoy your stay here at YWS. Hope we can be friends!
~The dark one.
"It" actually refers to "Inspiration". It might be interpreted as something else, though. This is mostly the product of my musings between (alright, during...) two lectures on statistic physics if I recall correctly.
)
Actually, the poem is made to be a progression, from hexasyllabes to dodecasyllabes if I recall correctly, with the last line being a sudden interruption in the flow of inspiration, since the bloody thing always ends up running out in the end, leaving me to work out the end of the work (usually the middle part of the piece
Now, this does lead, as stated in my description, to what I feel is a fairly clunky poem, because I have to respect (self-imposed) metric constraint while still putting in the "chunks of verse" that get stuck in my head. However, I would argue that the "also" taking you out of the poem means I got the effect I wanted. Indeed, as initially planned (if I recall correctly, I wrote that a while ago) that verse was intended as an afterthought.
Retrospectively, now that you point it out, it does break the flow of the poem, which is unfortunate, although the poem really is not meant to be the lyrical kind. If it is not too much too ask, could you try reading it like someone's musings on inspiration? (the repeated "it is" stems from the same "absent-minded musings" mentality, I ll try getting "deadline" posted next, it gives a pretty good idea of the way things go on in my head)
As for the end of the line? Well, it IS death in a sense. Inspiration runs out. I have to catch on two hours of statistic physics, probably one of the most braindead things I have ever had to learn in my life. And it also means that there is nothing more worth saying.
I too hope we will be on good terms in the future!
Who said we're not on good terms?
You're clearly very knowledgable about poetry and I admire that. I only know the basics, since it's not my primary area in writing. I hope to see more from you in the future! <3