She stared at me, her eyes a cold and unforgiving grey. I stared at her, my eyes a soft, heartbroken brown, wet and shiny with tears brimming on my lashes, heavy with regret and unspoken apologies. She blinked once and turned on her heel, the winter wind pulling at her long black hair and the baggy black t-shirt she wore. The baggy black t-shirt that used to be my own. She stepped away, one foot after the other, and I could barely hear the soft pad of her Puma sneakers over the rush of the breeze. The mist swallowed her up in mere seconds, leaving nothing but the shadow of a silhouette.
My throat stung as the tears started overflowing, drowning me in their sorrows. I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream that I was sorry and that I still loved her. I wanted to scream and beg for her forgiveness. Beg her to stay, even if it was just for a little while. I tried to scream. But no sound came out. None.
And I wondered what was going through her mind at this moment. Wondered what she was doing. Was she breaking down as I was right now? Or was she glad? Glad that I wasn’t following her like a lost puppy anymore? Glad that the burden weighing down on her shoulders had finally been lifted?
I clawed at my throat and grasped at the periwinkle fabric of my worn sweatshirt. My mouth lolled open, gasping for air. My body convulsed with each inhale and shuddered with each lost breath.
The tears stopped falling. Sooner than I wanted them to. I didn’t bother to wipe off the stains on my cheeks. I let them dry up until nothing was left. My throat was raw, though I hadn’t made a sound. My legs quivered with exhaustion, though I hadn’t moved an inch. My hands shook with shock, though I was not surprised by her decision.
I wasn’t surprised, no, I was expecting this. We both knew that our relationship had grown tenuous over the years. It was only a matter of time until this happened. But the thought gave me no comfort as I crouched on the snow-dusted pavement, my nose numb to the cold and my shoulders shaking. I put in no effort to still them.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I loved how raw and emotional this was! The way you focused on physical sensations towards the end really got me. The varying sentence lengths were jarring and added something of a fast-paced tone to a somber scene, which had a cool effect! My only criticism would have to be that your wording was occasionally a little awkward. Other than that, this was great! Nice job!
I loved how raw and emotional this was! The way you focused on physical sensations towards the end really got me. The varying sentence lengths were jarring and added something of a fast-paced tone to a somber scene, which had a cool effect! My only criticism would have to be that your wording was occasionally a little awkward. Other than that, this was great! Nice job!
Hi Psychotic! It's Poppy, and I'm here for a review!
Wow...this is truly amazing! I love your writing style here! I quite enjoyed how you repeated words in a way that added drama and impact to this piece! It really helped me, as a reader, understand the pain and sorrow this character is going through.
The only thing that stood out to me was that at the end, you mention how your character's nose is pink. But, since this is in first person, how would he be able to see that his nose is pink? It's just a little something that came to mind while I was reading, nothing big, but I just wanted to point that out.
Overall, I loved this! It's a great read, and it's well written in my opinion!
Keep up the great work!
- Poppy
This was amazing! I could actually picture all of the scenes in my head vividly as I was reading them. You give enough background but not too much which gives the reader enough to know what happened but also enough to make us wonder why it became a tenous relationship. Your detail is great as well. There isn't much to criticize here, but I did find a few sentences which seemed a bit awkward.
"Our relationship had grown tenuous over the years, we both knew."
I think this may sound better as,
We both knew our relationship had grown tenuous over the years.
"But that thought gave me no comfort as I crouched on the snow-dusted pavement, my nose chilled pink by the cold and my shoulders shaking."
Might be better as,
The thought brought me no comfort and only seemed to worsen my shaking as I crouched on the snow-dusted pavement, my nose chilled pink.
(I just think the "But that" sounded kinda awkward so if you could find a way to make it flow better in your own way that would probably make it sound better.)
Anyways, I really liked this piece and hope you write some more short stories.
Thank you so much for the feedback! I'll try to keep your advice in mind as I write more.
Wow. I really enjoyed this! The way you use your words is so poetic and captivating - I was hooked from beginning to end! The imagery here is so powerful I felt like I was there. Well done!
One thing I would say you would definitely need to add is paragraphs. Although that sounds simple, not only can they be used to structure your excerpts better, they can be used for effect too. Like simple sentences.
Other than that I honestly really enjoyed reading this. I would love to read more - what led them to this point and what happened after! Seriously, well done!
Thanks! I'll try to incorporate that into my future short stories!