Dancing Inside A Raindrop
2-10-06
The world is moving fast, quaking like volcanic eruption mania disease
we’re a disco ball under this excited freedom gin grin
because I see an entire humanity enraptured by it
there’s a peace sign of white in the disco lights, shining through the globe,
while all the light-soul circles
rotate round ‘nd round the hall of life,
and so many mirror squares are so grey
yet others sparkle,
‘n’ only one in a thousand, once a lifetime,
shimmer.
Dancing inside a raindrop,
Zen in the Disco Hall
lights melting, god’s speckle found
break, breath, yearn, breakthru!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
it's an interesting poem...
"yet others sparkle,
‘n’ only one in a thousand, once a lifetime,
shimmer. "
That piece I found refreshing.
"because I see an entire humanity enraptured by it"
hehe. Classic example of passive writing...I would say: "because I see humanity enraptured."
good job.
( i like i like) this bit is good The world is moving fast, quaking like volcanic eruption mania disease the poem is excellant
heh.
The 'because' is explaining why I'm saying all this.
I too was at a school dance that night. Stopped in the middle of it to stare at the disco ball and consider writing a poem about it, then ducked out from dancing to jot parts of this poem down.
Yeah, I'm a dork. That's right. And I'm also Psylynx.
you know i was at a school dance that night? hmmm just saying...my date was horrible. =/
i loved your use of cutting out letters:
'nd
'n'
that made it flow better or sound more realistic or some thing like that.
and the "breakthru" being one word really annoys me, but since your PsyLynx, you might have done that for a reason...or because you do whatever you want to. either way, i'm just saying...it's weird. i want a space. i'm a space fanatic.
because you said "because" there, it's saying either of these:
"we're until this disco ball...because i see entire humanity enraptured by it."
OR
"because i see an entire humanity enraptured by it, there's a peace sign..."
neither of them make much sense, but if it's what you wanted...whatever.
this had a very sparkling, alive feeling and i loved the first line, the last stanza and everything inbetween. sorry for nitpicking or whatever, but i always feel the need to perfect a beautiful poem (however instubstantial my critiques might be.)