(unamed)

Sorry I don't have a name for this.

The entire family is out, at school and at work. I snuck out of my cage which was unlocked and walked out of the boy’s room. I’v never been outside my cage and this was sort of frightening.

I walked to the banister and climbed up one of the posts, then slid all the way down, and landed with a thud on the lushly carpeted floor in front of a porcelain lamb. It came alive, its body stretching cramped muscles and jumped at me, stamping its feet. It chased me through the house. It chased me up and over the sink, under the couch, and through the open door into the garage. I hid under the car, and the lamb lost interest in me.

Three hours later, I crawled out from under the car and snuck over to the garage door which was left cracked open. I had to push it really hard with my nose to get it to open. I’v never been outside, and I can tell you, it’s amazing. I was content to just lie down in the grass and sleep in the nice warm sun, but Ned scampered up.

“Ned, what are you doing out of your cage?” I asked incredulously.

“I got out. What about you?”

“Same here.”

Ned was from the house next door, and was known for escaping his cage. I reflected back to a conversation that we had a few weeks ago, when Ned somehow got into our house and found me. He was telling me about why he enjoys dating.

His taste in female gerbils was hard to define. He was picky about she-gerbils the same way you might be picky about a condiment. I’ll explain in the exact same way he explained it to me.

“It’s like pickles. They’re good for a while, but soon become sour. Well, you can’t have that, can you? To put it another way... hot peppers. When you look at a hot pepper, you think, ‘that looks delicious’. Then, you bite into it and it’s ‘oh my god’.

You still don’t get it? Well, OK. How about relish, mayonnaise, and ketchup. They are all good and tasty, but you get sick on them after awhile. Moderation, see?”

I didn’t see. Unfortunately for him, I had never tasted any of these foods, so I had no idea what he was talking about.

“OK, OK,” he said, “I’ll make it simple. Mustard and soy sauce. They are all very unique, but ultimately overpower any other food. Do you get it now?”

“No,” I said.

“ C’mon, they all…”

He then heard Mrs. Johnson, his owner, calling, and turned and bounded out of the bedroom.

Still to this day, I have absolutely no idea what condiments had to do with women, or his tastes in them.

Ned heard his owner again disappeared around the side of the house, and I made my way back into the house, and into the kitchen, hoping to find some “condiments”. I climbed up onto the counter and began to search… in vain. I didn’t find any food, but I did notice a large white envelope lying in front of the telephone. I ran over to it and read the front.

“YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON!” was scrawled across the envelope in fake handwriting. Curious, I began chewing on the top, trying to get it open. It took half an hour, but I managed, and slid the paper inside out onto the table.

Apparently, if my owners sent whoever this was, their credit card number, telephone number and mother’s maiden name, they could win a toaster. I blinked at it, and then climbed down one of the bar stools and onto the floor. I had no clue what a toaster was, but they’d be home soon, and I wanted to get back into my cage before they got back. I climbed into my cage just as the front door opened. I was a close call.

I’m determined to ask Ned what a toaster is.