Young Writers Society

First, I'd like to commend you on a very carefully crafted reflection of Russian literature. I think your description was lacking in places and your change in character perspectives not quite as smooth as it could have been but this was well written.

I agree with Suzie that introducing it by use of the horses wasn't great. I'd suggest going straight to talking of the characters or perhaps the coach driver or maybe even the scenery around them. Also, I'd like to see some character interaction, particularly when they're in the carriage. I'd suggest that you expand this and include some dialogue amongst the character's descriptions and backgrounds.

The scene inside the house lacks atmosphere a little. I think you need to describe this grand structure from the inside (and more from the outside too) and the layout of the room and how the people are stood or seated. That always seems to be a focal point of Russian literature. Maybe draw particular attention to the fact that there is a very diverse group of people, emphasise that.

Russian literature doesn't always include description of clothing and such but since you're writing this in modern times, I think it would be helpful if you did. At the moment, the reader gets a sense that this is set in Russia and certainly not in present times but (unless they're aquainted with this period of history) they will find it hard to visualise your scenes without an ample use of description.

If you don't mind moving away from the Russian style a little, I'd suggest you introduce less characters all at once and instead, concentrate on just two or three. Or at least to start with. Also, I'm not sure about referring to Pyotr as 'our friend' as the reader does not know him well enough but from what they do know, he does not seem the friendliest of people. Maybe 'our aquaintance' or 'our guest' would fit?

Overall, a good start and I'd love to read more or a re-write so feel free to pm me with links (or questions) and I hope this helps you a little,

Heather xx

The story takes place in 1812.

hope it helps. ^_~

The Story is amazing! the atmosphere was perfect!
i could'nt stop reading.

only a few mistakes that i noticed:

The coach rounded a corner and slowed, as it neared its destination.

The destination was a large brick block with large arch top windows on the first floor.

wow...you got me hooked from the first sentence.

this might be just something that annoys me, but you tend to start your paragraphs with articles. It kind of dulls it. Just a little.

Otherwise, great job!!!

He was much clumsier [s]then[/s] than his companion

The destination was a large brick block with large arch top windows on the first floor.

The current owners of this grand house were the Polenin’s, a wealthy and extraordinarily respected family.

He’d been a friend of Ivan’s father... a client in fact.

His wife, the second person in the coach [comma] had been an important figure amongst the wealthy and decadent.

The coach jolted to a halt and the three got out, into the cold of the September evening.

A butler was waiting at the door to greet them, take their coats, gloves, scarves, [s]and[/s] hats, and show them into the parlor which had filled almost to capacity.

Pyotr, who had always despised Ivan for being and associating with cossacks, was horrified to discover that perhaps a dozen cossacks had been invited, and were well on their way to becoming completely intoxicated.

...talking to a group of obviously stuffy people whom he’d probably never even met.

well, I've been reading a lot of Russian liturature, and this is the general style in which most of it is written. So, the last paragraph is styled like the way Russian authors would have written it.


They aren't boys. They're 19-22. but I see your point with the use of arch-nemesis.


Thanks for the crit. I appreciate the help.

Pros

This is well-written, with a perfect amount of prose--just enough to add beauty but not to much to make the reader constantly flip through a dictionary of metaphors. There are just a few small things I'd like to point out:

The destination was a large brick block with large arch top windows on the first floor.

The son, Pyotr Dmitrivich, snickered to think that Ivan, his arch-nemesis from their younger years, likely knew about ten percent of the people present. The vast majority were colleagues, friends, and acquaintances of Ivan’s parents.

Pyotr, who had always despised Ivan for being and associating with cossacks, was horrified to discover that perhaps a dozen cossacks had been invited, and were well on their way to becoming completely intoxicated.

Then, as was certain to happen at some point throughout the evening, he spotted Ivan, dressed in his awful cossack’s uniform, sans the ornate cap, talking to a group of obviously stuffy people whom he’d probably never even met.

Here, we must leave our friend Pyotr in favor of a more entertaining and polite figure, the reason for the celebration himself, Ivan Arkadyevich Polenin.