Birds in the night,
Their cries of fright,
Make a camper wonder
What on Earth could make them sound
Like clouds of frightening thunder.
He stands up from the forest floor
and strolls out upon the moor
To see what terror lurks so near
That threatens the quiet solitude
And startles the birds and their skittish fear.
A shadow hovers in the night
From the moon’s soft golden light,
A shadow here, a shadow there
That makes the camper frightened
What is it, this foul thing that creeps forth from it’s lair.
It might devour the camper and birds
Or maybe just come to watch the herds
Of many a golden, brown, moor mare.
He should go back to his warm fire,
A be comforted by its bright, orange flare.
The shadow gets larger and comes down near
The camper is overwhelmed with fear,
Into the light the night owl flies
Through the night and cool spring air
To end the sparrows short, sweet, lives.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I've made sure to read your other poetry after this and must say I liked this the most.
It would be great if you wrote another with a rhyming scheme this good
It flows well, it looks good, the imagery and description is great and I just liked it overall
*hugs*
lexy x
Prosithon,
You can do much better than this.
Maybe a lack of perspective on the subject, and so an excess of focus and detail. Nothing seems real to me; rather, the creation of adolescent dabbling in rhyme schemes and a meager idea.
Some semiological and grammatical errors need fixing; you can do quite a bit of fat-trimming, as well. Indeed, it is hard to see the muscles of this piece for all the fatty (t)issues.
Sorry I can't be positive.
Better luck next time,
Brad
unfortunately, I haven't written that much poetry. I tend to keep to sci-fi.
" Lovely. Absoloutly enchanting. Will take the reader into the forest to hear the sounds themselves."
Mrvica... lol.
Well done, Pros! I really enjoyed this. I like your choice of rhyming structure, and the imagery is excellent.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry!
I think they all like you, Pros... ^_^
What gummy said.
And nice job Pros! I'll have to look out for more of your poetry!
Wiggy
The rhythm scheme fits in with the dark, tense language you used to describe the Nightbirds' appearance, which kept me interested. You created a brilliant atmosphere, but I also agree that the rhyming was forced in some parts (maybe because of the fourth line which is free form, so it might not flow properly).
It tells a supense-filled story which I enjoyed. Keep It Up!
That's cause we all love your avatar... XD.
I mean, c'mon, it's Mrvica... (you should have heard me explaining all this to David, it was hilarious...) ^_^
WHY thankyou! I really didn't expect this many crits. WOW!!!!
Pretty Pros. ^_^ I know a lot of people on here haven't read your other poetry, but I think this is by far one of your very best.
Thanks. ^_^ I could always use crits. hehe... thanks again.
I like your beginning
and as said above, I agree.
also in the end your stanza's get fuller.... which makes it look a bit odd overall
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your rhyming structure is excellent
Thanks, guys. I'm glad you liked it.
I agree with the above.
I just loved it in general. Your description of certain things was nice.
:thumb:
I love the rhyme structure, but it seems as if you were forcing the rhymes. Please don't - it just butchers the beauty that you have here. By the way, this belongs in Narrative Poetry, I think...