Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review
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They headed away from thir dying planet, travelling into the deep unknown of space. Their search for life would begin, but it would be a long and bloody road and their vicious past would follow them to the ends of the galaxy.
‘thir’ = their
Since it takes place in space I think ‘road’ could be replaced by ‘journey’.
Malik Andrews was sitting in church, joining in the special annual services. It was the aniversary of the destruction of Earth and every year at this time, the churches held special services. This service was different thought. This was the thousandth anniversery of earth’s fiery destruction.
‘aniversary’ and ‘anniversery’ = anniversary
Earth should have a capital ‘E’. You can change the bold ‘service’ to ‘ceremony’.
It was said that Earth hadn’t been destroyed, but that the surface had been scoured. it was also said that some people survived and went underground to live.
Capitalise ‘I’ in ‘it’.
The priest up at the alter had finished and the [s]other people were leaving[/s] congregation began to leave, their chatter [s]filling[/s] filled the [s]room[/s] church?.
^^^ See quote
The ride home was uneventful and Malik unlocked his apartment door, and enetered the livingroom.
‘enetered’ = entered, ‘livingroom’ = living room
He stopped [s]on channel[/s] at 1120 and watched the president give a speech to reporters.
^^^ See quote
The president said, “ As of a few minutes ago, three of our outer rim stations were attacked and burnt to the ground. We have stopped the culprits at Ireyuja, but our losses were heavy. I am asking as many people as possible to volunteer. Help us beat back those who would kill our family and friends. Thank you.”
Since Malik switched the TV off it should be: The president had said ...
Someone had dared attack them. It was unheard of. All of the races that the Uluhor had come across had been peaceful and hadn’t tried to attack. But these creatures were attacking them like they were the most powerful race in the galaxy.
Maybe: But these creatures were assaulting/striking ...
His mother opened the door.
To avoid repetition of ‘door’ try something like: His mother welcomed him.
“ Malik, We weren’t expecting you. Come on in.” She gave him a hug an a kiss and they walked into the livingroom. [s]where[/s] His father, Malikar, was sitting, watching the news.
‘We’ doesn’t need to have a capital ‘W’.
‘an’ = and
You’ve forgotten to use the end speech mark too and see the other suggestions.
“ Malik. How are you doing. Hows the city. Things have been quiet since you
moved out. Sit down.”
Try making this a little more realistic. His father simply jumps on him with so much in one piece of dialogue. You could have Malik answering to give the reader an idea of who he is and what he does and, perhaps, how old he is. I’m imagining him to be a teenager but I might be wrong.
“ This is something I want to do. I don’t have anything to do for the rest of this summer. I’ll only stay in until my required service time is up, then I’ll get out, I promise.”
You could have ‘I promise’ as a separate sentence.
His father regarded him for a moment and finally said with a resigned tone to his voice, “ Alright. I can see that this is something you really want to do. So, do it. For all I know, you could become a hero.”
I think his father gives in too easily. This is like the army, right? His parents should be concerned, especially if an uncle had lost his leg—maybe this is something his parents can use to stop him going. Have a little conflict, decisions always cause arguments, I should know.
He [s]got in the back of one[/s] stood in queue and waited while the line slowly moved up.
^^^ See quote
Malik arrived at the front dask and looked down on a man in aircorps fatigues, his bulldogish jowls jiggling whenever he moved.
‘dask’ = desk
Malik read throught the text on the pad, then signed his name. The man took it back and looked up at him.
‘throught’ = through
“ Report to Starbase 7 at 0200 in three days. Next!”
Three days later, Malik arrived on starbase 7, a small cube of metal in the middle of nowhere, its hull silver in the light of the sun.
Since you have capitalize ‘S’ in Starbase you should continue here.
Malik got off the shuttle and was herded along with thirty other recruits into a roughly straight line. There, they were screamed at by a drill seargent, and whoever didn’t meet the instructer’s complete satisfaction was told to do fifty pushups.
‘seargent’ = sergeant, ‘instructer’s’ = instructor’s
I think you can replace ‘whoever’ with ‘those who’.
The summer had passed with crawling speed and It was finally September.
‘It’ shouldn’t be capitalised.
Malik scowled as he left the graduatiuon cerimony and the entirety of the base headed to the mess hall [s]for dinner[/s]. There, they would get their first briefing, before they were thrown nto the melee of battle.
‘graduatiuon cerimony’ = graduation ceremony, ‘nto’ = into?
“ Everyne, quiet down. I have an announcement to make. Listen up,” The base commander said, his voice booming out over the rest of the chatter.
‘Everyne’ = Everyone
“ Tomorrow at 0700, this entire recruit regiment will ship out to Eas Quo. There, we will engage the enemy and we will keep them from destroying Eas Quo.”
You can replace Eas Quo with ‘our home’?
“It is your duty to prtoect the people on Eas Quo. Good luck and God speed.”
‘prtoect’ = protect
He pounded Malik on the back and headed off to the food dispensers to get some food. Malik followed him and wondered how he could be so happy. Malik was sick to his stomache.
‘stomache’ = stomach
The night was slow and Malik got no sleep. He had just dosed off when one of the seargents, came down the lines and started smacking peoples legs. Malik groaned and rolled over. The lights came up to full brightness and revealed that no one else had gotten much sleep either. Malik got out of his bunk and dressed in his pilot fatigues. They again went to the mess hall, bu this time, the tables were cleared away and in their place sat several hundred chairs lined up in rows.
‘seargents’ = sergeants, ‘bu’ = by
I think ‘peoples’ should be ‘recruits’.
For the first time since [s]he joined [/s]joining the aerospace force, he was afraid.
^^^ See quote
They were lined up in exact formation and the names of the pilots were already written in black on the silver fuselages, right under the bubble cocpits.
‘cocpits’ = cockpits
They looked like large wasps and Malik rushed along with the ohers to find his ship.
‘ohers’ = others
He pushed the left joystick foreward and he felt the engine become louder. He puilled it back and the sound died to a low hum.
‘foreward’ = forward, ‘puilled’ = pulled
*
Things you could work on are when Malik is in queue at the recruiting office. Does he meet anyone else? Does he talk to the other people in line? Overhear any interesting conversations?
Sometimes you tend to leave things out, like I said about the conflict you could have included when Malik tells his parents about his decision to join the aerospace force.
And other characters like his friend, you don’t give him (or her?) anything to go with, the character has no background and the reader doesn’t really get to see their friendship, you’ve simply said they are friends and that is that. So that is something you need to work on.
You have quite a few spelling mistakes. Towards the end you can find them easily, and, as L said, you should try not to repeat ‘Malik’ so often.
I don’t see how this connects with the first part where there were the fire creatures (can’t remember the name) and the scientist.
-- Myth
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Reviews: 820
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