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There Wendi Goes

by Prophecy7


I check my watch- 3:00. Perfect, I think to myself. When I look back up again, a white van with windows painted over- yeah, you know the type- pulls up. Right on time.

I put on my best scared little girl face and sure enough, when I started to produce fake tears, the man pulled up next to me and rolled down the window.

“Hi, sweetheart. Where’s your mommy?”

I sniffle and look down. “She’s at work. She told me I had to walk home by m-myself. I’m so scared.”

“Oh don’t cry honey. What do you say I give you a ride home? I’ll even let you pet my puppy and I'll let you eat some candy."

Another sniffle. "Really?"

"Of course. Why would I let a sweet little girl walk all by herself?"

"I don't live too far from here. I need to get home soon though, my little brother is all alone waiting for me."

The man smiles to himself, but quickly hides it. "Of course sweetheart. Do you know the address?"

I nod.

"Perfect. Could you tell me so I know where to go?"

Another nod. "It's 495 South Mariam Way."

"Okay. I know where that is."

"You do?"

"Mhm. Do you have any cameras at your house? I just want to make sure your mommy knows you got home alright."

"No cameras sir, but I'll call right when we get there."

Another sly smile. "Okay. Go ahead and climb in the back."

I nod, I open the door, and climb into the backseat. The van smells of… dog and smoke. The seats are covered in fur and there are candy wrappers on the carpet.

"Bark!"

Wow there's actually a puppy this time. Convenient.

"All ready to hit the road?" He turns to look at me from the front seat. I take in his features for the first time: dark green eyes, dirty blond hair, and a bright smile. Not what I normally find they look like, but it'll do.

"Mhm."

"So where were you walking home from?"

I see his eyes in the rear view mirror. "I was coming home from the library. I wanted to get a new book."

"Oh. Okay."

The dog climbs up onto my lap. It was a small beagle puppy with a pair of sparkling blue eyes and a wagging tail.

"Her name is Vannah. And next to you is the bag of candy. Try to keep it away from her"

"Okay, sir." I pet Vannah's head.

"No need to call me 'sir'. My name is Robert. What about you?"

"My name's Wendi."

"So, Wendi, did you end up finding a book?"

"Hmm? Book?" I meet his confused eyes in the rear view mirror and remember what I had told him. "Oh, no I didn't."

"Oh okay."

A silence settles over the van and I see that the windshield of the van has a few cracks and is in need of a deep cleaning, but that was nothing compared to the stains on the carpet. I'm not sure what they were from, but not anything good; that I am sure of. After a few more minutes of me zoning in-and-out of conversation, we pull up to my house. The man unlocks the door, walks over to my door, pulling it open, and helps me out of the van.

The two of us walk over to the door, and I unlock it, turning to the man. "Would you like to meet Thierry?"

"Sure. If he's just half as sweet as you, he's going to be wonderful." He smiles.

I push the door open and step into the house. As soon as I cross into the foyer, I breathe in the overwhelming scent of cleaners and scented candles.

The man coughs and I assume he smells it too.

"Thierry?"

"Wendi?"

When Thierry walks into the room, I hear both of our parents walk in behind us, but I know the man does not since he doesn't take his eyes off of my tiny brother, who has dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes.

My parents creep closer to him. My brother's stomach growls. Another step closer. Another one. The man screams and thuds on the tile floor. My parents smile at me, and take the man's body into the kitchen. I'd feel bad about the whole situation, but mother told me to bring home dinner and these types of humans are just so easy to fool.


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51 Reviews


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Thu Oct 08, 2020 5:24 am
Glauke wrote a review...



Hi Prophecy, Glauke here for a review! Nice to meet you.

Interpretation

This is a short story about a young girl or woman luring a man to her home to be eaten by her family, who are presumed to be some sort of supernatural creatures who eat human flesh. The story plays off of tropes such as male predators using puppies and candy to lure female victims into their vehicle or home, but subverts expectations when the protagonist's true intentions are revealed.

What Works

The subversion of expectations combined with the supernatural element introduced at the end really packs a punch plot-wise. The storytelling here is excellent, this is a super clever premise. With a tiny bit of polishing it could be really stellar, and I can even imagine it being adapted into a screenplay as another reviewer mentioned. This would work really well as a visual story, I think.

You did a really good job establishing the creepy atmosphere inside the van. I kept urging the protagonist in my head to get out of the situation, even though it's insinuated from the beginning that she was in control of the interaction. I also like the bit of moral waffling at the end, it's a nice touch. I like that I can picture this girl rolling her eyes at the whole gruesome situation, mildly annoyed at the inconvenience. It feels very realistic and grounded.

For Revision

I like that you played off of well-known tropes, but I think the tropes might be present here a little too strongly. I would recommend choosing either candy or puppies for the van, but not both. I think the suspicious white van PLUS the candy PLUS the puppy is just a little too on-the-nose for me. Personally I was thinking when the protagonist noticed the copious amounts of dog hair that maybe she was planning to "trap" a child predator Chris Hansen style and perhaps planned use the dog hair as forensic evidence. Thus my expectations were subverted even FURTHER when the true subversion is revealed.

In the first few lines, the story is set up a little mechanically. The fact that the protagonist was looking at her watch and waiting for the van to pull up at exactly 3pm, which it did, just felt too orchestrated to be organic. It felt like she was waiting for something that runs on a schedule, like a bus. Maybe it could be implied that the protagonist has been waiting here a while and the van just happened to pull up when most schoolchildren are walking home, more or less as she expected? I don't know. The rest of the story flowed at a really good pace, this is really the only place where it didn't feel organic.

Not a big deal, but there were a few places where you switched from present tense to past tense:

I put on my best scared little girl face and sure enough, when I started to produce fake tears, the man pulled up next to me and rolled down the window.


The dog climbs up onto my lap. It was a small beagle puppy with a pair of sparkling blue eyes and a wagging tail.


Tense mistakes are easy to make, so be sure to proofread carefully to catch them. Reading aloud helps a lot with minor things like this.

Final Comments

Don't let the meaty revision section above put you off, this is an excellent piece. I think you have great potential as a storyteller. This is a fantastic subversion of expectations: it's witty, it's humanist and supernatural at the same time, and it's got a defined story arc. You should be proud! I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing. If you want any further feedback on future revisions of this piece or any others, please send me a PM or post on my wall.

Happy writing!
Glauke




Prophecy7 says...


Thank you so much! I will make those revisions as soon as I get a chance!



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Wed Oct 07, 2020 6:29 pm
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candygal2004 says...



Wow I really love this story and the message you are trying to get across. I think that this would even do well on the big screen and I think that if you keep up the good work and use originality and creativity, anything is possible. Good luck dude




Prophecy7 says...


Oh my gosh. Thank you so much!



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Wed Oct 07, 2020 5:54 am
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ChrisDixon wrote a review...



Hello there! Visiting your backyard with a quick review.
I love how you wrote this story! Shifting the readers' attention to Robert and then ending the story with an absolutely unexpected twist. I totally love this story and how at first it keeps me wondering why did the writer label this short story as a horror. I don't know if you'll continue this story but I'd love to get a link if you publish the next part for this. And I'd love to review your story if you need one at any time.

It is a beautiful piece of story and I felt as if I was reading a quick tour book of the monsters or whatever Wendi's identity. What a quick surprise for my day! It is well written but as it is I have a few suggestions for you. Would you care for grammar strawberry juice?

Let us take a cold sip out of it!

“Oh don’t cry honey. What do you say I give you a ride home? I’ll even let you pet my puppy and I'll let you eat some candy."


You need a comma before "honey".

(1)
The man smiles to himself, but quickly hides it. "Of course sweetheart. Do you know the address?"


(2)
I nod, I open the door, and climb into the backseat. The van smells of… dog and smoke. The seats are covered in fur and there are candy wrappers on the carpet.


These two parts don't require comma necessarily, you don't have to use them if you rather not.

Wow there's actually a puppy this time. Convenient.
"All ready to hit the road?" He turns to look at me from the front seat. I take in his features for the first time: dark green eyes, dirty blond hair, and a bright smile. Not what I normally find they look like, but it'll do.


You need a comma after "WoW".

(1)
I see his eyes in the rear view mirror. "I was coming home from the library. I wanted to get a new book."


(2)
"Hmm? Book?" I meet his confused eyes in the rear view mirror and remember what I had told him. "Oh, no I didn't."


In these two parts, you wrote "rear view" as two words, I suggest you write it as one word. It's spelled that way a lot in where I live and it was a bit confusing when I first saw them separately.

A silence settles over the van and I see that the windshield of the van has a few cracks and is in need of a deep cleaning, but that was nothing


You don't have to have "a" before "deep", in my opinion.

My parents smile at me, and take the man's body into the kitchen.


I suggest you don't use a comma after "me", you don't Messerly need a comma for the sentence.

Overall, this story is well written and gave me a exciting feeling after finishing. It is truly a wonderful story.

Thank you for writing and sharing this!

Keep up the beautiful writings!

Yours,
ChrisDixon




Prophecy7 says...


Oh my goodness thank you so much for your comment! It made my day! I don%u2019t think I%u2019ll be continuing this. I write this last Halloween for my school paper%u2019s horror contest. Also thank you for the grammar help. I%u2019ll fix it as soon as I have a few minutes. Once again, thank you so much!




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