Young Writers Society

Hello my name is Kyla, and I'm here to leave you a review.

I really like this poem you have, it is very sweet and heartwarming. I do see some punctuations that can be corrected but it still flows; It still has a meaning and an ease to it. I really do enjoy the simplicity. You are staying on track; This piece is basically going in one direction. It is as if the narrator is speaking to someone as well as describing the love, and that is a good thing. I love the tone it has to it, like someone is actually reading it to me. My opinion might not count seeing as how I am young, but I still hope you enjoy my review to an extent.

Hi there, Prometheus!

I am GeeLyria, and I am here to review for you.

Being totally honest, what I like the most about this piece is the sincerity of the character. It's like when you pour your heart down; it's simple, but real. That's what I admire the most. I should also point out that I really enjoyed how it was so easy to read and the rhythm pattern.

However, the end is like a slap on the face, because the way you expressed what you felt in those two last lines is rather cliche, and it could leave a bad impression about the poem. I believe the beginning of a poem should be like a welcome carpet and the end should be like a ribbon for the gift. In this case, the end was what I would hear in any movie about castles and tiaras from Disney. Trust me, you don't want that. You want to be known as The Writer, not just another writer. And I honestly believe you have the potential to stand out among us, for you showed it in this same piece. My solution would be ~ Find another way to say it! One that's a little less worn out.

That's my grain of sand. Wonderful job! Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly. However feel free to contact me if you have any questions. :]

~GeeLyria

Hello, I am here for a review.
Nice poem, overall I liked it; it's sweet and short and cute.
I do have a few nitpits, though, so bear with me. First off, I don't mind rhyming, most of the time I like rhyming poetry better. However, your rhyming pattern was off a little bit. You start with AABBCC, then suddenly you have sequences of four. Is there a reason for this? If there is, then by all means go for it and prove whatever point you're making, but if there isn't you should consider changing this. After reading the same rhyme four lines in a row, I got kind of sick of it. I mean, it seemed like by the third line you were just forcing the rhymes, which, like Dogs said, interrupts the flow and makes the poem choppier.
So, if it were me, which it isn't of course, so you don't have to change anything if you don't want to, I would stick with the two rhyme pattern instead of trying to fit four lines with the same ending.
Also, this is a topic that can be dangerously cliche. There are a lot of love poems out there- a lot. And a lot of them sound a lot alike. Therefore, you want yours to really stand out. For this, I would suggest more imagery. I mean, a lot of people know the whole I'd-love-you-forever-I'll-conquer-armies-I'll-do-anything-for-you-I-love-you idea. It's overused, frankly.
Your lines about not being a fairy-tale prince, but more like a monster were good, since those aren't quite normal. I mean, usually love poems are just about the other person, but you bring it back to yourself, which is nice. However, I would suggest bringing in even more of this. Let us know what's different about you and your love story from all the others. What makes this person special? What makes the poem worth writing? Why is this person worth fighting for, worth spending eternity with?
See if you can find ways to answer these questions, or prove them with your writing. Don't leave us feeling like we've read something just like any other love poem. Give us something that will stick with us and make us want to be in love.
I hope this helped!
Cailey

Hello there Prometheus! Dogs here with your review. Firstly, did you get your username from Prometheus the movie, or Prometheus the minor Greek god who gave humans fire? Just out of random curiosity, now on to ze review. So I like the idea here, it's a little cliche of a topic but you put a new spin on it, working around the overused idea. I like some of the vocab you use and your writing style is pretty smooth. A quick note though, you have to be careful when you use rhyming in your writing because if you write your piece to rhyme instead of to make sense and flow smoothly, it makes your writing sound choppy and breaks the flow of your writing. So just be careful of that.

"I love you more than I could ever show"

Just a tiny grammar note, you need to put a period after "show" to separate the thought line from the next sentence. Also, as a quick side note I would suggest that you don't capitalize every the first letter of every single sentence. Of course grammar is entirely up to the writer, but in my opinion, I think it's more visually stimulating to see the variation of capitals and lower case letters.

"They have taken away all of the strife."

This is the same sentence and connects with the last line, so try saying: "taking away all my strife."

"I am no fairy-tale prince, I do have my flaws"

Nice, I like this line. It's a good concept to bring into your writing, especially in this piece. I also really like the next line, good vocab and good rhyme.

"I just want to hold you, very tight"

Okkkey dokey, pet peeve of mine here. You should never use "very" in any sort of literary of any kind, unless it's an essay about why you SHOULDN'T use "very" in writing. Reason being is because it breaks up the flow every time you use it and it is completely unnecessary no matter what.

"lasts all eternity..."

Ok, nice ending for this poem, except let's reword a little bit, so try saying: "lasts for all eternity," just to help out the flow. Also I would cut the dot dot dot, because it's unnecessary in this poem, only use it if you're trailing off or maybe stuttering. Also try to limit your use of the dot dot dot in your poetry, most the time it's unnecessary. All and all and lovely poem, great idea and great writing. Add in those corrections I offered and you'll be rearing the go. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

This is a very nice and simple piece; I liked it. I'm not completely sure if you this was your initial goal, but I kind of got the feeling that whoever is narrating the poem has a dark side that prevents him/her from being with who they are in love with. Now, just some small thoughts!

'These days with you, have brightned my life' - I think this sentence would work better without the additional comma. I think it's kind of unn'eeded, but that's just me. The same criticism goes for 'I hope our love, lasts all eternity...'

While some parts of the poem feel a tad cliche, I still think you did a good job here and I would be interested in seeing more of your work. Best wishes!