Published October 31, 2010
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141,310 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
Hey there!
This is really good.
Quotes 'N' Comments
I find the 'Jason' in this sentence a weird part to emphasize. I think the better word to italicize would be 'heard.' Try saying it out loud, and choose which one sounds better. There would only be one incident, from what I can think of, where the 'Jason' being emphasized here would be accurate. That would be if Jason had some inside joke behind him. Something like he makes up lies a lot trying to scare people, or that the Maybelle character likes him. If there is an inside joke, say it. Right there. I think it would be fun to have a joke in there, to lighten things up a bit? Your story starts out really intense and focused, add a little fun to it.
I think you do a great job on his character. All of his lines seem realistic to the type of personality he has. Except for this on, in my opinion. I don't know any child - no matter how smart they are - that acts like that, and I work with kids. And, I don't know if from your country is different (you spell it colour so I'm guessing you're not from America) but from what I've observed no one really does the mock-surrender gesture. So maybe rethink it? Just an opinion.
Dialogue
So my thoughts on dialogue seem to contradict the other reviewers. I think that your dialogue starts off unrealistic, but then gets better as it goes on. I don't know exactly how you would go about it, but I think in the beginning those three characters, Maybelle, Jason and Elizabeth, don't really sound like teenagers, which is obviously what they are, judging by the fact that she is babysitting. I think it might be how much they are interested in this mysterious coffin. I don't think teenagers would be that interested, but then again I've never seen a coffin in a park before, so I don't know how I would react. I think Elizabeth's reaction is how all of them would be. Just something to consider.
Characters
Elizabeth is really cool. She is one of those female characters that anyone could relate to. She is the everyman in your story, and I love it when the everyman is the main character. I talk the same way, do the same things, and think the same way she does because I am a teenager, so awesome! The little boy, Nathan, is also pretty good. You knew exactly what he could say to get to Elizabeth without going too far out there. And the way that he and his sister react to each other is key in making it seem realistic, and you nailed it. I wouldn't change anything about these characters. I think the number one thing I liked about this was how you have Nathan say "My dad doesn't like it when you're unprepared" or something like that, talking about the mess. Since I work with kids, I have a pretty good feeling about how they act, and this is exactly what a kid would say: repeat what they're parents have said aloud.
Plot
I don't really know where this is going yet, but from this first part you have made me excited and wanting to read more. I think you ended well, doing that whole ending-with-a-mystery thing that makes readers want to read more. I think that one thing would be that when you do have Elizabeth go and look at the coffin finally, have her a little excited. Because even though she seems skeptical about this coffin, it's still a mystery and everyone gets excited for the unknown.
Keep writing,
Classy
So you do write!
I thought this was cute. It's well-written. The dialogue is realistic.
But it's also kind of boring and, at times, a lot of the conversations are irrelevant. I feel that, while Nora and Nathan are cute and give Elizabeth something to do, they're just there when they don't really need to be. And her conversation with Maybell is a pretty cheap way to introduce the coffin to the readers. It's like Maybell (whose gender we don't even find out) calls up the readers to deliver the news on a silver platter and then hangs up. Since they're talking heads, there's no character description, and definitely no reaction or emotion. I understand that Elizabeth is doubtful and not terribly interested, but Maybell at least seems a little bit excited, and I think you could show that more. Right now that entire first scene is very lackluster, and doesn't set the coffin up as anything important.
Personally, I'd rework the scenes a bit and probably start with the babysitting. Then Maybell calls while Liz is babysitting, Nora overhears their conversation and gets excited about the coffin. Here we never get any input from Nathan about the rumor-- he seems to me like the kind of guy who's too cool to worry about stuff like that, and then you could have a little sibling argument. I just feel like the beginning needs something more in order to entice readers to continue.
Anyway, your prose is very clean and concise, but it's like a sketch of something and I think this story deserves some more fleshing out.
~Evi
Hey there, I love were you are taking this story. You have great details, naration, and dialouge. Can't wait to read part two of this story, keep writing.
i liked it from the beginning very very goood!!! review mine please? thank you xx