Published May 19, 2009
...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
ZOMGSHWOW!.!.!....it had to be said.
Prok, I don’t know how you do it, but you do it and it’s funny…whatever ‘it’ is.
I was pealing in laughter throughout the whole story because, well, you would never expect something like that to happen…ever. At least I hope that has never happened to anyone.
But what I really want to commend you on is the feeling that you give within the tunnel because I felt it too. The stifling suffocating feeling of being trapped.
My only problem with this is how abruptly it ends. I understand where you come from but something about it seems, well, just too sudden. A little more information and detail would have been nice I think, then again maybe it’s just me.
Anyway, thank you for taking up my review request. I’m honored to get to read this story. I fell in love.
*Gold Star*
~lilymoore
Great story. No immature typos, or grammatical errors that I could find. I read both parts 1 and 2 and I have to say this was absolutely hilarious. I was getting worried that this was going to be just a straight forward "overcoming the fear of the slide" sort of thing but I that worry was put to rest quickly. I was wondering the entire second portion of the story where the life guard at the bottom was and it was funny to find out his was slacking off to eat a snow cone. It would be funny if the last thing you see of the "whale" is him heading off to get something to eat (seafood?) No complaints what so ever. Loved it!
Okay, i just started to read this one, and I can say that I have no quarrys with it. You had excelent writing skill there,a nd the interaction between the characters made it realistic. All I can say is that you said something about the fat man telling everyone from school, and Kyle recognised the voice, and then he regaurded him as a complete stranger.
Oh, and one more thing... I like how you used the neon light when describing the red; was that an accident or were you inadvertantly reffering to the fact that [when lit up] Neon [the element] will shine red. It's not true Neon if it ain't red!
I'm guessing you like science?
Oh well, I'm off to read the first in the series!
Pork,
I know, right? Cause you enter through the mouth and come out the anus!
'and some into his eye'. Some what?
That was absolutely disgusting. *shivers*
Anyway, I really enjoyed this piece. It isn't like anything else I've read by you. In fact, not only is it humorous, but it's also a very real story. Something that could very likely happen. I love the fact that the fat man was described as a whale. I loved the whole 'intestine' metaphor in it. I just loved it. You should've written this earlier and entered it into the YWS LJ, man. You so would've gotten in.
I don't have a whole lot of other things to critique. It's a really solid piece of writing that you should be proud of. It's hilarious.
-Jared
Hey =]
So I've read both parts of this and I have to say that it was a really enjoyable read. You managed to turn a story about two brothers going down a water slide into a great story that was fun to read and flowed well. I loved the bickering between the brothers and it seemed really realistic too.
I couldn't find any mistakes at all either =]
Thanks for the great read!
I think I shall give you a star =]
xDudettex