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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey Prok, here cause I harassed the chat for something to review and look, I got what I asked for. Thank you!
After reading a line like this, I don’t know how much more amazing a story can get.
You’re so blunt and it’s awesome.
Dialogue
I really liked the dialogue here. For one thing, they’re arguing sounded just like the way it did when my brother and I used to fight…which was only all the time. Not only that, but their voices seemed like that of children, about the age I assumed they are supposed to be, in that 10 to 13 range which is sometimes really hard to get just right. Most will make this particular age range read as either too young or two old.
Not only that, but I love the line:
So much fun. I got a good laugh out of it.
Plot
I have to say, this is really one of the most original plots I’ve ever seen. The general idea of “overcoming your fears and stuff” but it’s done in such a unique setting. I’ve been stuck in water slide ride lines for long periods of time (I grew up next to the water park with the states tallest water slide) but I never had experiences there that I would have considered story-worthy. Anyway, the creativity and originality are amazing.
Characters
I like that they are such a distinct brother pair. Obviously, they have very unique personalities but they still show those basic brother instincts like the fact that they went together or the fact that they fight, as most brothers do (at least as far I’ve ever seen).
Anyway, I really liked this and I’m going to go read part two.
~lilymoore
Okay, so I get that they're brothers, but you don't specify their ages. Just something that you could think about, otherwise you did great! Honesty, a picture worth a thousand words, but there are a billion to describe this piece. Great job, really.
Fantastic!
You just took me back ten years to when me and my little brother went to a water park in spain.
Well done.
Pork,
This was great. Not only is it great, but it's original. Jeez, you just wrote about 2000 words about a story of two brothers who are standing in line to go down a slide in a water park. That takes mad skillz to pull that off. Oh yeah. You did pull it off. I thought it was done extremely well. You managed to bring up the tension to a great middle part. Middle part is the end of this part, you know. I hope it is. You really must post the rest of this. It really is good.
I love the brotherly fighting and bickering. That was great and true. I could totally picture everything that was happening in this short piece. You have a solid writing voice, and what's more, you do something different from everyone else, which I really love in your writing. You're not afraid to be different, and everyone has something to learn from you.
Hah. Who knew? A little piece of pork can write!
-Jared