...

What the heck was that?

I may not be exactly critiquing you, but holy...

That was amazing!

What kind of messed up things float around your brain to cause you to write such monstrosities?!

Unbelievably far out.

If I were you, I would have killed Superman just for the fun of it. I know it's "impossible", but with an brilliantly atrocious mind like yours I think you would have managed. Superman is, and always will prove to youngsters that you have to be born with supernatural powers that can only be recharged by the sun. Batman, on the other hand, proves that all youngsters need is lots and lots of money as well as some level of intellect. Batman also teaches that women are impossible to come by. Then again, so does Superman, so I think you should have added Batman and killed them both.

Patty is my alter-ego. Good day to you sir.

Sumus canes.

I want to say my tid bit for the thing above. I think you should keep the 'gonna' and 'wanna'. since it's in quotes, it works better than proper language. Not everyone speaks in posh. Especially when they're on TV xD

Hey Prok!

First I'd like to say, Congratulations! You're my first review for Saint Razorblade's contest! Not that it means anything, but...

Okay, I'll start criting now.

You wake with a start. You sit up in bed, pajamas sticking to your clammy skin. This is the third night in a row nightmares have interrupted your sleep.

Let's see what's on.

"Not unstoppable, Douglas. Every monster has its weakness. Vampires have wooden stakes... Frankenstein, angry villagers. Think, people, think!"

"It's gotta be Debby."

"I'd like you to know... if we survive this... I want to marry your money."

varicoloured

Mine. Mine.

"Gonna try something..."

"What're you do -- ow! -- ow, getoffofme!"

"Stop struggling; I just wanna try something!"

She steps over to the the machine and bangs on it with her hand.

The jist of it is, we want you to carry a warhead in your mouth.

"You wear tights. I think it'd be best if you kept your mouth firmly shut.

Channel 29: Trust Your Gut; It's Visionary
"The welder?"
"Yeah, use that."
"Dude, you know how much that'll hurt?"
"Uh, yeah. But it's like getting a tat, man. A few minutes of pain for a lifetime of awesome."
"I dunno, bro. Seems like it could mess up your insides or somethin' wack."
"You seen a picture of a stomach? It's tiny. I got plenty of room."
"Won't it be kinda heavy? Like walking around with a baby."
"I won't have to walk. People'll come to me. And I'll be chillin' all the time."
"I still dunno. You sure?"
"Yeah! I'm sure. If something goes wrong, don't worry, I won't blame it on you."
"I'd hope not. Okay, lay down."
...
"Haha, that tickles..."
"Don't move around, man!"
"Ha... heh, sorry. Okay. Okay. I'm ready. Go."
...
"Ow! Oh, geez... eh... ah... crapcrapcrap this hurts like hell."
"Hold still... almost done..."
"Oh, man, that really is heavy."
"'Kay, one more side..."
"Ah... I -- I can hardly breathe. I gotta get off my back."
"Alright... alright, I'm done. You can get up now."
"A little heavy, but... dude! This is sick!"
"Haha, the reception is good, too!"
"I can't -- can't really see it very well, though..."
"Oh..."
"..."
"Oh, man."
"It's upside-down."
"Oh, man."
"I can't watch it like this! Dude!"
"You dumb -- listen, they were probably on acid when they came up with that show! I told you not to do it!"
"Then why didn't you refuse to help!?"
"'Cause you insisted!"
"Okay, you know what? Not good enough."
"Just trying to be a friend."
"Man..."
"... I'm sorry."
"Friends -- friends don't let friends watch Teletubbies."

[next day]

I dunno where she liv --"

[next day]

But dogs are so good at jumping fences. And squirming through broken wooden boards.

"Hehe, I suppose they are a new feature."

"He tied a balloon full of helium around his neck."
...
"Why?"

"Because, when he died, he wanted his soul to float away on the wind. He'd be able to travel all around the world. But as you know, balloons don't stay full of air forever -- eventually they shrink, and so did his. When it couldn't carry his heavy soul any longer, the balloon dropped his soul into the ocean. The soul hit the water with a splash, and its essence was absorbed. It traveled the various waterways connecting the oceans and seas, until eventually it evaporated. It drifted about in the clouds, until it came to a range of mountains. Well, mountains collect rain, so out went the soul in the form of raindrops. The raindrops splashed on the mountain men living there, and ten years later, people first began seeing birds."

You're going to bed.

This was both strange and brilliant! It really makes people laugh a lot. Where did you get the inspiration to write it down? This flies away from the ordinary and finds a niche all by itself.

Prokaryote wrote:You wake with a start. You sit up in bed, pajamas sticking to your clammy skin.

Channel 22: Superman Adventures

"Clark, it's for you."

"Thanks... Hello?"

"Hello, am I speaking to Superman?"

"No, this is Clark Kent."

"Oh... Could you take off your glasses?"

"I guess."

...

"Clark?"

"Clark's not available right now. This is Superman."

"Oh, good. Listen, sir, w --"

"Can I take a message for him?"

"... no."

"Okay."

"Superman. This is General Swanson. Sir, the United States government has a mission for you."

"Does it involve truth or justice?"

"No, but it's a liberal helping of the American Way."

"Go on."

"You're invincible, sir. You realize that?"

"Yes. I get that impression."

"Ever thought of using that to your advantage?"

"Not really."

wow, that was so creative!! and really funny. i really laughed on like a lot of those.

"It's upside-down."


"Oh, man."


"I can't watch it like this! Dude!"


"You dumb -- listen, they were probably on acid when they came up with that show! I told you not to do it!"

"Hello, am I speaking to Superman?"


"No, this is Clark Kent."


"Oh... Could you take off your glasses?"


"I guess."


...


"Clark?"


"Clark's not available right now. This is Superman."

Wow, this story was really weird. This is definitely the first of it's kind. My favorites would have to be the Puppet one and the Superman one. The puppet one had like a sadistic humor to it which is something that enlightens me. The Superman one was funny because it had like the whole "if you're acquainted with the show, you get" approach with a little side humor that was the idea of the whole thing that worked for everyone.

i found this really amusing because I do the same thing after a nightmare but I never encountered such weird TV shows. I think it would only make my dreams more terrifying and wacky. xD

Actually, the bathtub comment wasn't meant in a negative way...perhaps it was unconscious.

Hey, Pork!

"There's no way to stop it. It's unstoppable!"

"I'm a pretty real-looking puppet, Patty."

That's a lot of blood, Patty.

Her skin is gradually turning black; her clothes are turning black

"Explosive diarrhea."

"I must've told him a million times, don't chew gum."

raphael wrote:Did you completely make up all of the ideas yourself or did you get some of them from actual TV shows?

Cher wrote:In any case, this was so far off the wall that it landed in the bathtub and drowned.

GryphFledge wrote:No, I think you're going to bed. Like, right now.

*eyes Prok*

No, I think you're going to bed. Like, right now.

This was exceptional. Odd, yes, but extremely amusing and original. I don't know how to critique something like this, so... I won't. But accept my praise in critique's absence.

*hands over praise*

Seriously, though, I don't know how watching television like that is supposed to dispel fear and keep nightmares away. I don't want to go to sleep now. A gum-chewing Superman might come after me.

*thumbs up* Very nice.

~GryphonFledgling

Prok needs God help. His mind has admitted itself. I have those ideas but I don't make them into stories. I would feel like I was being useless and shallow. Perhaps I should reevaluate that reasoning.

In any case, this was so far off the wall that it landed in the bathtub and drowned. I honestly cannot find an intelligent or useful comment. I don't believe this compilation of pure idiotic, natural, unique, slightly dead and clever stories really call for any feedback/criticism. Those words are not interchangeable.

All right, I do almost have a comment. I very sincerely wish that, if and when I have television, I would be able to turn it on and find Proks head floating in useless circles where I could examine it closely. It could only be about seventeen million times more intriguing than what happens when normal people turn their televisions on. (By 'your head' of course I mean what is in your head--as in, these diabolically capricious ideas that you have kindly allowed the whole world to be confused by.)

You exceed expectations. That is all.

I loved this! This was easily the best - and most bizarre - story that I've read on this site so far... Did you completely make up all of the ideas yourself or did you get some of them from actual TV shows? There are so many brilliantly surreal ideas here, I thought it was great.