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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I must say, you have a very nice writing style. I was gripped, and the twist at the end... lovely. Only thing to point out here is that you say O heavenly, when it should be Oh heavenly.
Really nice... I might look at some of your other posts now.
I couldn't critique the first one, because I'm lame and did want to spend a whole critique telling you how cool it was.
So I'm here on the second one.
This reminds me of a lame book I read called The Phantom Tollbooth. I'm not in any way saying that your book is lame. It's really quite fun to read, but you follow the same... er... style as he does?
I dunno. Everything is just so unique and cool. And childish, too, which you rarely find any more. Haha. I like the bit at the end with the man and the pie. That was intense. Had my staring at the screen for like... three seconds till I reached the end of the page.
If you ever post more, I'm here.
-Jared
Oh dear *giggles* Everything about this is so singularly odd. It's really quite delightful. It's so unique and silly and really, awfully good:)
I don't really have any suggestions to make. I do a agree with a lot of what Alice said, except a few things:
I can't say that I really think he should have noticed anything strange about this. It didn't raise any red flags with me. Besides, his mind is far too occupied with the idea of pie.
*shrugs* Well I understood it.
I actually loved how you used this word. It made perfect sense to me and had very good imagery.
I actually thought that what you had was quite self-sufficient. I don't like adverbs. They're distracting to the reader. You want your voice as the writer to fade into the background, don't want to draw attention to yourself, but just let the story speak for itself, let it just... be. You have to leave enough room for the reader's imagination. You have to let "'I can't eat any more,' you murmur" speak for itself as to how he says it. Let the reader hear him say it how they want. If you want to change it that's up to you, though. That's just my opinion.
So that's about the extent of my sage advice... if you can call it that... all did is say "leave it like it is"
It really is incredibly interesting, very amusing and quite delightful. Can't wait for more!
All the best:)
*adna*
Prok,
First, thanks for the email about this, chances are I would have totally missed it without it.
Now onto the matters at hand...
maybe change "won't" to "wouldn't"?
That last sentence threw me for a second. There're only two options for how the reader could take that:
As if the pie is being held in the hands of God himself.
Or
As if you're being held in the hands of God himself.
After you read it a second or third time you get that it is the second one. But you're not supposed to have to do that. Try fixing that dear.
Sucidal blueberries!
Pretty!!!!
Even in the insane world this is, that should push little red flags up in somebody's head. It didn't with your characters, it did with me though.
HOW do you grow half of a rainbow? Or the whole thing for that matter?
Weird word weird word! Unless you mean "slides"?
Nice imagry there.
I think you should add "pitifully" at the end of that or some word describing the tone of his voice as he's murmering.
Scary guy's house! Scary guy's house! Ahh! *turns page to find nothing there* Great Prok. Email me when you get the next part okay? Or I shall eat you IN a pie! (That means I like it)