Published January 5, 2008
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141,497 Literary Works • 674,536 Reviews
Wow. Do you always write so awesomely? I hope that's a word.
There really isn't much to say. Grammar was spot on, and that's usually what I'm best at finding. But I'm determined to make this a 50 point critique! So bear with me.
I was kinda thinking that this was a WW2 story, but then your phone vibrated, and that went down the drain. I thought the text was a bit... er... random? Don't forget your lunch? Er... What? Also, I think you should include who sent the text. That would give us even more of a greater flash fiction. It would really bring this story to life.
Wow. I'm amazed. This was really good. I want to read more. Too bad it's a flash fiction.
-Jared
EDIT: Awwh. It was only 44.4 points.
Hi, "proks",
I liked the idea of the story and really all the neat words that you came up with;
like "petit" and so forth.
lay out was good and the fact that you caught my attention was amazing!
I think you should have continued and made it a small novel.
You can go real far stories and i hope reconsider and make another chapter.
have fun!
shanan-cat
Thank you Azila! ^_^
Prokaryote
That was really well-written and intriguing. It kept my attention the whole way, and even though I would love to learn more about the situation, the world, the main character, I like that this is just a short glimpse into the world of yours.
One [negative] thing I noticed is that you tend to leave out the "he" "she" "I" "we" type words (I'm not sure what part of speech they are)... I guess it's a stylistic thing, but I thought I'd point it out in case you weren't aware of it... here are a few examples. I have added the bold words in brackets.
...Those are just a few examples, and some of them I will deal with in the rest of my critique.
Another thing you tend to do is use very short sentences. In some places they can be very effective, but if you overuse them they lose their punch and become choppy and annoying to read.
Onto the nitpicks--
I agree with Insomnia, "petite" doesn't work very well here. It makes it seem like you had typed "small" or "little" but didn't like it, so used MS's thesaurus. *ehem* Try a more creative word... "delicate" "tentative" "muffled" ... depending on what word you use, it could really help set the mood.
This is one of those places where your sentences are too short. You should combine all these together... or at least the first two: "My journal, my special pen, my towel--a few hastily scribbled-on postcards I was going to send but never had the chance to."
Nitpick: should be "was" not "were"
These two sentences should be joined with a semi-colon. [;]
Part of me likes the vagueness of this... part of me says you should go into more detail describing the rukus (before he turns away) and the shouts and cries he can hear (after he turns away)
These two sentences should be joined with a semi-colon as well.
This is completely a matter of opinion, but I think the thoughts should be italicized (especially because they are at the end of the piece.) Here it would be "maybe next time" and "no food for you here today, with any luck."
This is telling rather than showing. You need to SHOW us that it's huge, you need to SHOW us its overwhelming form looming out of the water.
Firstly, this should be a semi-colon rather than a colon. Secondly, I think that should be "someone HAD shoved me." Thirdly, I think "I'm going, I'm going" should be in italics. Fourhtly, you should combine the last two sentences: "I'm going, I'm going, I thought/said as I took a few more steps."
Sentence#1>>I think this would go better as "I handed the man my ticket AND he waved me inside."
Sentences #2 and 3>> these should be combined to be: "I stepped onto the rickety planks that made up the ship, [quickly] getting out of people's way and leaned on the rail."
Get rid of "hold" and just have it be, "The boat held [or "was holding"] all it could."
This is passive voice, not a good idea. Make it "I heard a few gunshots from the beach." or "WE heard a few gunshots from the beach." Something.
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Hope this helped! Please feel free to PM me if I was unclear about anything!
~Azila~
Whoops, forgot to thank you guys -- thanks!
There's no other part(s) to this, though; it's flash fiction. I meant it to be ambiguous.
Thanks again!
Prokaryote
Try not to put extra info or it could not work out well next time. But this time it was pretty good. So don't push anymore information than you need to.
Hey, Prok.
Petite coughs could be heard up and down the queue,
Never heard a cough described as "petite" before. I suppose it works, but it bothers me a little.
They told us not to bring many things, so I didn't.
I think "didn't" should be "hadn't," there.
I dug into my pocket and retreived my card, gave it to him, and took it back without a word.
You use "and" twice in the space of a few words. Maybe you could change the first: "to retrieve my card..."
I discreetly sneaked the phone out of my pocket and held it at waist-level,
I thought that the "discreetly" was rather redundant there. If you're sneaking it from your pocket, then it's a given that you'll be dicreet.
Here we were. I had reached the entrance to the steamboat. I handed my ticket to a man; he waved me inside. I stepped onto the rickety planks that made up the ship. Got out of people's way and leaned on the rail.
Most of your sentences there start with "I." Try to vary them a little.
That's all I found. This was really good. The subject was interesting, although we didn't get too much into the main character. I'd be interested in seeing more of this.
-Mat
Hey Proky!
Stopped by to leave a review
I reckon this is either the beginning or an excerpt. You had a lot of description but it wasn't boring to read; it didn't feel like an info dump partly because of your style, it's concise and to the point. I didn't find any sentences that were thrown in for the sake of it so kudos for that. Oh, AND the fact that your grammar is top notch!
Character wise, I couldn't get a lot about the MC except in the end, he looks up and feels bad for the people left on this mysterious land. Metal leaves, and bronze-flavored blood?! Very interesting. Are they going to..earth??
I can't really say anything else except where's the next part?!
Nice one Proky,
--starry.