Young Writers Society

Wow. Do you always write so awesomely? I hope that's a word.

There really isn't much to say. Grammar was spot on, and that's usually what I'm best at finding. But I'm determined to make this a 50 point critique! So bear with me.

I was kinda thinking that this was a WW2 story, but then your phone vibrated, and that went down the drain. I thought the text was a bit... er... random? Don't forget your lunch? Er... What? Also, I think you should include who sent the text. That would give us even more of a greater flash fiction. It would really bring this story to life.

Wow. I'm amazed. This was really good. I want to read more. Too bad it's a flash fiction.

-Jared

EDIT: Awwh. It was only 44.4 points.

Hi, "proks",
I liked the idea of the story and really all the neat words that you came up with;
like "petit" and so forth.
lay out was good and the fact that you caught my attention was amazing!
I think you should have continued and made it a small novel.
You can go real far stories and i hope reconsider and make another chapter.
have fun!
shanan-cat

Thank you Azila! ^_^

Prokaryote

That was really well-written and intriguing. It kept my attention the whole way, and even though I would love to learn more about the situation, the world, the main character, I like that this is just a short glimpse into the world of yours.

One [negative] thing I noticed is that you tend to leave out the "he" "she" "I" "we" type words (I'm not sure what part of speech they are)... I guess it's a stylistic thing, but I thought I'd point it out in case you weren't aware of it... here are a few examples. I have added the bold words in brackets.

[ They ] Probably didn't trust a word the "Establishment" told them, and I guess I didn't blame them.

[ We ] Looked like we were blind, and maybe we all were, in a way.

[ I ] Got out of people's way and leaned on the rail.

Petite coughs could be heard up and down the queue, vague snifflings and throat clearings.

My journal. My special pen, my towel. A few hastily scribbled-on postcards I was going to send but never had the chance to.

One thing everyone had in common were the black sunglasses.

They told us we could take them off on the other side, and I was looking forward to it. The glasses made my eyelids sweaty.

I looked away from the ruckus it provoked, but silently felt sorry for his crying parents.

There was always one who'd swim for it. You'd read about it in the paper every other day, the one person in line who decided they could get away.

Maybe next time. I shook my heads at the birds. No food for you here today, with any luck.

The boat was huge. The biggest ever built.

II stumbled forward: someone shoved me. I looked back and gave them a dirty look. I'm going, I'm going. Took a few more steps.

I handed my ticket to a man; he waved me inside. I stepped onto the rickety planks that made up the ship. Got out of people's way and leaned on the rail.

The boat held all it could hold.

A few gunshots were heard from the beach.

Whoops, forgot to thank you guys -- thanks! There's no other part(s) to this, though; it's flash fiction. I meant it to be ambiguous.

Thanks again!

Prokaryote

Try not to put extra info or it could not work out well next time. But this time it was pretty good. So don't push anymore information than you need to.

Hey, Prok.

Petite coughs could be heard up and down the queue,

Never heard a cough described as "petite" before. I suppose it works, but it bothers me a little.

They told us not to bring many things, so I didn't.

I think "didn't" should be "hadn't," there.

I dug into my pocket and retreived my card, gave it to him, and took it back without a word.

You use "and" twice in the space of a few words. Maybe you could change the first: "to retrieve my card..."

I discreetly sneaked the phone out of my pocket and held it at waist-level,

I thought that the "discreetly" was rather redundant there. If you're sneaking it from your pocket, then it's a given that you'll be dicreet.

Here we were. I had reached the entrance to the steamboat. I handed my ticket to a man; he waved me inside. I stepped onto the rickety planks that made up the ship. Got out of people's way and leaned on the rail.

Most of your sentences there start with "I." Try to vary them a little.

That's all I found. This was really good. The subject was interesting, although we didn't get too much into the main character. I'd be interested in seeing more of this.

-Mat

Hey Proky!

Stopped by to leave a review

I reckon this is either the beginning or an excerpt. You had a lot of description but it wasn't boring to read; it didn't feel like an info dump partly because of your style, it's concise and to the point. I didn't find any sentences that were thrown in for the sake of it so kudos for that. Oh, AND the fact that your grammar is top notch!

Character wise, I couldn't get a lot about the MC except in the end, he looks up and feels bad for the people left on this mysterious land. Metal leaves, and bronze-flavored blood?! Very interesting. Are they going to..earth??

I can't really say anything else except where's the next part?!

Nice one Proky,

--starry.