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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i think that the entrance of the robin was too late in the narrative, maybe if you had thrown in something about it further towards the beginning (obviously grasping at straws looking for a flaw in the awesomeness)
I enjoyed how you didnt use visual imagery, when people become too reliant on it their stuff gets stale, so yay! props!
One of the most original pieces of writing that I have ever come across. An excellent delivery of a well thought out idea. Well done! I couldn't find anything to criticize you on. I loved it. Especially the last line, it was extremely poignant. Congratulations. Please, keep up the good work!
Thank you Wolf! ^_^
Prokaryote
Hey Pork! It's been a while since I've read anything of yours, and the title of this piece caught my attention right away.
Not a repetition of the same words - rather, the same sounds ... like, 'sole' sounds the same as 'soul'. It's kind of irksome, methinks ... you might want to consider fixing it up?
Oh, and also, something tells me there should be a comma after 'reckless' ... dunno.
Personal preference, I think, but it might flow better with a comma after 'So'.
Hm ... I've seen things like this before in Shakespeare's prose: a word with an exclamation point after it, then the next sentence beginning with a small letter ...
So there's probably a rule that allows you to do that, but just in case there isn't, I thought I'd point it out.
Personal preference again, I think, but I don't really like the way the sentence is structured. I'm sure it's grammatically correct or whatever, but it just sounds wwrong when I read it in my head. You might try:
1) The wind - this was more dangerous than the rain.
OR something like:
2) The wind ... much more dangerous than the rain.
or:
3) The wind, however, was much more dangerous than the rain.
Meh, two similar words in such close proximity to each other ... you might try replacing "fly" with "maneuver" or one of its similes or something. (The same can be done with "flier".)
I think the comma after "tremors" should be a semicolon?
Hm ... I feel like you could be a little more artsy with that last bit (the bit I've underlined). I just don't think "spelled death" is a good figure of speech to use with chainsaws ... it's really just personal preference again, but I think you might want to consider something like:
(1) It's earth-stained steel grinding incessantly against the similarly-colored bark, it shook the living house and its inhabitants, sending a dire warning -- the whirring blade screamed of death.
2) It's earth-stained steel grinding incessantly against the similarly-colored bark, it shook the living house and its inhabitants, sending a dire warning. The whirring blades screamed of death, scattering chips of wood spinning away at their violent touch.
I love the "earth-stained steel" bit, though!
Hrm ... re-word: scampering around the park, looking for a new place to dwell.
Comma after "street"? I love this sentence though ... "tainted masterpiece" ... lovely. :}
Comma after "Presently", methinks.
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I really liked this piece - it's really fascinating, and it feels very ... complete, especially with the whole circle-of-life-repeating thing at the end.
The part where the man are bringing the tree to the dump seems very surreal, in a good way. Like if it were a black and white painting - the prose there seemed quiet, antique, with a kind of defeated atmosphere. I love it. <3
I noticed, though, that most of the imagery was visual and using the sense of touch ... you should consider incorporating the other 3 senses; it would make it even more vivid. Describe the smells and sounds, too, not just what it seen and felt.
Other than that, good job!
Cheers,
Camille xx
Hm. Too much time on the worm's life in the beginning, not enough time on the death of the tree and the cruelty of the chainsaw. Other than that, very well written.
No grammatical mistakes. No plot holes or unrealistic characters. Good job, mate!
I really liked that. Normally, this isn't the kind of story I would enjoy at all, but it was great. I really love the voice of the whole thing. The only two things that I think could be changed are:
a. When you call water an "ancient chemical substance". For some reason, that phrase just doesn't sit well with me. I'm sure that there is some other name you could use that isn't "ancient chemical substance" but isn't just "water" either.
b. The very end when the worm emerges from the tree needs some work. Personally, I am generally not a fan of happy endings to begin with, but whatever. All of the rest of the piece is so detailed, and at the end it just kind of drops off and is not as detailed. I do really like the first sentence of that last paragraph though "A year later, the dead tree was still there, albeit barely."
Thanks Alainna.
Grif: I cut a lot of the crap out so hopefully it's a bit better. Thanks for the help.
Prokaryote
Ah yes, the circle of life.
I think the story went on for way too long and was way too preachy. This would have been a whole lot better if you cut out the whole narrators observation and stuck with simple old description.
This is an example of the garbage I was talking about. This is entirely soapbox material and should be jettisoned from this story.
Focus all your effort on the description of the key players: worm, robin, human, tree. Do not include narration about anything else.
By using bare bones description, you're actually doing yourself a favor. This circle of life theme is very simple, so it makes sense that the style you use to write it should be simple.
The narration was the problem in this piece because it was hyping everything up. It was trying to make things more elaborate than they really were. This attempt at making it more sophisticated backfired, turning most of this story into utter garbage.
Remember your key players: worm, robin, tree, human. What they do is the most important part of this story. Focus on them.
Well, this was very original and I was happy to read all of it without any hesitation at any point.
I didn't notice any mistakes, it was very well written. I like the way you start with a worm and end with a worm.
From when the tree is chopped down until when the worm re-appears is not as strong as the rest. I don't really know why but your tone became more serious and it did change the piece.
Well done, this was a good piece!
Keep it up!
Alainna
xx