SIX
When it came to the issue of sex, Mum and Dad supplied Vivian and me with the information. They gave us a couple of books to read on the matter.
The books were written by Christian authors and so we were given a suitable overview of the subject. We soon learnt about sexual intercourse, lust, pornography, homosexuality and sexual immorality. However even these books did not explain some things I wanted to know about.
For almost as long as I could remember, there were some strange issues about me.
I would like looking at pictures of scantily clad men. Pictures of men in clothes catalogues wearing briefs or boxer shorts, I found exciting and beautiful to look at. Then when I turned thirteen, I started to have erections whenever I looked at them or thought about them. When we went to the beach, I would look out for the men wearing tight Lycra swimming trunks. There was always a grinding, exciting feeling in my stomach when I looked at them. In bed at night I would think about them and have erections: then I would ejaculate. The first time we watched Superman, I was distracted from the plot of the film by thinking how beautiful Christopher Reeve looked in his costume.
At the time I did nor realize that this was lust or masturbation ( although I did later). I was not worried or concerned about all of this. Maybe I was enjoying it too much, so I did not feel worried.
*
So you are probably wondering, when did I fall in love for the first time?
It was in October, the week before half term. Daniel was in a different class to me and so I hadn’t met him on the first day. I was a First Diploma, he was doing National Diploma Year Two.
I first met him at the bus stop outside the college one evening after I had finished for the day. All at once, he just started talking to me.
“I've seen you before at the college. What course are you doing?”
“First Diploma in Animal Management. What about you?”
“I’m Animal Care also. I’m doing ND2. What’s your name?”
“Paul.”
“Hi, Paul, I’m Daniel.”
I felt faltered by his interest in me. He had one earphone from his ipod in his ear. I asked him what he was listening to.
“Greensleves by Ralph Vaughan Williams.”
“Really, that is one of my favourite pieces of music,”I said.
“Do you like classical music then, Paul?” Daniel asked me.
“Yes, I love it. What other pieces do you like?”
We discussed our favourite music for a while and then I learnt that he lived in the same town as me.
“What days are you in?”I asked, eager to get to know him better.
“Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.”
I’m in every day except Thursday.” I said.
We carried on talking until the bus arrived. I learnt he was still living with his parents and he had a older sister who lived in Australia. He had always had an interest in animals and was hoping to be a veterinary science in a few years time. He had a part time job at Debenhams as a chef. He worked weekends and Thursday. I also learnt he shared my love of reading.
When the bus stopped, we said goodbye and parted. I went home feeling excited that I had found someone who I could get on with and shared the same interests as me. I told my parents and they were pleased to.
*
As the weeks went on, the relationship between me and Daniel grew. We got along really well together and I hardly ever felt awkward or uncomfortable around him like I did with other people. I started to find him very attractive with his sandy brown coloured hair, bushy eyebrows, blue eyes and soft voice.
Gradually I found Mondays to be boring because he was never in, and if he did not come in on the other days, I felt depressed. The highlight of each day was having lunch with him in the canteen or going back with him on the bus. Then I found I had that grinding, exciting feeling in my stomach whenever I saw him.
It was then I realized I was in love with him.
SEVEN
I also realised, of course that I could never have any sex or physical contact with Daniel or any other men. I remembered the words in the Bible that described lying with a man as one would a women as an abomination.
The government may have made homosexuality legal, but that didn't alter what the Bible said.
It came to me after I realised I was in love, that maybe all these strange things about me were because I was gay. It slowly came together like a giant jigsaw puzzle. I also realised I must stop looking at erotic pictures of men.
Being gay felt like getting a call-up to a special society that only certain people have to go to when they are born. I would go(because I had no other choice) but I would not join in the events that took place there: I would sit outside with a few other members. I did hope that maybe there were other gay Christians who like me did not want to live the lifestyle and were just there because they had no other choice.
EIGHT
The truth was I did not know what to do about my feelings for Daniel. One the one hand, I felt like I could not tell him how I felt ,because of the age gap between us and I didn’t know how he would react. On the other, I did not want to end our relationship because I was enjoying the way things were at the moment. It felt like I was in the middle, but it was a nice middle I thought.
In the mean time I kept it a secret from other people at college, my family and friends at church. I was waiting for the correct time to tell my parents as I thought it was something they should know about.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
O hai.
This is unbelievably boring. Sorry and all, but it is. It’s all tell, tell, tell. It’s so flat. Bland. No details about emotions or whatever, just a dull “we learnt”. Hormones, why not?
This line makes me think of a badly written fantasy novel. It makes me roll my eyes and yawn. And gee, does Paul really have this big an idea of himself? Hasn’t he realised what all those Gay Pride marches are for?
*blench*
Woah. Um. You can’t just TELL us things like this in a voice like a weather forecaster. This is big and important, and you’re ruining it by reciting details like it’s a recipe book. What would be better is to actually describe a scene where Paul goes to the swimming pool. Instead of the talking to the reader fluff, cut all that and instead have a scene where Paul actually goes swimming and then show us his reactions. Remember, this is a story. A novel. Not a diary entry.
You should watch Smallville… -_-
Are you sure “beautiful” is the right word to connect with “costume”? After all, said costume does mainly consist of a pair of red knickers over blue tights.
I wasn’t, actually.
Need an “and” instead of the comma.
I get a mental image of two robots exchanging names, numbers and functions. “I am C3-PO, human-cyborg relations… Sir, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication.”
Should be “Greensleeves”.
Should be a space after the quote marks.
Space after quote marks. Word underlines them in red, so you should catch these with a proof read.
You forgot the beginning quote marks.
Wrong, should be “too”.
*yawn*
When? This makes it seem as though you’ve been describing an exact event, when you haven’t, you’ve been generalising.
Don’t tell me he didn’t fantasize about it, though. And this really makes Paul seem like a prissy little wotsit: “I’m too good and Christian to do such an abominable thing.”
Only then? What did he think he was before? I can’t believe that Paul was so naïve that he didn’t realise he was gay until then. What about the influence of books, films, the net? Why didn’t he do a Google search, or Yahoo! Answers?
––
I know this sounds really mean, but so far this is extremely dull. It’s more like a diary/blog entry: “I think Christopher Reed is pretty in his red knickers, there’s this boy I think I like but I mustn’t like him because it’s unChristian.” You may not have meant it to come across like that, but Paul seems like a Victorian middle class Sunday School teacher, not doing anything wrong because it’s UnChristian. Not giving money to the poor is UnChristian. Not supporting the missionaries going to spread the Gospel to the heathen in darkest Africa is UnChristian. Bringing religion in in a good way is fine, but right now it just seems weak and prissy.
And the description of Daniel. There’s no feeling there at all. If Paul loves this guy, then he’s going to automatically think about him in a pleasant light, so his thoughts are going to full of how attractive and special Daniel is. Right now, all we know is that he’s got sandy hair, a nice voice and blue eyes. So what? There’s a million and three people in the world with sandy hair, nice voices and blue eyes. You’ve got to convince us that Daniel is special, so special that Paul falls for him in spite of his beliefs.
Read Stephen Fry – either his autobiography Moab is my Washpot, or his novel The Liar. Both deal with the same subject matter (The Liar is very autobiographical) and they show what I’m talking about. In The Liar, the M/C, Adrian, falls in love with another schoolboy, Cartwright, and you can see that even before Adrian “tells” the reader that himself. He thinks about the gold of his hair, the way that music seems even more beautiful when Cartwright plays it, or French when Cartwright speaks it. When they sing “Jerusalem” in church, Adrian changes the words so he’s singing about Cartwright, which is funny, but still shows how he feels.
So, yeah. Put in more spice, more colour, more detail and description, and go out and read how other people have handled this subject.