Published December 21, 2008
My city.
Perfectly trimmed lawns
and flowerbeds that glow.
What is this city about?
Is all of this just for show?
I mean, I love my city.
McMinnville’s great.
But why has so many
succumbed to a horrid fate?
Down past the flowers,
past the smiles and care
is a filthy, hated city
echoed with a single sirens blare.
Homeless sleep
desperate and alone.
Babies cry and scream
against the freezing winds moan.
So I take you now
Away from this sad view
So you can go back to your
Smiles, laughs, and families too.
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Well, since Kiss covered a lot of the mechanics and so forth of the poem, I guess I'll take what I can get!
I agree that your first two lines are great, and the questions kill it. Rhetorical questions can be great for impact, but considering that I know nothing about this town yet, they only confuse me and make me want answers. Why not turn them into statements? Statements are much more powerful, anyway. Think of it: Did you steal my keys? or You stole my keys! Which is worse?
I like how you're showing that the city is nice on the outside and horrible underneath, as well as that people pretend it isn't that bad, but it is kind of vague. For example S2L3 "But why has so many / succumbed to a horrid fate?" I'm left wondering what the horrid fate is. Horrid fate is such a vague way of saying things. And you do discuss what later, but never specifically. Homelessness, ambulances. I think a better way to show this would be to cut the "horrid fate" as well as the vague examples, and just find one solid, strong example of what the city is underneath. Perhaps a hungry child begging on the street who everyone passes by, more concerned about getting to work on time? A solid example would help to inspire sympathy in your reader, and is a lot easier to relate to than a vague statement involving ambulances and child's cries. You could even cut the third and forth stanza to replace it with the solid example.
The last stanza is a good close, but I think you could, again, point out peoples ignorance better with an example rather than telling. The rhyme is also corny and sort of makes the seriousness of your poem fly out the window. Try to show, not tell.
If you have any questions, feel free to message me!
Hiya Princess! kissthewitch here to review your poem!
First of all, just a couple things:
Okay. I like the way your poem starts out, I think your first two lines are perfection. However, I'm not a big fan of questions in poems...try showing us that it's a facade instead of asking.
The 'But why have so many succumbed to a horrid fate' part was a bit annoying. Again, I would rephrase it so it's not a question.
'past the smiles and care': Past the care? What? I feel like you just chose that word because it rhymes.
'So you can go back to your/Smiles, laughs, and families too.': I don't know why, but that seems like an odd place to put a line break. Read it out loud, maybe you'll see what I mean.
Overall: Mostly you used the rhyme well, though there were a couple places ('care', 'too') where it seemed forced, so watch out for that. Otherwise, I think you have a good idea here! Just pay attention to grammar