Young Writers Society

five
Hey there Princess, I'm Kirsten, don't think I've formally met you before, so hi! Anyway, I'm going to go over the actual poem and then a little critique, okay:

[s]Fading Star[/s]

I'd completely get rid of this first line, it is beautiful, in its own way, but beautiful in a certain way that you'd have had to read the whole poem to acknowledge the true beauty of it, I apologise for that being so confusing. XD Basically I think this would be better at the end of the poem instead of the start.

Oh how bright your smile!

I, contrary to all the reviewers before me, actually love the word Oh in poems. I understand exactly what Evi's saying about it being a filler word, but at the same time, in some poems it's actually not a filler word. It's almost a musing word, or so to speak. I'd leave it in, Princess As a first sentence I find this much better as a first line, and I think it flows fine with the Oh. Furthermore, removing the Oh would result in the exclamation mark having to be removed, and I think it works as a first line...

You’ll be with us

For just a little while

I think you meant to add a more onto the end of this sentence. Otherwise it seems to suggest that the dying person is very young, the rest of the poem, contradicts this and seems to suggest that the dying person is in fact old.

We love you

Comma should be here I think

dear

And as you fade out,

Please, [s]honey, just[/s] don’t fear!

I'd nix honey and just. I think this way it flows better and just generally works better.

Hold on to happy thoughts and [s]laughs[/s]

I feel that smiles would work better than laughs here, I'm not too sure why, it just seems to fit better and flow better.

Make your hands happy

With your favorite crafts

Something happens to the tone here, it just completely disappears. Make your hands happy with your favourite crafts? But really it's not your hands that are happy, is it? It is your brain and your soul. I would consider revising this part if I were you, but I'm not too sure how to go about it, so I shall leave it up to you

So fading star, we love you so.

I'd get rid of one of the sos, the repetition of so is rather annoying, rather don't you rather think rather?

And with a last happy smile

Close your eyes, and let go.

I think it'd be good to perhaps end the poem with the line fading star, seeing as that sums up your entire poem basically.

Aww, this was a lovely poem, I can really empathise, as can a lot of people, which always makes a poem good. So let's do a small critique now:


I like the execution of this poem:

You go straight to the point, without wasting time on other things. However, methinks perhaps a little imagery wouldn't go amiss ?

Whether it be concrete or abstract, I think either would work.

I just think that perhaps it would make us the teeniest bit more empathetic for your character, or you.

Maybe a comment on the person's appearence or something.

philosophy

Well... this was possibly one of the easiest poems to comprehend the meaning I have ever read. Excuse the awful phrasing.

It was evidently about someone dying, and someone else being almost glad at their dying, for perhaps they suffer terrible pain or something.

If you wanted to I think you could pursue some more goals in the philosophy field of this poem. Perhaps add something more to it, something of death and life, darkness and light,

Philosophy in poetry, I find most delightful, it's so refreshing and interesting. Another reason why I like this poem.

This poem was really good, Princess, I'm sorry if you've lost anyone close.

Hope I helped!

~Kirsten

Heyy Princess! I loved this but it seemed sooo tragic...The fading star dies??

Oh how bright your smile!

I think Evi's right in this one and that the "oh" should be taken out...

We love you dear

And as you fade out,

Shouldn't there be a comma before dear?

'Kay so those were the only two nitpicks I had this poem...I was actually really impressed by this...But, it seems like this wasn't really very polished...I mean, I can totally see what you're trying to say, and the message comes across clearly. But, it seems to be said in a really blunt way. I would polish it up and make it subtler. For instance, in this part,

You’ll be with us

For just a little while

you seem to be telling me that they'll only be here for a little while. Instead, use some imagery or something to show it. Say something like
"Like a meteor, you blazed across the sky
Yet, your light fades as the darkness returns..."
That's just me and not very good, since I just thought of it...But, you get the idea...Anywayz, good job on this and gold star for you!

fluteluvr77<3

Princess wrote:Oh how bright your smile!
You’ll be with us
For just a little while
We love you dear
And as you fade out,
Please, honey, just don’t fear!

After calling this person "dear", there's no need to refer to him/her as "honey" just a few lines later. It's unnecessary.

Fading out sounds so impersonal that it doesn't belong in your otherwise-sentimental poem. Would you really tell a dying person to their face "As you fade out, etc etc"? It sounds too blunt. Replace it with a sentence a little more abstract that doesn't painfully remind us of why you included the title (after all, in my opinion, the title's meaning should be clear on its own without such concrete explanation).

Hold on to happy thoughts and laughs
Make your hands happy
With your favorite crafts
So fading star, we love you so.
And with a last happy smile
Close your eyes, and let go.

The last sentence here is completely out of touch with what you're trying to say in the rest of the piece. Why are you encouraging him/her to die? That's how it sounds, even if you didn't mean it that way. Don't tell them to close their eyes and let go, especially since the rest of the poem seems to be about making the most out of whatever time they have left. Make it a side of the main meaning; use that above-mentioned theme to close your poem. Maybe something about finding happiness in the final creation or craft.

Hope that helped.

Princess wrote:Fading Star
Oh how bright your smile! <---I think you should remove "oh" so it flows better
You’ll be with us
For just a little while(.)
We love you dear
And as you fade out,
Please, honey, just don’t fear!
Hold on to happy thoughts and laughs
Make your hands happy
With your favorite crafts(.) <--Does this fit in with the rest of the poem?
So fading star, we love you so.
And with a last happy smile
Close your eyes and let go.

Hi Princess ^^ Shina here I'll be your reviewer today.

As for your conventions, you missed a few periods, but you might have done that on purpose xD Also I don't think you're supposed to capitalize the first letter in each line unless it's the beginning of a sentence, yes?

Overall opinion: Personally, I think the rhyme scheme sort of ate up your whole idea. I like the idea you have, but the words you used just don't seem to connect and correspond with one another. The point you're trying to get across is sort of, well actually really confusing. When you talk about crafts I'm not sure if that connects too well, and I also think the punctuation and all thoses pauses with those commas is getting in the way of the overall poem.

That's all I have at the moment ^^

~Shina

Aww! This was sweet it a slightly depressing way. I'm assuming the fading star...died?

Oh how bright your smile!

I don't like 'ohs' in poems. They're just filler words, you know? Taking it out would not take out anything important, and they just come across as fake to me. If you absolutely must keep it, put a comma before 'how'.

Your rhyme throws me off because you don't follow your initial pattern. One naturally assumes it'll go A, B, C, B the entire poem, like it does in the beginning, but then you switch to an A, B, A, C rhyming scheme...and then you have two lines without rhymes...and then you do an A, B, A...

But, then again, I'm the rhyme police and I'm irked with even the slightest errors in rhyming. I prefer concrete rhyming that follows a pattern; it makes it smoother, somehow.

If you read this aloud, I think you'll be able to tell where your rhyming scheme is hijacked. Right after 'while' and before 'dear' (which is, I'll remind you, another filler word-- but in this case, it's necessary for the next rhym, so I'll let it go).

We don't really have much to work with here, methinks. It's rather short and to the point, which can be good. Which is good, I think. However, your rhythym could be steadier, and, like I've said, the rhyming changes are distracting to your over-all flow.

I liked this, though. It was definately a unique idea; instead of trying to pull somebody away from eath (I assume that's what this is about, anyway) you're encouraging them to let go. Nice innovative idea, but it could be excecuted the teeniest bit better.

Good job, good luck, and I hope this was at least a little helpful!

~Evi