z

Young Writers Society



Chicken

by Princess


The walk up to the cemetery was not that terrifying… But once I arrived, I was having second thoughts.

I should never have agreed to go to the cemetery at midnight. This was all because of that stupid dare! My best friends are so cruel sometimes.

The moon rose over the gate to Old Pine Cemetery. The gravestones were all battered and crumbling, especially the ancient ones in the back. The trees waved along with the ghastly howl that was the wind. I shivered and pulled my hood over my tangled light brown hair.

All I had to do was run all the way to the back of the cemetery and mark my initials in black pen... That was all. I started forward, trudging along the hard packed ground. I could imagine all the mourners that passed by here. I thought of all the bouquets of roses lost forever in this small and forlorn village of stone. My spine crawled.

I was passing the third row of headstones. I could not make out the withered names carved into stone, and I tried not to look at the ages. I hated being in this cemetery! The last time I was here, it was when my old great-great relative of someone died. I personally didn’t care, but seeing my whole family so upset, it bothered me.

I was at the fifth row now. The graves were even more damaged. With only one more row to pass, I began to break out in a cold sweat. I really didn’t have to be there. I could tell my friends I had chickened out. Then I heard the giggling. I looked around wildly, and there, in the trees were four eyeliner darkened sets of eyes.

Of course they would come! My so called four best friends who forced me to walk out in the middle of an old forsaken bone yard, where who knows what could be lurking beyond the last row, were probably laughing at my heroic bravery.

I stopped at the back row, with more giggles coming from the trees, and spied a grave at the very end.

It read: “Our Baby Forever” and I couldn’t read the name, but it said the kid was only five when he died. Poor little guy.

I took out a black pen, and with a shaking hand, I started to write the letter H, but before I was done, I heard a strange noise.

It started out soft, but then it got louder and louder. It was a baby crying. Not just crying, but wailing. I scanned the area, looking for the source of the sound, but to no prevail.

Suddenly, the earth around the grave that I choose started shaking. I stumbled backward, and fell over a headstone.

The ground exploded, shooting debris of who-knows-what at me. Right in front of me, there was what looked like a 5 year old child, but oddly misshapen.

The kid’s skin was snow white, and face was covered in tears. His eyes were dark red. He wore little overalls that were ripped and torn at, with blood staining the rips. There were cuts and bruises all over his face, and his head was completely bald.

I was scared out of my wits. I sat there, frozen with fear, until his lips moved.

“Who are you?”

His voice was raspy, as if he had been shoving needles down his throat.

“H-Haley,” I managed to say. I had never thought trembling with fear was literal, but now I believed it.

“So Haley, have you come to hear my story? Because if you have, I’m feeling generous tonight.”

I looked over at the trees where my friends were before. They were nowhere to be seen… Chickens.

“Y-Yes, I do want to hear your ...story,” I said. Personally, I had no idea what this, this thing, was talking about. I began to grow more confident that he would not eat me, or harvest my brain or something of that sort. I waited for the creature to begin.

“150 years ago, I lived on a small farm just over the trees. Life was hard. My parents thought that I did not need an education, so they kept me at home to work. Consider that I was only five when all this had happened. Anyway, my father beat me for disobeying, and I disobeyed a lot… Finally, it came to one night, when I had accidentally broken mother’s best china, father lost it. He let all hell lose, and with mother on his side, I was done for.”

I listened to him talk, trying to remember everything. I was really starting to feel bad for this little guy.

“I ran outside to hide, and found a jagged branch that would have worked just like a spear. That was the night I became an orphan. When the villagers saw what I had done, they came and slaughtered me.”

I shuddered. I didn’t feel sorry for him anymore. I started to back away slowly.

“So you see, living in a grave is lonely, and I would like a playmate.”

The last thing I ever heard was my own scream.


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Sat Jan 10, 2009 1:39 am
Phantomofthebasket wrote a review...



Wow.
Nice piece.

The child was a bit... too intelligent for being a five year old. He was talking as if he were an adult. What you could do to change this is make the kid seem innocent, yet keep the creepiness with him, since I think you did this very well.

And even though the last sentence is kind of a major cliche, I kind of liked it. It gave the story a nice ending. Not too detailed to ruin it.

Kudos.




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Sat Dec 20, 2008 7:17 pm
canislupis wrote a review...



Hi!

I enjoyed reading this. :) Your writing style is really cool, and I actually think there was about the right amount of description, contrary to other reviewers.

The biggest thing I think you need to work on is the originality part. The whole "graveyard at midnight for a dare" Is pretty cliched, as is the "last thing I heard was my own scream"

I think you could ramp up the fright a bit more. In the beginning, when there is nothing for her to be afraid of, I don't think her reaction would be as strong. She might be a little jumpy/nevous, but that's all.

Actually, I might suggest moving the whole scenario to a different location. (Besides another graveyard or "Spooky mansion up on a hill" ;) I think something like that would help to make the story your own.

Graveyards are, IMO, pretty overused in horror stories, especialy written for kids. As soon as I hear the word "Graveyard" It makes me want to stop reading.

Your voice is pretty unique and interesting, though I would suggest a thorough editing session, (perhaps reading it aloud to yourself) to help pick up any errors besdes the ones already pointed out.

Also, the voice of the ghost seems a bit to old for a five year old. I see this a lot in stories with young children, especially when the child is the MC. He sounds like he's much older.

A five yeard old child wouldn't be going to school yet anyway... I'm not sure when this is supposed to be set, but words like "villagers" and stuff like that make it seem really old. Even just one or two hundred years ago, kids didn't go to school till they were nine. I would find some way to make the date on the tombstone apparent. If it was that old, and I'm assuming it must be, it woul probably be crumbling with age, and the writing on it wouldn't be very legible from a distance.

Just something to take into account!

~lupis




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Thu Dec 18, 2008 9:40 am
foxfire wrote a review...



nice story...but the only there is that it wpould be better if there woulkd eb good description of the child and change the baby's cry to child's cry but all in all the stry is good ....

i like the plot...i want to know what had happen to the boy...




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Thu Dec 18, 2008 6:42 am
niccy_v wrote a review...



First off: this story has a lot of telling - i cannot imagine much because you tell me everything, so you need to use dialogue to 'show' and do less telling us 'this then that'.

I should never have agreed to go to the cemetery at midnight.

add: This is all *insert name*’s fault. So it's an inner thought. Gives the character a little more voice.

source of the sound, but to no prevail.

To no prevail - delete the 'but'

then that the reality that my mother was dead came to me.

Oh my that is major telling.

This is a good story, but you haven't established much character. For a start there is little emotion-wise and the character to me feels flat and lifeless.
To get this you should think seriously how they might feel to all the things he does. Insert feeling, sound, sight, warmth etc in. Is it hot? Cold?
And describing the setting also would help the reader imagine things far easier.

Definitely.

Good luck.




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Fri Oct 17, 2008 7:41 pm
skl02134 wrote a review...



I really, really like the story. Truly, I do. It just needs more substance, more of what exactly she is thinking. As nutty above me said, her reaction to the five year old seemed a little weak.

Also, the kid seemed a bit.. articulate for his age. Most five-year-olds I know wouldn't be able to talk so formally. Make it creepier, by adding a bit more child-like innocence to him, while still making him seem intelligent, with an ulterior motive to coming above-ground.

Otherwise, just add some more imagery to 'stimulate the senses' and this is really good!




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Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:55 pm
Nutty wrote a review...



Very good! I assume this is a stand alone piece? I was interested the whole way through the piece, well done.

It was a baby crying. Not just crying, but wailing. I scanned the area, looking for the source of the sound, but to no prevail.

A baby? Where did that come from? Five year olds don't sound like babies, so this doesn't quite make sense.
Perhaps just change it to a child's cry?

looked like a 5 year old child,

I suggest you use written numbers over decimals. The '5' in that sentence makes it feel amateurish, 'five' fits more nicely.

He wore little overalls that were ripped and torn at, with blood staining the rips.

This sentence doesn't quite flow as nicely as it should. I think you should rearrange it, as the 'with blood staining the rips' part feels tacked on, almost like an afterthought.
Try something like:
His overalls were torn, blood staining the ragged holes in the fabric.
Or something like that. My example isn't the best ><;

I wasn't totally convinced by her reaction. Frozen with fear, sure, but she got her confidence back rather quickly. I know I would run for the hills if a corpse started talking to me. I would at least be more confused. Try bringing more emotion into this section, and justify her reaction. Her fear was fairly believable, but her actions didn't really match how she was feeling. This weakens the scene.


The last thing I ever heard was my own scream.


I didn't like this. It's a rather weak, overused ending. Try changing it, make it your own. What was her last thought? Her last sight? How was the scream? High pitched? Ragged?
What did the child do? Lunge at her? Burn her to a crisp? Send a million maggots to eat her flesh? (ew)

Overall, you have a decent concept here. It needs some refining, perhaps add some of the other senses into your description. Don't underestimate the power of smell! Remember, you are building a scene in the reader's head. You want to make it as realistic as possible, as efficiently as possible.
Your grammar was good, I didn't spot anything, nor any spelling mistakes. Kudos to you for that. ^^
I liked how the kid was a murderer. Not something you would expect from a five year old kid. But why would his headstone read 'Our Baby Forever'? If he killed the parents... it seems a bit strange to have such a fond message.
But overall, I like the concept, and with some refining, I think you have a great piece here. :wink:

-Nutty





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