Published February 25, 2009
Her eyes opened wide
as she stared in awe.
The bleak, gray universe
differed from what she saw.
The sun shone down
on the shimmering trees.
Tiny flowers twirled,
petals open for the bees.
Her heart ached
as she turned from her dream.
Her center, soul, and wish
the rocks and bubbling stream.
She didn't belong there,
she didn't deserve the peace.
Her center was troubled
her tears would never cease.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,747 Reviews
This was a really lovely poem. Word choice and descriptions were all perfect.
Absolutely lovely poem.
--Knightly
I like this, the rhyming is predictable but not badly done, you did a good job.
I'm unsure what the poem is about, though? Is it about a particular event? I couldn't really get a feel or sense of narrative, though I'm aware that may be the point. 
I thought this stanza was great:
"Her heart ached
as she turned from her dream;
Her center, soul, and wish
the rocks and bubbling stream."
Although you could benefit from some punctuation after wish, it's just a nice image. Other than that, I don't think there's much else to say - I would consider revising the first stanza as the word 'differed' in the fourth line really throws off the rhythm, but otherwise, I think you did a good job. =D
I really liked this! It was short and flowing, very easy to read. The central thought was nice, but I had to think about it a while to understand it (it IS late where I am, perhaps this is why, hmm?).
As Spring Rain said, though, I think that the punctuation needs to be changed. It would be even moreso flowing if the unnecessary full stops were gone! In honesty, I skipped over most of the punctuation because I felt it read better that way:
Her eyes opened wide
as she stared in awe;
The bleak, gray universe
differed from what she saw.
The sun shone down
on the shimmering trees;
Tiny flowers twirled,
petals open for the bees.
Her heart ached
as she turned from her dream;
Her center, soul, and wish
the rocks and bubbling stream.
She didn't belong there,
she didn't deserve the peace.
Her center was troubled
her tears would never cease.
I think the full stop at the last stanza ("she didn't deserve the peace.") works very well where it is because the poem is coming to an end and it IS sort of a bleak and halting ending, so the stop works well.
Overall, it was a very enjoyable read! Great job!
-Cassie
Wow, Princess! This is really good...I didn't really have any nitpicks with this...I liked how it's short yet conveys the meaning perfectly. The one thing that I didn't really like about this poem was that it is entirely in past tense...Personally, I prefer poems that are completely in present tense. For example you can make the first two lines in present by doing something like :
Her eyes open wide
as she stares in awe.
But, that's just my opinion...Anywayz, great job on this and gold star for you!
fluteluvr77<3
P.S. I love your avvie!
Very nice! It feels very powerful, and I like many of the comparisons you use. I have one thing, however...
That last line breaks up the flow. The first three are short and slipped, but the 'differed' makes the last one too long, to my ear.
Other then that, I loved it! It was very well written, and I can tell you've done poetry before. Great job!
Hey there Princess! It's June!
Yay! Poetry by you is always enjoyable. Nevertheless, I still have my nitpicks, haha. I won't be harsh, dear, let's go:
• Punctuation in your writing's body language, haha. Pay attention to the way you use it, dear! You don't want to bring us to a full stop when it's not necessary.
• Petals, dear. Pedals are the things you see on bikes and in cars
Using "the" is making this sound very generalistic, almost as if something else is crying. If you substitute that with "her" it sounds more direct, dear.
*
I really liked this, Princess! It had a "natural" touch to it, and that helped it to flow smoothly-- but! I can't actually find the focal point of this? It's probably intended to be slightly vague, but in poetry, it's nice to have something to think about and base the words upon. [/endoframbling]
But! You had a nice rhyme scheme here, dear. Some spots were a little rough and could use a touch of polishing, but overall, it was good.
I enjoyed it alot! Keep it up, Princess!
June