Published March 29, 2011
Eyes like lightning, they whip us with ceramic hands
And crack our bones like thunder--there was
Only apathy for people like us, trying to dance
And keep our footing in the blood-blue tides.
With tidy uniforms, they straightened out our collars,
Preened at our hair while we tried
To keep our mouths above the water--
We fell for a moment, kicking and fighting the current,
And they yanked us up by our ears,
Admonishing us for ruining our hair.
So, this is my first post-- I'm really hoping it works. This poem is about unrealistic expectations and people that pay attention to details and stuff like that when there's a lot going on underneath that they ignore. That kind of thing.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Good-looking poem.
Now first thing, I don't think you needed an explanation at all down there after the poem, and certainly not such a detailed one. We readers appreciate figuring that sort of thing out on our own, and some may feel mildly insulted. You can always PM your reviewers if you feel they missed your point. Just giving a head up.
Now on to the poem itself...
The way this feels, kind of fancy and snooty, makes me think you should change "blood-blue" to "blue-blood" in the fourth line. A reader will still understand what you mean visually, ad it will add a layer to the depth of the poem, specifying some background without shoving it down a reader's throat.
The "tide" repetition... I have to agree that it is slightly overbearing. However, if you split the two words apart a tad, as they are nearly touching now, the effect will be much-improved.
Nice stanza break, splitting at a dramatic moment. I do feel the last stanza might be strengthened if broken differently, like so:
The flow is a bit faster, more conclusive, etc.
Also, don't capitalize every line. It can be done in certain forms, such as sonnets, but here it just seems a bit amateurish. But nothing too worrisome, just something to take note of in future.
In the second and third lines, move "Only" from the beginning of line three to the end of line two - the flow will clear up a bit and line two won't finish on the awkward note of "was."
Liking the watery and electrical (some would even say shocking, haha) imagery and its consistent permeation of the lines. Good albeit very traditional/common way of showing the authority+dominance of the caretakers and the helplessness of the charges.
Overall, a nice poem with some room for self-betterment. Keep writing! =]
I enjoyed this! You have a good way with words. Behindthemask already said the only thing I could find, the tide thing. And the ending did seem a bit odd to me, but hey, if it works for you, then great! Sometimes strange poems are the best to read. Keep writing!!
Hello Primordiality!
I actually liked this poem! It was really well portrayed and written. It's a bit strange to read, especially the ending. But I don't doubt you were going for that, so it's good!
I didn't have any other nitpicks than that, surprisingly
~BTM
P.S.~ Welcome to YWS.