z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter #1

by PrymRose


You would think fourteen year olds would know how to do calculus I think as I take a seat at the front of our math class.

I have always been much brighter than my peers, most of the time I know more than the professors. Our math teacher, Mr Artemis is a tall thin man and like all of the other teachers at Durmstrung Institute for Orphans. He really has no life.

I somehow manage to get through all my lessons like I do every day. The only thing I can look forward to in such a dull place like this is after supper when everyone is sent to bed. I climb out of my dorm window, and pull myself up onto the roof of the old rundown building. Here I am free to be myself with no one around but my best friend, Nev.

Nev came to the orphanage when I was nine, she was eight. Her parents were alcoholics and they got into a car crash coming back from the bar one night. Ever since then Nev has been an orphan like me.

“Nev!” I say as I join Nev on the roof. Nev is the only person I can be myself with, but I still need to act positive for her sake. Nev needs me. New kids are always picked on, but especially Nev, because she is so small. And trust me if anybody knows what being picked on feels like, it’s me. But I need Nev too, she brings me back to the real world, in fact she is the only reason I am still here. I have been thinking about running away for a while, leaving the orphanage, but I can’t leave, now that Nev is here, I can’t leave her. And it is probably for the best too. I mean, I would have no chance of surviving out on the streets of London, England. Even with my wits, the streets are a scary place.

“How’s your day been?” Nev asks. No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to talk at such ease as Nev is able to. Whenever a conversation gets boring or uncomfortable, count on Nev to come to the rescue!

“Alright. Yours?” I reply.

“Well, it was my turn in the kitchen today. I got some extra meatloaf at supper, Oh, and I started that story you told me about! I’ve got to say, it isn’t bad!”

I know Nev isn’t as into books, but she reads them anyways. Just to help me not feel as lonely. What would I do without her?

“Come on. We’ve got a big day ahead of us. We should get some sleep,” I say as I scoot back down the roof.

Sorry, I haven’t formally introduced myself, my name is Tris. Just Tris. I didn’t come with a last name.

That night as I washed up, I caught myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. You could say I am pretty, I have dirty blond hair that falls down to my belly button, and big bright green eyes. But my small frame, and grimy face reminded me that I am an orphan, and nobody cares what orphans look like.

I get into bed and try to get some sleep. No use. Car engines and honking horns are a constant background buzz. England is a beautiful place, but when you look closer, especially with the war against the Americans and everything going on, England can be pretty ugly.

The next morning I’m up at 5. I always get up at 5. When I don’t, I feel like I am not being as productive as I can be. I am the only one up at this time, everyone else stays in bed till 8 when they are woken up by the bell. I shower and get dressed, then start my back aching chores. One thing you should know about me is that I am a total perfectionist, and because of it, it usually takes longer for me to get my chores done. I guess I am the only one who actually cares about having a clean place to live. I work till my hands have sores, and the professors don’t even notice the cleanliness of the orphanage. They are just like all of the other children in this place, other than Nev, bone dry twits.

I start by making my bed all tidy - I absolutely hate creases in my covers.

Then I move to the floor and scrub it squeaky clean. By the time I finish this, the other girls in my dorm are getting up. They have gotten used to the fact that I am always up and ready when they wake up. What they don’t know is that I am the only reason we always win cleanest dorm. And that I am the only reason we always get our food first at supper, and why we get first pick on the soccer field. They just don’t realize how lazy they really are.

By about 2 in the afternoon, I finally finish cleaning up the kitchen and making lunch for the entire orphanage. Every dorm is responsible for making a meal each week. Our dorm is lucky that our meal is on the weekend because it means that during the week we can get all of our school done, and then on the weekends we don’t have as much to do. Of course this applies to everyone in my dorm, but me. Infact I would rather do school. While my dorm is fooling around and eating all the food from the pantries, I buckle down and make the meal. I am a pretty good chef, I hate cooking, but I am good at following the instructions from the recipe. After all, cooking is all about measurements, and I got a perfect score on my measurement test.

That night I lay in bed, knowing that I will never fall asleep. Eventually I give up and walk out of my dorm. I’m used to the gloomy halls, but at night it just makes it extra creepy. I walk, following my feet to wherever they wish to take me. Of course, I find myself at the track near the orphanage. Luckily for me, the track is open 24/7, meaning that I can run, and nobody is in front of me to slow me down. I’m sure I can become a professional long distance runner, if I really try. I love running, I am good at running, I have the perfect body for it. Small, but strong muscles underneath. Running is one of the only reasons why I have not been killed yet.

I have been at the orphanage since before I can remember. As I got a little older, maybe around 3 or 4, I was able to understand that I was one of the youngest kids at the orphanage, snd because the weakest ones are the kids who get picked on, running is what saved my life, and I think that may be why I value it so much.

I run till midnight, pushing all of my thoughts out of my mind, and just running.

As I head back through the halls toward my dorm, I hear noises coming from down the corridor.

I immediately jump behind a stone statue that is probably there to scare little kids. In fact, it is more like a gargoyle. Anyways, if the professors caught me, I wouldn’t get food for days. I would know, it's happened before.

I can see them now, its Mr. Artemis and our headmaster, Ms. Trunchbull. A woman with no husband, no children, and like all other teachers, no life.

“For the last time Artemis, I want that girl out of here,” Ms. Trunchbull screams, loud enough to hurt Artemis’s ears, but not enough to wake up the rest of the orphanage.

“As I have told you for the past fourteen years Athena, the government won’t let her anywhere else!” I can tell Mr. Artemis is annoyed, but I don’t think Ms. Trunchbull has noticed yet.

“Well then throw her on the streets for all I care! The Americans are getting closer and closer to finding this orphanage, and if they figure out that the girl is here, they will tear it all down!” Now they are close enough for me to see the fire burning in her eyes.

What girl are they talking about? And why do the Americans have anything to do with this? I guess this war has been going on for over a decade, and millions of people are getting hurt because of it. But the Americans being interested in a girl from this tiny little orphanage? No way!

“I am telling you! This girl will mean the end of this orphanage!” They are right next to me now, but they haven’t noticed me yet.

“I know. And by keeping her here we are putting all of these children in danger, but by hiding Tris, we are keeping her parents undercover, and by doing so, saving all of England.” Artemis replies in a hoarse whisper.

I can’t breath. But I couldn’t have misheard him, he is right next to me. They said my name. And my parents, they’re alive? And then I remembered, before, Artemis had said that they had been keeping this secret for fourteen years, I am fourteen, they are talking about me.

Nev. That’s all I can manage to think about right now. They said that if the Americans’ find me, and this orphanage, the children are in danger, that means Nev. For the past few years I have stayed for Nev’s sake, but now, I need to leave for Nev’s sake. If I stay she is in danger, and if something were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself.


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62 Reviews


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Tue Jul 14, 2020 8:57 pm
RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hello Prim Rose! This is an amazing start to a fantastic story! I love this first chapter and cant wait to read more. Lets get onto the review. I see this a lot with first chapters or prologues (including my own), there somewhat rushed. Your trying to get all of the plot set in action and introduce the characters at the same time. Maybe try breaking these up into 2 chapters, one for introductions, and one for setting the plot in motion. Also, when you talk about Nev, you always say Nev. Maybe try switching out Nev for she sometimes. It will help it flow better. Final thing, I don't know if this is a design choice or not, but you don't mention the main characters name anywhere. That's all that I have. Keep up the great work and good luck continuing this adventure.

-RadDog




PrymRose says...


Thank you RadDog for the input! I will be sure to go back and edit my work!



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Fri Jun 26, 2020 2:34 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hello, It's Harry here for a review.

First Impression: Okay pretty heavy for an opening chapter there. Definitely makes you interested pretty quickly.

You would think fourteen-year-olds would know how to do calculus, think as I take a seat at the front of our math class. I have always been much brighter than my peers, most of the time I know more than the professors. Our math teacher, Mr. Artemis is a tall thin man and like all of the other teachers at Durmstrung Institute for Orphans. He really has no life. I somehow manage to get through all my lessons like I do every day. The only thing I can look forward to in such a dull place like this is after supper when everyone is sent to bed. I climb out of my dorm window and pull myself up onto the roof of the old rundown building. Here I am free to be myself with no one around but my best friend, Nev.


Now this is a bit of a confusing opening. Three different things are mentioned so you might want to break this up into a couple of paragraphs from where the ideas change or it feels like we're jumping around.

“Hey kid,” I said as I joined Nev on the roof. Even with my witts, the streets are a scary place.


That seems a little bit unusual for a fourteen year old to call someone a kid.
And that should be wits.

That night as I washed up, I caught myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. You could say I am pretty, I have dirty blond hair that falls down to my belly button, and big bright green eyes. But my small frame and grimy face reminded me that I am an orphan, and nobody cares what orphans look like.


Kind of a cliche way to show the protagonist's appearance but considering this is first person it works I guess.

The next morning I’m up at 5. I always get up at 5. When I don’t, I feel like I am not being as productive as I can be. I am the only one up at this time, everyone else stays in bed till 8 when they are woken up by the bell. I shower and get dressed, then start my back aching chores. One thing you should know about me is that I am a total perfectionist, and because of it, it usually takes longer for me to get my chores done. I guess I am the only one who actually cares about having a clean place to live. I work till my hands have sores, and the professors don’t even notice the cleanliness of the orphanage. They are just like all of the other children in this place, other than Nev, bone dry twits.


So this paragraph is great. It gives us some nice insight into her character and gives us a nice introduction to her personality.

I am a pretty good chef, I hate cooking, but I am good at following the instructions from the recipe. After all, cooking is all about measurements, and I got a perfect score on my measurement test.


I would argue that there is a lot more to cooking than measurements but this is a really big nitpick so don't worry about it.

As I got a little older, I realized that I was one of the youngest kids there. And because the weakest ones are the kids who get picked on, running is what saved my life, and I think that may be why I value it so much.


Doesn't make sense why she'd take a long time to figure out she was the youngest there.

"For the last time Artemis, I want that girl out of here,” Ms. Trunchbull screams, loud enough to hurt Artemis’s ears, but not enough to wake up the rest of the orphanage.


Well she has no respect for the people in the neighborhood.

b]Some people are so oblivious I think[/b] as the two professors slowly inch closer and closer to my hiding place.


That statement being just randomly inserted there obstructs the flow a little bit. Plus that's already implied by the fact that they don't notice her so I think that sentence should probably be removed.

“I know. And by keeping her here we are putting all of these children in danger, but by hiding Tris, we are keeping her parents undercover, and by doing so, saving all of England.” Artemis replies in a hoarse whisper.


This is the best part of the chapter. The reader is instantly interested after reading something like that.

For the past few years, I have stayed for Nev’s sake, but now, I need to leave for Nev’s sake. If I stay she is in danger, and if something were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself.


Why do I get the feeling that this was a bad decision?

And that's it for this chapter.

Overall: Really intriguing first chapter. You get personality across pretty well. Sounds like it will be a very interesting story.

Could you tag me when you post the next chapter?

And of course remember to take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




PrymRose says...


Got it! Thank you for the tips, I will be sure to add them.



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!!!



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Sun Jun 21, 2020 1:10 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey Prim Rose!

First of all, a late welcome to YWS! I hope you’re enjoying the site!!

So, I want to start off by saying that I’m loving this premise. Tris, a (rather) lonely but (seemingly extremely) smart girl stuck in an orphanage. And apparently her parents are alive! I feel like I’ve seen this plotline a little bit before in other stories, but I think you’ve managed to create a really nice and unique plot—her parents are undercover and have something to do with America/England/war??? That is sooo interesting.

You’ve also really nicely established Tris’s “place” in the orphanage. It’s clear her dormmates don’t value her as much as they should (DUDES she’s doing all your chores!!! Hahah I would love that). I also really really enjoyed Tris’s commentary, like the teachers “having no lives” or “twits”. Really good.

Nev seems like an important character. If not very important/prevalent in the novel, she seems extremely important to Tris’s character, as seen here, for example:

For the past few years, I have stayed for Nev’s sake, but now, I need to leave for Nev’s sake. If I stay she is in danger, and if something were to happen to her, I would never forgive myself.


Tris’s entire decision is revolving around Nev. I really like this idea, but I do wish we got more “Nev content” in this chapter. Tris goes to meet Nev on the roof, and I was hoping for a conversation between the two, but it kinda cuts off and suddenly Tris is in bed! I really think there was more interaction between Nev and Tris (not only Tris’s thoughts), it would work to establish and show how important Nev is to Tris. Right now, as a reader, because it’s the first chapter, I don’t have any feelings about Nev. I wanna see how close of a sisterly bond Nev and Tris have!!

One other thing—throughout the chapter, Tris is mentioning various things about her, particularly things she’s good at (academics, chores, running, etc). I’m looking forwards to seeing her faults as a character, because right now she seems a bit perfect (although I’m wondering if maybe she’s secretly a prodigy at a lot of things because maybe her parents are super-powerful or something?? :0).

Anyway, that’s my main feedback for this chapter! I really love orphan stories and it looks like you have a pretty original one here. I would love to read more if you post more! If you wanna tag me when you post more that’d be wonderful : o

See you around!
Peace,
~ EternalRain




PrymRose says...


Thank you for the feedback EternalRain! I will definitely put those ideas into perspective!




Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria