Published August 15, 2011
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT SORT OF CHEAP TRASH ARE YOU?” bellowed her dad.
She looked up from her desk and looked left at her reflection in the mirror. Long, silky straight black hair. Clear, fair skin. Skinny frame in a black T-shirt and skinny jeans. Blue eyes colder than ice; deader than death. Eyes of pain. It had started again.
“Don’t you call me cheap trash!” shouted her mother, and there was a crash. There goes another piece of china.
“Another man? Just how many do you have? Do you have no sense of decency at all? You’re a married woman!”
Serena reached her trembling hand to the last drawer on her desk. She drew it open, feeling her heart beat. They had forgotten. They had completely forgotten. A memory flashed through her mind.
[i]“Serena, why did you do it?”
“You and Dad were fighting all the time! I hated listening to you argue…you don’t know how it made me feel!”
Her parents glanced at each other across the hospital bed. With tears in her eyes, her mother turned to her. “We will try never to argue so badly again, Serena….but you must promise not to cut yourself, ever again.”
“Only if you promise never to fight again.”
After another glance at her father, Serena’s mother nodded. “We promise.”[/i]
“Only if you promise never to fight again,” echoed Serena, as she fished through the papers in her drawer. Right under the thick stack of old homework assignments, was a knife. A common kitchen knife. Nothing fancy, not a shiny silver razor blade or anything.
“We promise.”
Another crash sounded. Her mother yelled again, but the words faded into the background. Serena bared her left wrist, and held the knife to her. She closed her eyes and gasped as the pain, delicious pain stung her wrist.
More yelling. Another stroke. Another crash. A deeper cut. Blood…pain, dizziness, noise. Serena slumped forward with her wrist held to her side. “You promised…” her last words.
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138,529 Literary Works • 672,150 Reviews
It is a good story,
but....
you could put a bit more feeling into it.
And the beginning is not very good you should look at it again.
But it's still a good story
MissyXx
You may want to go back and check out the memory. The [i ]' and '[/ i]' didn't quite work
Hearts always beat. It might do some good to say 'her hear beat faster' or 'her heart beat heavily in her cheat', you know, describe what it felt like.
I liked this last paragraph, how everything was happening so quickly. Although, I didn't like the last part. It seemed so cliche, so dramatic, like it has been written over and over.
Overall, I liked this, how you added a touch of memory so that we understand what's going on. It's haunting for a piece so short, but I found that the ending was verging on being cliche.
Hope this helped!
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT SORT OF CHEAP TRASH ARE YOU?” bellowed her dad.(liked the start)
She looked up from her desk and looked(to the) left at her reflection on the mirror. Long, silky, straight black hair; Clear, fair skin; Skinny frame in a black T-shirt and skinny jeans. Blue eyes colder than ice; deader than death(that's hardly a metaphor, is it?). Eyes of pain('eyes of pain' is a bad phrase). It had started again(I'd switch the 'again' and 'it had started').
“Don’t you call me cheap trash!” shouted her mother. There was a crash- There goes another piece of china.
“Another man? Just how many do you have? Do you have no sense of decency at all? You’re a married woman!”
Serena reached her (I'd say instead of 'her' 'with a') trembling hand to the last drawer on her desk. She drew it open, feeling her heart beat. They forgot, they completely forgot.
A memory flashed through her mind:
“Serena, why did you do it?” (I think a plain 'why' would have a greater impact)
“You and Dad were fighting all the time! I hated listening to you argue…you don’t know how it made me feel!”(this is kind of stupid of her, I mean- if her mom cheated on her dad, he had every right to be mad, you know)
Her parents glanced at each other across the hospital bed. With tears in her eyes, her mother turned to her. “We will try never to argue so badly again, Serena….but you must promise not to cut yourself, ever again.”(Her mom's speech is kind of antique)
“Only if you promise never to fight again.”(again, that's an unrealistic expectancy, sometimes couples fight)
After another glance at her father, Serena’s mother nodded. “We promise.”
“Only if you promise never to fight again,” echoed Serena, as she fished through the papers in her drawer. Right under the thick stack of old homework assignments, was a knife. A common kitchen knife. Nothing fancy, not a shiny silver razor blade or anything.(the 'nothing fancy...' is uncalled for- "A common kitchen knife' sums it pretty good)
“We promise.”
Another crash sounded, Her mother yelled again, but the words faded into the background. Serena bared her left wrist, and held the knife to her(maybe 'it'). She closed her eyes and gasped as the pain, delicious pain stung her wrist.(I think the real problem isn't the parents, it her.)
More yelling, Another stroke, Another crash. A deeper cut. Blood…pain, dizziness, noise. Serena slumped forward with her wrist held to her side. “You promised…”(were) her last words.
(you don't really die so quickly from a cut in the wrist)
Well it was nice, but had a flaw here and there.
You have to learn the use of the comma, really.
Aside from that it was great.