My dreams had come true. Everything that I wished for, and everything that I hoped for was right in front of my eyes.
The fame,the fortune,the sparkle and the music on the paper was staring back at me,almost asking me why I wasn't pleased with what I had accomplished. A whole room of audience was eagerly awaiting my start,for the first note to ring off the ivory keys and dissapear into the air.
I couldn't do it, I just couldn't betray my deceased father's trust.I kept on seeing his face in my mind,fighting for removing this demonic Balish religion.
Inwardly shaking with my self-denial, I tore off my cloak from my shoulders, and abruptly stood up from the midnight-black bench. Facing all of the dedicated fans from my kingdom my nervousness was gnawing on the inside of me,like a catipillar eating a leaf.
"I can't do it!" I shouted loudly enough so that most of the people could hear me.
Motioning with the flick of my wrist to my personal guards, they followed me down the aisle and into the back.
"Halia, do you know what cost there is to defy a request for the King's holy ceremony?" one of my bodyguards hissed into my ear. I looked around,making sure that noone was there, with prying ears.
"My loyalty remains with my father, who also stood up to the King, by changing his religion. I have to honor his memory, and continue
his line of bravery,starting with this generation. I know that I can't change others, but I can change myself."
"So be it." He looked at me pointedly,almost as if you say: you'll see what will happen.
I quickly carried my long skirts into my hands and put my woolen shawl onto my head.The footsteps of my bodyguard followed me. I had to go into the woods,on the edge of the palace estates and see Capo, my pet parrot. He was my only companion who actually understood me.
"Capo! Capo!" I called his name when I went into the woods. He sat there on a wooden branch, elevated high up from the ground.That's where I usually found him.
"Halia,Halia" he imitaded my voice with his own. I leaned over to him and fondly ruffled his feathers. It's like he could almost sense that I wasn't in the mood for the usual banter that we had.My father had got him for me, as a gift for my eighteenth birthday. As an only child, I was very lonely and isolated, even though there were numerous servants always hovering in and around the castle. Capo just sat there stoically, waiting for me to express my thoughts.
"Capo, something happened today."
Capo looked at me striaght in the eyes,intently almost, trying to appear to be interested.
"I was supposed to play the piano to the holy ceremony that the King had planned.He practices dark,evil religion, and what surprises me is that everyone in the kingdom just follows him, allowing him to manipulate thier heart beliefs. But when I sat down and looked around something hit me with a great force. If I was to take any part in this ceremony, I would be betraying my father and going against everything that he believed." Capo nodded thoughtfully and squaked couple of times, his way of communication that he knew what I was talking about.
"A strength was born within me, like a voice inside my head telling me that I couldn't do it. So I stood up to the King and everything that he believed in, going against him and the tide of the people. I got up and discreetly walked out."
"You made the right choice,Halia" squaked Capo.
I was so grateful that he assured me, because I knew that I had made the right choice. The wrath or displeasure of the king would come later, when I had figured out exactly what I believed in,whenever that would be.
"Let's take a walk,shall we?" I put my finger out and Capo perched on it. The peaceful bliss of the shaded woods soothed my thoughts and made my steps slow down. Without conscoiusnly thinking about it, I was led to a place that I visited very often. My father's grave. When I neared the cobbled marble stone, I put both hands on it, while Capo flew away onto an above-head branch.
"Daddy" my voice choked up with the familiar feel of the spoken name and emotion that it brought along.
"I shined for you today, you're the only opinion and person that matters in my eyes.I am determined to let your legacy live on."
I could almost imagine my daddy's big smile inviting me in , and providing a warmth and the safety that I need. Suddenly, I felt someone tap me back on my shoulder, and I was so startled, and I spinned around,and my hand flew to my mouth when I saw who this was.Claude.Why was he here? And more importantly, what did he want to do with me?
"Ah,so I see that we meet again" he said standing on his tiptoes trying to act taller than me. Of course, we both knew that he wasn't taller than me at all, just trying to act imposing, which didn't work, to my advantage, may I say.
"What do you want?" I leveled his gaze with my steely own. He slightly hesitated, rubbing his chin, trying to fool me that he was still deciding. I knew that he knew exactly what he wanted from me.This was just some fool's trick, one that I had seen too often in young men.
"I want to have your parrot, Capo. He would make a great companion for my long adventures and travels." He raised his eyebrows in amusment, knowing what I response would be. I first glanced around, and saw that one of my two bodyguards were eyeing us suspisciosly. I was isolted, rarely interacting with people,but when I did my bodyguards were always ready for my defense, for which I was glad indeed.
"Listen, Capo is the only person that knows me, and I treasure him more than anyone else. He is mine,only mine and of course I decline to your request to take him away from me. How dare you deprive a princess from her favorite pet?" I always reffered to Capo as a person, because for me, he was better, more honest,and more loyal than anyone else that I had ever met before, with the expection of my father. Capo turned his head and looked threathingly at Claude, giving him the look that meant: I want nothing to do with you.
That's how I felt too, I wanted nothing to do with Claude.I had to figure out why he came here. Before I could think, he grabbed me aside and whispered into my ear:
"Danger is very near."
End of chapter
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,553 Reviews
Hiya, Pretzel~! I'm here for that The Big Review review that's due. Let's get started.
Also, I have read the previous reviews, but I may reiterate points already mentioned if I can add onto them. Plus, they probably are/feel important.
First off, spacing :3 I know it's been mentioned, but it's important. Next, this line seems so ambiguous. What is the sparkle? What kind of fame is it? Fortune? From the rest of it, it seems like she already has fortune, so it's unnecessary that she would want it. And then the sentence suddenly takes a turn. She's talking about her hopes and dreams and accomplishing things and then the "almost asking me why I wasn't pleased" comes out of nowhere. What asks her? How? Music can't really ask things and it doesn't make sense how it would metaphorically. While this is a good start, it definitely needs some work to help give the meaning you intended and hint at the doubt Halia is facing.
Misspelling of caterpillar. Also, this simile is unnecessary and superfluous. (See what I did there?
PERSONAL GUARDS? She's famous, not royalty. Or at least, it doesn't seem like she is. If she were royalty, she wouldn't be so worried about standing up the King -- she is family -- or fame and fortune, as she would already have it. I know in Noelle's response you said she's related to the King (but she's not really the princess as she's not the daughter, but anyway...) but how would anyone who hasn't talked to you know that? Include in the story somehow. Make it make sense to us as to why she would have bodyguards through the story, not telling us outside ~ (Also, the underlined portion feels a little awkwardly worded. I suggest you play around with it some.)
Nothing about what she did was discreet. As Deanie mentioned. Just wanted to reiterate that.
So, I think this is a good way to lead into my next point. The word 'discreetly' is an adverb, as you know. Throughout this, there were quite a few of those, along with a lot of adjectives. Now, description is good, but sometimes you need stronger words to convey that description and tone instead of adjectives or adverbs. Use stronger nouns and verbs in place of those. Or even just cut the excessive descriptions. It can sometimes bog down the writing rather than adding to it. So be careful.
Expect the review to be scattered from here on out xD So, this has been marked as 'realistic' in the genre. This is not at all realistic, I'm sorry. It starts off so, but then gets less and less so. You pointed out to Noelle that the parrot is magically enhanced, which is not plausible in the real world. So, otherwise I would've started rambling about how parrots dont actually understand people and they only mimic what they hear, so saying something like that would be extremely unlikely.
Alright~ Next, there is a lot of mention about religion. Talking about how the King's is especially demonic and not good, which causes Halia to stand him up. All fine and dandy, but I feel rather lost. We're not told why it's demonic, why this ceremony is so terrible and why this makes her feel like she's betraying her father. So, we're missing a lot of explanations in this already fast paced chapter, as Noelle pointed out. In the walk to the forest, she could be lost in her thoughts, we could hear why this is wrong, how it triggered her guilt. There is so much we still need to know and it seems pretty important, even though it's thrown aside like it's not.
Spreading of fast paced, there is a lot happening in this chapter. Halia ditching the festival, her walking to the woods (which we have no idea how far away it is, how long it takes her, what she does, etc. etc.), she talks about her dead father and we meet Claude. Phew! I recommend slowing it a lot down and building upon what you've given us already. Make the threat of what she did real. What her consequences might be, what people might think of her. Go into more depth about it!
With more depth, you may want to explore the characters more, the bodyguards especially. They seem to appear and disappear as they are deemed relevant. For instance, the bodyguard tries to stop Halia, but then he instantly drops it without much else convincing. His dialogue seems there just for the sake that we learn what might happen because of what she did, not that he's genuinely trying to protect her, which is what you want. Then in the forest, they seem to disappear entirely in he sudden transition. Then appear once more when Claude comes? Keep it more consistent and develop them more.
Speaking of development, there is Claude. He's been mentioned before, I realize, but I don't think it's a matter of his development. More so his consistency. Which he lacks. When he first comes in, he seems so malicious, like he intends to hurt Halia in some way, shape or form. He seems devious and his tone seems snarky to me, arrogant. But then he instantly jumps to her side to warn her of danger. It seems like a tactic to build suspense, but it ruins the image we had for him and them confuses us. Work on making Claude a lot more consistent. Perhaps hint that he's trying to win her over. Have him less direct, etc.
Now that that's been handled, to the things I enjoyed. The concept is interesting to me. I'm genuinely curious and I want to know more. I will probably read on eventually, when I get the time, and I'm starting to see some development in Halia, which is wonderful. I am left wondering, though, why she ever accepted to do it. If she felt so guilty about it. And I'm also wondering if her piano skills will come into play later in, but I'll just have to see.
Hope I helped some, and if you need clarifying, don't be shy and PM me.
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfe
Hi there!
The first thing that jumped out to me was how fast paced this chapter was. Specifically, the opening scene. Actually, that's the only part I'm really talking about. Halia (awesome name by the way) is sitting at the piano in front of all these people and then she just stands up and announces that she won't do it and runs out. Then all of the sudden she's out in the woods. I would've liked to seen it slowed down a little bit with some information about the kingdom and what everything looked like. I was so focused on the MC that I didn't really think about it to begin with, but after looking back at it, there's definitely a bit of that missing.
I'm also wondering why she has bodyguards. Maybe I missed the explanation, but I don't remember reading anything that explains it. The fact that she even has them is a great hint at her social standing and role in this kingdom. Someone in her family, whether it was her father, mother, or just her, is in high standing and needs that protection. She's obviously a lot more important than it seems from the surface. I love it when writer's do that. It's a bit more complicated than just the showing vs. telling argument. It's, like, advanced telling. I have no idea how else to describe it... xD
This part of the chapter is just a retelling of something that already happened, thus becoming repetitive. I understand feeling the need to have Halia tell her parrot, but there are other ways to do it. One that I see most often, and personally think works best, is to summarize what she's telling him. In other words, say something like, "I told him everything that had happened at the ceremony, how I ran out and threw everything away to stay loyal to my father". That single sentence reminds us exactly what happened (in case we somehow forgot already xD) and still tells of the action of her telling the parrot what happened. It's the best of both worlds.
One quick thing about the parrot. Why does he live in the woods if he's her pet? I find that kind of odd. I mean, I could understand her wanting him to be free and not live in a cage, but then I'd think she'd just always leave the window open in her room or something. If he's just out in the woods, how would she know where to find him? I think it's a cool idea, it just could use a bit fine tweaking.
A tiny nitpick here,
I feel like this should be 'reassured' instead of 'assured'. Halia knew that she made the right choice, so she wasn't really looking for someone to tell her she had. What she was looking for was for someone to expel that little bit of doubt she might've had in her mind. That would be reassurance rather than assurance.
Overall I think this chapter is very well written. We're introduced to the main character, the conflict (maybe not the main one, but definitely a strong one), and a few other characters. Despite he lack of descriptions here, I think the writing is wonderful. You do a good job telling the story at the surface level and then really getting into what's behind it. I do hope you keep that up throughout the rest of the chapters. Especially with this being in first person, you have to really focus on the main character and her motives/thoughts/all that. You've done a good job with that here so I know you'll do awesome with it the rest of the novel
I really, really like the ending. I can understand why Deanie would say that Claude isn't quite as developed, but I'm going to go ahead and disagree with her. What is it that we know about Claude right now? Almost nothing. He comes in at the very end and is only here for a few paragraphs. We know that Halia isn't too fond of him, based on her reaction when she found out it was him, and that he seems to like to tease her, based on standing on his tip-toes to seem taller and saying things just to get a reaction out of her. Then at the end he leans in and whispers that danger is coming. That's such an intimate -- as in non-romantic intimacy -- action. There's obviously something more to this relationship than it seems. With this short scene here, I think you left a lot open to explore that relationship in the next chapter. That's when we'll start seeing the real Claude and get to know him better. It takes time and you've started it off quite well.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thaaank you Noelle for writing this review <3. To explain your question about the bodyguards, Halia is the niece of the King, so naturally she is in high rank.(and of course her uncle can afford all of this).
Yeah, I know about that Capo thing that it was kind of repetitive,so I will probably do as you say and just cut out that part and try to sum it up in one sentence.
Capo the parrot flies in the food all day, and then has a personal caged closure on Halia's balcony where he spends the night. But of course,he actually always comes back to his beloved owner by himself.
Claude is one of the MC, this is why I introduced him here, and don't worry, he will be much more developed, like a lot
Again,thaaank you so much for the review and I think that you will be surprised at the content of the next chapter
Hi Pretzel!
I did say I would try to be here today, and here I am! Of course I wanted to try and read this as soon as you tagged me because I know you have been following two of my novels consistently. Thank you <3 I thought that this eas a pretty good beginning to a novel. I liked the idea of you introducing us to the inner and outer conflict straight away. We can see that things aren't going too well between her and Claude, and I get that he is the one running this country which isn't good news for her, even if she is a princess she still ends up below him. And as well as that there is the inner conflict of wanting to save her people from this lord and listening to what he wants when she knows the people would be better without him. What I liked in this chapter had to be how you laid out the beginning of the story for us and the descriptions you gave us with the objects she came into contact with when onstage.
There were a few spelling mistakes in this chapter but I decided not to focus on the nitpicks here. I also think you need to remember that there needs to be a space after each and every comma, but that is something easily fixed so I shall not dwell on it.
One of the main problems I had with this chapter was that I could not comprehend how the parrot was able to be so human-like. Parrots are simply supposed to repeat what humans say, so the parrot telling her it isn't her fault and things like that should not be possible. I know you are trying to make an animal a friend to her but you'd have to give some sort of explanation as to how the parrot is able to do this. I would be expecting something along the lines of saying that the parrot was unusual, magic (if this is that kind of story) or really does have a bizarre amount of knowledge/was scientifically altered. Because the way it is acting is not normal.
I feel very strongly when it comes to the first sentence of this novel. I feel like all novels need to have an opening line that will draw the reader in at the beginning and make them curious about the novel and what should happen next. Although having the first line be about her dreams coming true makes us wonder what her dreams are, I would think that 'Everything I hoped for was right in front of my eyes' would be a bit more intriguing. Also, later in the story you never tell us exactly what her dream come true is. Is it playing in front of a large audience, preforming her own music or what exactly? It's a line of thought you begin and don't entirely seem to finish.
This was an alright sentence, just awkwardly phrased. I would suggest: A room full of audience was eagerly...
The switch to this tone of her being unable to do what she was set out to do was a bit sudden and abrupt. To make it run smoother in the chapter I would have a 'but' or 'however' in front of this sentence to signal the contradiction that is about to come.
Now this was a part where I think we need a bit more information. All I can imagine is that he wasn't for the religion she is currently supporting. But what I wanted to know was what other religion he supported, if any. I wanted to be able to see his face in his mind, wanted to hear the words he said that so clearly stated he didn't believe in this religion. I know we just dived into the story, and I am not entirely sure about this so you might want to get a second opinion, but I think now would be a good enough time to include a flashback. I want to be able to feel the emotion of her dead family member condemning whatever she is doing now. It will put a whole lot more strength into the moment she makes her decision.
Hm, what I felt like was missing from this moment was the audience's reaction. I wanted to know what they did once they saw her standing against things like this. Did they act shocked and stare at her in horror? Did the murmur discontentedly and think about what they are doing, and maybe realise they could too object to if they really wanted to? I feel like the impact she makes now could either be big or small, depending on what you think.
From you just described - her shouting that she can't do it and marching off the stage in front of everyone - I wouldn't call it a discrete exit. Which is why I don't think this sentence should really be there.
Doing a little bit of nitpicking here... Instead of 'own' at the end of the first sentence it should really be one. And the third and fourth word in the second sentence should swap places.
I felt like Claude's character could've been a lot more developed. He didn't make a lasting impression on me and that is what he needs to have because he is being painted as the bad guy here. A good idea would be to describe his appearance before he speaks: what he looks like, what he is wearing and what his rank is. Then have him speak, and have him command presence as well. Tell us the small details. Does he seem at ease in the forest? Is he bothered by the guards being there at all? Those hints can show us more about his personality.
The last thing I want to mention is that when she stands against the lord by saying no to playing the music, shouldn't she be running now instead of taking walks? She has defied the leader and you make it seem like the punishment for that should be severe. So I feel like she should be disguising herself and running away instead of taking leisurely strolls and acting like there is no reprimand for what she has done. There should be one as well, so I hope it does come into play soon!
That's all I have to say! It was a good beginning, and really, I would read anything written by you <3 Make sure you post again soon and keep me updated with what is happening!
Deanie x
Thaaaank you so much for your review! I knew something was missing, and now you pointed out that it's the audiences reaction. I will try to work that in. Capo,the parrot, is magically enchanted by Halia. Halia practices magic(which will be introduced in the next chapter) but light(good) magic not dark magic(like everyone else does). Claude will be one of MC in this novel,and he isn't the King. The uncle is, but Claude and Halia have a history which will be revealed through flashbacks throughout this whole novel. A flashback of the father in this chapter is a very good idea, one that I might consider. Again,thanks so much for this awesome review and I will tag you when I post the next chapters(but first I have to write it
)
Oh also btw, the reason that I don't really describe the castle at all, is being, like you indicated, she is going to "run" away from it, as the next posted chapter suggests. So really she won't ever spend a night there in that castle because she will always be on the run.
Oh also btw, the reason that I don't really describe the castle at all, is being, like you indicated, she is going to "run" away from it, as the next posted chapter suggests. So really she won't ever spend a night there in that castle because she will always be on the run.
Did I ever review your work before? I guess I never got an honor to do so. I am here to review it and stick with this novel of your until you complete it.
Please note that whatever I say, in this review, is my personal opinion and you have the total right to completely ignore it. Whatever I am about to say is all what I think
and nobody cares what I think XDI don't really say this in the beginning of my reviews but I have to say that this is amazing! Brilliantly written with minimal mistakes. This was just something, Pretz!
Let's talk about a few nitpicks before moving on to anything else.
You need a space after every comma you put there. Something like this:
"The fame, the fortune, the sparkle and the music..."
Got it? Now, please do this with all the commas and the periods. I can see you didn't do this in most of the places.
No need for the comma. It's not required there and it also makes the sentence grammatically wrong.
No one. A space between these two words.
Nothing wrong with this! Just wanted to say that this sentence is amazing. Well said!!! By the way, do you know who said that? Rumi did.
The comma placement is incorrect. Try it something like this:
"I had to go into the woods on the edge of the palace estates to see Capo, my pet parrot."
A comma will make this sentence look great. It sounds a little confused (Say it out loud and you'll find the mistake too). If I were you, I would have done this:
"But when I sat down, and looked around, something hit me with a great force."
Makes more sense? I hope it does.
A semicolon would work just fine instead of our beloved comma.
A little too many periods, I guess? Remove that period which is illegally resting between "was" and "Claude".
It sounds like the guy is saying this to Capo. Removing the comma would be helpful and make the sentence clearer.
A semicolon here!
Very neat and amazing. I have to admit the plot was superb. The way you described everything was good. One thing! I want you to tell us more about Halia and Capo; the way they look and stuff. That'd make it easier for me to picture them.
Overall, I give it a 10/10. I can't wait to read the next chapter. Do let me know when you publish the next chapter. Keep writing and you can always ask me if you feel like I can help you in any way possible. It would be an honor!
That ending is ominous. It leaves just enough room to wonder if he was acting and warning her of something someone else was about to do, or if he was saying the threat was him. I like how you made the parrot unusually smart too, and have a human like personality. I'm not sure if the comment about a princess was the character referring to herself though, perhaps you might want to elaborate more on that.
So the guy threatening her, or making it seem like he is anyway. He is one of her bodyguards? Some bodyguard that is. It was well written, which made it a wonder if he is the threat or saying the king already caught up to her.
This story was really good and I look forward to it, and your next chapters. I would love a notification when you public them.
Aww thanks! To clarify a little bit here Halia is the King's niece meaning that the King is her uncle and that kind of makes her a princess. The guy isn't one of her bodyguards but this old aquiantance. I am not that she yet and Claude and what exact relation he has with Halia. I guess i will just have to figure that out as we go along. I will definitively keep you later when I post future chapters. Thanks!
Hmm....This seems like a promising story. It has a good kick-start to it, and you seem to have introduced the foundation of an interesting plot. I like the relationship that you illustrated between the girl and her parrot. You can always write a special relationship between a person and their pet(s).
Now, with these being said, there are several things that I would like to point out. For one thing, there are several typos in this piece, which, forgive me, but it doesn't show me that you took much necessary time with this piece. It's almost like you just jotted down a bunch of ideas and posted it right away. So the first thing you should do here is proofread it. Now moving on from that, I would like have seen more of this palace, because you just mentioned the character walking through a palace and in the very next paragraph she seemed to have teleported into the woods. It's a first chapter and we like to get a feel for the surroundings. You don't have to describe the palace down to the last mahogany door, but at least give us an idea of what the character is going through as she gets from point A to point B. Overall, just go back and revise this piece, and don't be afraid to take some time and let your imagination run wild. I'd rather a reviewer complain about too much description rather than not enough.
Halia isn't inside the palace,this ritual takes place outside on the courtyard. Capo and Halia will be best buddies throughout this whole novel
I will work that in throughout the whole novel. I actually wrote this some time ago(like a month ago?) and I have tried proofreadib through it a bit,but I will watch out and try to catch the typos. Thank you for your review and I hope that you might just read some more.