Flames Eating Waves- Chapter 1

Hi Pretzel, Megrim here for the Big Review! I've seen you around so much I'm excited to actually review you for a change. And this sub is so recent, and has no reviews, so it seemed perfect! I was a little wary about tearing up something that you're probably still in the process of writing, because I know how easy it is to have your momentum thrown off, but the Burning Caves has lots of review already so that didn't seem fair. We'll see how we go!

First impressions, the chapter seemed a little meandering. I didn't feel like it had a strong beginning, middle, and end arc. The main message seemed to be about introducing the conflict between the religions, and at the end giving the MC her quest. As a scene in and of itself, if felt a little lacking, like it didn't have a good reason for these events other than that The Plot requires they happen. I've heard a scene described as a 'unit of tension' and I think that's a good definition to keep in mind.

So on to the line by line thoughts...

The wind was calling my name, almost as if the gods wanted me to hear their whispering. The whole kingdom was staring up at me, waiting expectantly to pluck the first key.
“Nooo!”

The first sentence is nice and poetic, but on the whole, this opening felt disjointed to me, especially since the second sentence doesn't really follow up on that thought. Then the "Nooo!" comes out of nowhere, and I really just don't know what to picture for any of it. As a reader, I'm looking for a time, place, character, atmosphere/setting/tone in the first two paragraphs, and this didn't really give me that. I would recommend some more specifics. Instead of putting the "no" in dialogue, how about a description of what the voice sounds like? Male or female? Near or far? Coming from an onlooking crowd, or off in the trees, or what? That way you could slip in some setting at the same time.

I'll also mention that I don't understand what is meant by plucking the first key. That confused me when I saw it, then more so when there wasn't an obvious explanation in the following paragraphs. We got distracted by the "no" and went on to talk about that instead, so I still am very unclear on the whole situation. There's a congregation, and something the MC can't do, but on the whole, what am I supposed to be imagining? Where is this happening?

I'd recommend watching out for "to be" verbs. Was's and were's are pretty bland, and I'm always saying how verbs are one of our strongest descriptive tools, so I try to find a more vivid alternative if possible. There are three sentences in the first 2-ish paragraphs structured around a "was." If nothing else, it may be worth varying it just for the sake of changing up the sentence structure.

After some mindful deliberation, I was certain that the gods were completely against my blasphemy.

I'm not sure how to categorise this. My gut was to say it's overwriting, but maybe it's also a matter of telling rather than showing. We don't get to see any of the train of thought leading to that conclusion. Normally I wouldn't say we NEED to see trains of thought, but here, I think it would fill in some crucial worldbuilding gaps. What gods? What blasphemy? Is it related to what she's doing this exact moment, or something she's feeling guilty about from yesterday or last week?

I would also say that "mindful deliberation" is purple prose--overly flowery and ornate for what it's trying to say. I noticed that a few times, so I think I'll wait for a better example before saying any more.

With a heavy sigh, I stood up from the wooden chair, my polished black boots creaking down the stairs.

Be careful with -ing verbs. They indicate simultaneous action. Here, it's saying the boots creaked on the stairs AS she got up from the chair. Unless the chair is on the stairs, that doesn't make sense.

I stood, face-to-face with the whole congregation, and shouted, loud enough so that everyone could hear:
“I can’t!”

Just to reiterate, I have no idea what's going on here and don't really understand this scene. Can't what? This is the first mention of a congregation. Does that mean we're in a church? And then, in the next para, instead of answering any of those questions, there's an abrupt location change to a secret garden. So I never got the chance to find out where we were for that little opening bit.

My favorite place on the whole island, so extraordinary with flowers in bloom, of all rainbows of colors. There were classic red roses, and beautiful violets, lilies, and dandelions finished off the nature-built landscape.

When I took it slow and analysed these sentences, they didn't seem wrong, but I thought you should know they sounded a bit funny to me on a first (or quick second) read. Something about the rhythm makes them seem grammatically strange.

until he was gasped

Huh? "Out of breath" is probably sufficient. But either way, that sounds strange for a bird. Birds don't get out of breath, at least not in the way a panting dog would. And spiraling down is a passive action anyway, so what exertion made him out of breath? Honestly my first reaction was to assume he's sick or sickly. Perhaps a rephrase? And as a side note, I'm not sure how to imagine a bird giving a crooked smile. They have no facial muscles. What are you picturing when you think of a bird giving a crooked smile? A partially open beak?

“Halia!Halia!Halia!”

I'd put spaces between these.

if he muted

It seems like occasionally you use odd verb choices. Normally I would think of muted as an adjective, but I suppose it's a verb sometimes, as in when someone mutes something--in which case I expect there to be an object for the verb. My gut here is that this is probably purple prose again, trying to be overly poetic with the language. To me, it distracts from what you're trying to say. Later on in this paragraph, you say she "deducted" what he wanted to say, which similarly stands out to me.

When you use overly flowery or overly dramatic language, it takes me out of the story a bit. Instead of seamlessly flowing from one sentence to the next, imagining this scene like a movie in my head, I end up pausing to look at the actual words you're using. I'm getting distracted by the prose, instead of the prose being an "invisible" gateway to the story.

He was waiting, waiting for something, and I needed to find out what.

If the repetition here is intentional, it didn't work for me. Same for "Simple easy, quite easy..."

Using my magical brain power,

Okay this one made me laugh a little. I assume this story wants to be taken seriously, in which case I would suggest finding a cooler term for this--or at least something a little subtler. "Brain" isn't really a word that looks natural in fantasy, imo. And "magical" to me has connotations of wide-eyed wonder, as opposed to a strictly descriptive term (like "monstrous" as opposed to "big", maybe)

I sigh
...
the guards step away, leaving me
...
This is our favorite tree

The tense slipped around a bit, particularly in this paragraph. It started out in past tense, but there are snippets of present tense here and there.

I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t blab to Capo when I still haven’t made my daily visit to my father's grave, just alongside of the riverbanks.

Here is another place where I was confused about what's going on, exactly. I gather Capo wants to know about the day, and she can't bring herself to talk about it. I wonder if this section could be made any clearer?

At the thought of my deceased father, droplets of tears welled up inside my eyes.
...
The calming side of the white water helped me to stop shaking, if just for a moment.
...
My head was in my knees, as I cried out to the gods of the stars to help me overcome my grief and fear.

I've heard writing advice that says it's not a good idea to have your character cry in the first few chapters, and I tend to agree. There are a few reasons for this. One is simply that if THEY are allowed the emotional release, the reader doesn't need to feel "for" them. Another is that it's so soon, it's hard to be emotionally invested in what's going on. I end up as a passive observer, kind of "Okay, she's sad now," rather than really feeling sad myself. Like, if a character has spent a whole book being stoic and strong, it means so much more when you finally see them break down. And if you've been following along the plot, you're probably upset too because you've seen what happened. In this situation, we don't get any of that. We haven't seen what she's lost, haven't been with her through the happiness and the grief, and don't know her very well. For all I know, she could cry at the drop of a hat, and this episode means no more or less than the ten other times she's cried today.

“Pretend that you are talking to daddy. Pretend that you are talking to daddy. Pretend that you are talking to daddy.” Capo softly spoke into my ear.

To avoid the repetition, personally I would say it once, and then maybe say in the narrative that he repeated it over and over.

So I told him, of all the things that I had done today; for all the things that happened, that I think that my daddy would be proud of.

I feel a little left out. What things? I don't know what's happened today. I don't quite understand what she's talking about.

Someone touched my shoulder, and I felt physically electrifying.

"Physically electrifying" doesn't make sense to me.

My glare was noticeable, and the tension between us escalated.

In this area, I felt the emotions were told a lot more than shown. Her anger/embarassment train of thought, and here especially. Maybe think about body language and visceral reactions? What might she do, say, and feel physically when she feels these things? I like to try and leave the actual labels of emotions unsaid, and make the reader read between the lines.

I opened the note and immediately gasped!

I've heard it said that putting an exclamation point in the narrative is like laughing at your own joke. I also don't think the "immediately" is needed here.

“This kingdom will be in ruins, because of the new religion that is being practiced. Everyone will rot, without no escape until the idea of religion is utterly destroyed, and thrown off the world. Everyone’s life will return to normal, but then there will be no argument or discontent about it. You are a servant, and you must find a servant to go and fullfill our purpose . This is their destiny, to stop fate from happening. Here are the instructions for your traveler:

Here is where things really get interesting. For the first time, I understand what's going on, I'm on board, and I'm excited. There's conflict here, where there hasn't been so much up to now. I'm not quite clear on the servant bit, and maybe a bit fuzzy on why there will be no argument or discontent, but everything else is quite engaging.

Go to the Creek Island, and find an elderly man by the name of Alberstein, and he
will give you a goblet.

Ah, the McGuffin.

Closing Comments:
Technique: There wasn't any one thing that really stood out to me, but there were a fair few little things. Some purple prose, some telling, some awkward phrasings. The biggest issue I had was not understanding what's happening, and I think that's because of the descriptions being a touch too sparse; I felt like a lot was left out, and I wasn't always able to fill in the gaps using context.

Oh and I will mention watch out for "to be" verbs. Try doing a ctrl-F for "was" and see how many you find!

Setting: I didn't get much of a sense of setting. There was a mention of an island, and there was the description of the gardens. I think these things could be brought out more, maybe little hints here and there throughout the chapter.

Plot: To me, the plot started at the very end, when we're told about the McGuffin. Before that, there wasn't a lot of... sense of purpose? Forward momentum? I felt like I was waiting to see where this would go. As far as what's up next, I'm interested to see what happens with Claude. What kind of guy is he, how well will they get along? I think that's my biggest interest right now.

Character: The MC is clearly someone important, with people serving her, looking to her, and protecting her (and being addressed as Princess ). She's dealing with the loss of her father, and has a special bond with her parrot. I don't feel I know her super well, but there's a good start here.

Alrighty that's all for now! Good luck with LMS!! I hope we get to see ch 2 soon. Thanks for sharing and happy writing!