Hello, friend!
A slightly belated welcome to YWS!! I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out!
Per my interpretation, this was an interesting start to a novel... while some parts were a little weak and a bit confusing, the overall plot seemed to be a good one, and something that I'm looking forward to!
Brief Summary:
This was quite an interesting plot that I'm looking forward to exploring!!
If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be in relation to your punctuation. There were several parts where there were run-on sentences or it was a little difficult to understand what was going on due to a lack of commas or other punctuation marks.
For example, in the beginning, when they were trying to give a message to the princess about the Earth Kingdom, there was a simple run-on sentence. You said,
"Your highness! Where's the princess? This is important news she must know. It's about the Earth Kingdom they are in desperate need of the princess to be there."
The bolded section is a sentence that can stand on its own and that, without any sort of punctuation following it, is a run-on sentence. You could add a period after the bolded section, or you could add a semicolon, which is a way to connect two sentences that have common ideas. It would look like this:
"Your highness! Where's the princess? This is important news she must know. It's about the Earth Kingdom; they are in desperate need of the princess to be there."
This is a common problem in your writing that could be revised...
But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.
If I had to pick my favorite part, it would absolutely be the ending! I really liked the way one of the last sentences set the reader off in an unknown direction, foreshadowing something that might happen in the future. It's a great way to draw a reader in and keep them coming back for more!! You said,
Though you just had some feeling that something else might happen in the meantime.
This was an awesome sentence that really seemed to catch my eye! What might happen? What's the feeling we're experiencing? I'm not too sure, but I do like it! This was a great way to keep a reader interested; we all always want answers, so we'll always keep coming back! Good job there!!
I also genuinely enjoy the way this chapter is formatted!! I love the use of second-person omniscient, as it's not something commonly used in writing, but it's such an interesting and wonderful perspective! I always wished I saw more of it in writing, so kudos to you for being the one to do it!
Overall, this wasn't the strongest start to a novel, but there were many fantastic aspects that make me excited to see more! Keep doing what you're doing while also implementing some more strict punctuation rules, and this novel will be an excellent one!!
Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!
Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!
Points: 39462
Reviews: 151
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