Published June 22, 2005
Is THIS better?
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141,436 Literary Works • 674,415 Reviews
Yeah ... what both of them said. I see all that, and I can't even force myself to read it. I don't know ... it just looks like a lot and I should seriously be researching Argentina right now ... so I'll probably come back to this. I read the first paragraph. Little bit more pacing would help, like Rei said, and I saw a tense change in there.
PS. If you really don't know, and it's not just the character not knowing, your cousins children are your first cousins once removed. I have two first cousins once removed, that's how I know.
Yeah, could you make it bigger? I can't see it...
Not a good idea to post so much all at once. When a lot of people see this much, it tends to turn them off. I'll try to crit more later, but what I can tell you now about your opening paragraphs is that you're throwing quite a bit of information at us all at once. Slow down. Show us through imgaes, body language, sounds, actions, and dialogue scenes that this is who your character is, this is how she feels, and this the situation she's in. Intersperse exposition with action, and only give it to us as it becomes relavent. That makes it more interesting, and will give the reader more reasons to want to continue reading to learn more. When I read, even if the writer's style is mediocre, they tend to keep me interested because I'm curious.