My dear, my love, my soldier
Is gonna travel
To protect our land,
To the edge of the world—
‘The snow abode.’
Where the summers are cold and harsh.
When the sun goes behind the peaks,
The wind will freeze his blood.
The stars hang sleepless all nights,
Like the musk deer with long canines.
Then, the grey Asian elephant herds—
Masked by the soil, with curved tusks,
And muscled trunks to tear off
Branches from the strongest trees,
May come upon his path.
And the enemies across broken terrains,
Will ambush like the snow leopard
leaps over the flock of blue sheep.
The soil is thin and rocky,
And the boulders are sharp like wedge,
Good enough to pierce the leather,
and cut his skin.
All these scare me to death,
I pray all day and night
For his safe return—
Hale and Hearty!
But he smiles and says
“It’s you, I protect.
And those (people), they are like you,
Pure in heart”
And waves his long arms.
His scent around has disappeared
In hours, after he left,
But, I can still feel
His last kiss on my lips.
That will last for months.
P.S: The Sanskrit word 'Himalayas' means 'snow' (Hima) 'abode' (alayas)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hiya! Here to fulfill your WRFF Request!
So, usually I'm not a fan of these longing "oh my husband has gone off to war" types of things, but this one was actually executed quite well, in my opinion.
I think the biggest thing that bothered me was your use of "can" in several places. Not only is it awkward phrasing, but it's a bit weak purpose-wise. I would suggest changing them to will or could or some other word that works.
You only use the bothersome can four times:
This final one seems to have something else wrong with it. Look over it a little more carefully and maybe you can figure it out.
There's another time you use can in here, but it's actually used right. However, the final line doesn't mesh with it well:
See, the last line is a different tense than the rest of your poem. I would change "would last" to "lasts" or "will last."
A little thing that you don't have to worry about if it was intentional: Not all poems have to be capitalized every line. Just so you know. some use no capitalization, and I personally like to just capitalize where grammar calls for it (like after periods). But it's totally up to you.
Something else I don't really like in regards to content:
This seems a bit over-dramatic to me, and I don't like the self-proclaimed weakling character. It makes me dislike the narrator far more than I care to admit. The "Oh!" is pretty cliche too. Also "bore" should be "bear" if you want to keep in the same tense. I think the poem would be better if you just took out these lines. The fact that s/he's praying for the man shows his/her worry.
"hefty arms" made me snort indelicately. You don't have to keep telling us that he's strong. The reader can figure that out themselves. Military men are usually strong.
I like your animals and imagery. Good job with that.
Let me know if you have any questions! I hope this helped!
~fortis
Thank you for your review
I will fix those errors
Hello there Prakash,
Like Rose said before me, this is exceptional. I can't critique any of the content. I really can't. All I can say is that this topic will relate to so many people in the manner of a soldier, but so many more in the manner of a loved one long gone or absent. You truly capture the feeling of longing and the pain of absence, and it shows in the way the reader perceives it. You will do will here, YWS will like you.
The only thing I can think to say is that you don't need to put Himalayas in there. Even if we didn't discover where he was by process of elimination, some of the beauty of poetry is through the enigmatic mystery and uniqueness- since no reader will read it the same way.
I can't help you further than this. I loved this piece. It's real. It's raw. It's honest. There is no lie in the way you write. Thank you for submitting it, poetry takes courage to show to others.
Keep it up,
- Renn
Thanks for the positive review. Yeah, as you said, the word 'Himalayas' in bracket interrupt the flow. I think I add it as post script. Thanks again
Of course! My pleasure.
It is good you took the time to put in animal species. Also, it was cool how you compared the people in the military to strong animals. It was nice that you called the people the man fights for pure in heart. Some people can not understand that the military has it's uses, like protecting people. Praying can really help him. She should KEEP praying for his safety.
Thanks for reading. I must admit that the ancient Tamil literature called 'Akananuru' inspired me to write this poem.
Dear Prakash,
EccentricRose is here to review your beautiful work. : )
The title was very captivating and personal. I'm a sucker for soldier stories so it caught my attention immediately.
The meaning of this poem is a reality to many and that's what I love about it. The way you speak about the dangers soldiers go through to protect us....and the ending tied in very nicely. A cherished kiss that was pure and beautiful. One kiss of true love can last longer than any other, even though it only lasted a few seconds in real life.
Thank you for submitting this. It's not often I see something that portrays the true struggles in life without the unnecessary drama but instead shows the sad reality.
I'm sorry I couldn't have been of more help....but be sure to keep on writing!
~Rose
Thank you for your positive review
I am happy you liked it
Your welcome! It was very good. : )