Hiya! Here to fulfill your WRFF Request!
So, usually I'm not a fan of these longing "oh my husband has gone off to war" types of things, but this one was actually executed quite well, in my opinion.
I think the biggest thing that bothered me was your use of "can" in several places. Not only is it awkward phrasing, but it's a bit weak purpose-wise. I would suggest changing them to will or could or some other word that works.
You only use the bothersome can four times:
The wind can freeze his blood.
Can come upon his path.
And the enemies can ambush,
And the boulders are sharp like wedge,
Can pierce the leather and cut his skin.
This final one seems to have something else wrong with it. Look over it a little more carefully and maybe you can figure it out.
There's another time you use can in here, but it's actually used right. However, the final line doesn't mesh with it well:
But, I can still feel
His last kiss on my lips.
That would last for months.
See, the last line is a different tense than the rest of your poem. I would change "would last" to "lasts" or "will last."
A little thing that you don't have to worry about if it was intentional: Not all poems have to be capitalized every line. Just so you know. some use no capitalization, and I personally like to just capitalize where grammar calls for it (like after periods). But it's totally up to you.
Something else I don't really like in regards to content:
Oh! All these scare me to death,
As the weakest heart I bore.
This seems a bit over-dramatic to me, and I don't like the self-proclaimed weakling character. It makes me dislike the narrator far more than I care to admit. The "Oh!" is pretty cliche too. Also "bore" should be "bear" if you want to keep in the same tense. I think the poem would be better if you just took out these lines. The fact that s/he's praying for the man shows his/her worry.
"hefty arms" made me snort indelicately. You don't have to keep telling us that he's strong. The reader can figure that out themselves. Military men are usually strong.
I like your animals and imagery. Good job with that.
Let me know if you have any questions! I hope this helped!
~fortis
I will fix those errors
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