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Her Last Dream

by Prakash


%% I tried my hand at writing free verses for a time %%

I had a dream of him—

We were living together;

But separated by miles.


Each day,

I was able to look

At his broad smile;

Every day,

I was looking at

My lone face in the mirror.


I was waiting in the evening

At the door,

For his return;

I was waiting on my deathbed,

for a miracle

To see him again.


It was a new beginning;

It never ended.

It was only a dream;

It would always remain as a dream.


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Sun Jul 26, 2015 12:57 pm
Shubham wrote a review...



As a final thought, this was an okay poem. One thing I wasn't fond of was how you talked about beauty in the end, because that was mighty predictable. It left the poem off with a tame needing that just didn't hit my heartstrings. It didn't have the strongest ending, which dampens the poem quite a bit. It wasn't a bad poem, but it could be better since it has quite a bit of potential and sorry for two blank comments. It just happen due to bad network connection.




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Tue Jul 07, 2015 9:55 am
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ReflectiveWizard says...



It's beautiful




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Sun Jul 05, 2015 5:36 pm
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myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey Prakash,
Myjaspercat here for a review for you...

I want to begin with a little bit of advice. I noticed that you have a little issue with the formatting of the poem, (and I don't really know if it is intentional or not but I am going to point it out anyway). What I am getting at is the space between each line in the stanzas and the extra space in-between stanzas. To eliminate that and make it look like how it is below, you need to 'shift-enter' instead of just hitting 'enter'. Now if you already knew that and you think I was out of place saying this, then I am sorry; I just wanted to help. Anyway, on with the review...

I had a dream of him—
We were living together;
We were separated by miles. the repetition of 'we were' just bogs down the poem. My suggestion for this poem, based on what I interpret from the feeling would to use the word 'but' instead.

Each day,
I was able to look
At his broad smile;
Each day, Here is another example of where the repetition bogs down the plot, though here I do feel like it is a necessary thing. Just make sure that you find those words that don't feel to over whelming.
I was looking at
My lone face in the mirror.

I do like this stanza though. The idea that you, the narrator, can see him one second and then the next he isn't there is a very interesting thought. It kind of feels like you want him to be there but he truly is not. In fact I kind of wrote a poem like that myself, if you want to check it out it's call 'Is this truly love' (You don't have to, but it's just a thought to see others ways of writing similar ideas). Any-who, like I said, I really like this concept; now enough with my rambling.

I was waiting in the evening
At the door,
For his return;
I was waiting for a miracle,
On deathbed,
To bring him back.
Ok, so the italicized lines don't make much sense to me. I cant really see what you are trying to get at, and that is a bad thing. My suggestion is very simple, make it easier to understand.

It was a new beginning;
It never ended.
It was only a dream;
It would always remain as a dream. I don't particularly like this stanza. It seems to simple and boring compared to what you have written before. I would like something with more of a bang for the ending of your entire poem.


Ok, so overall I did like the idea of your poem, I thought it to be very interesting and I think that you could do a lot with it. Also for a free verse poem, (Is this your first free verse?) I think you did very well. Though I do have some suggestions...

For one I feel like you could be more descriptive. I want to know more on what this man looks like, what you truly see when you look at him. I want to know what you really saw when you looked in the mirror and saw yourself. Do you see where I am getting at? Elaborate more, give your reader something to really sink there teeth into.

The second, and last thing which ties in with the first, is that you need to make this just a little bit longer. I wont say anything else, since it does tie in with point one, but just drag this out a little more.

Anyways, I hope I helped and if you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing ---Myjaspercat.
----------------
"I fell for you unexpectedly, but now I plan to be with you forever." --Unknown




Prakash says...


Thank you for your review :) Yeah, this is my first free verse. And thanks for your suggestions. It would definitely hone my writings :)



myjaspercat says...


your welcome. And its nice that you are starting to write free verse, I personally prefer it since it lets me have more freedom, I think you'll like it.



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Sun Jul 05, 2015 8:20 am
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sagnik wrote a review...



This is a very good romantic melancholic poem. i like the way u used rhyme at some points of the poem. i myself had written many poem on love and separation. I like the intense dramatic mood you brought in the poem at point where u wait in deathbed ,wait at door and wish if he returned.then the feeling that with him living together,his coming back broadly smiling is just a mere dream. i like the poem alot. keep writing such poems.




Prakash says...


Thank you for the review:)




A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown