The time won’t give our old days back
at any cost,
only the memories, it left at will
to cherish or forget.
As a kid, I always dreamt of
running behind a scud of clouds,
But I chose the butterflies instead—
its wings were more colorful.
Painting the broken reflection of sky
on a serene lake was my wish,
but all I sketched was the random beard
and mustache in pictures in textbooks.
The exams were ever nightmares,
and the home-works were boredom.
But I wasn’t the only one to think so.
My friends got punished with me.
I used to keep watching the clock.
The gears in it seemed to run fast.
But the sun hung up always on the top.
Waiting for the last bell to ring.
I like Justice League, Scooby-Doo and more…
who could miss those TV shows at nights?
But I loved the powerless and starry night,
and the spicy candlelight dinner with my family.
I always wanted my mother beside me,
and would never leave my father’s hand.
But I left my home alone one day,
to chase the clouds and paint my masterpiece.
Into the wilderness,
I lost my way back home.
No longer was my home visible—
it disappeared below the horizon.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, Prakash. I'll be going through this by stanza, if you don't mind!
I like this personification of time. It's much subtler and meaningful than other personifications I've seen, and the writing works as well. Already, I can hear the narrator's regret seeping through the poem, and imagine his/her sorrows. One bit for me that doesn't really work is "at any cost". I think that'd be better as "for any fee".
I'm confused about the meaning of "scud" here. Also, "its" should be "their".
This stanza seems awkward and inconsequential. The first two lines are nice, but they don't really say much about the author. The second two are just strange and not very productive towards the message of the poem. I would continue on the path of the first, maybe removing "random" and using "doodling", or another, simpler word. Remember, simpler doesn't mean worse.
This stanza is, in my opinion, un-engaging and unproductive. It doesn't tell us much about the narrator, it feel strange to read, and I didn't enjoy it overall. In fact, I'd remove it altogether.
I do like this stanza, and establishing time in this poem is key. We begin with the concept of lost time, and we "watch" that time tick away throughout the poem. This really establishes the reader as a part of the narrative, and I think it was an excellent decision on your part. Please, continue doing things like this.
The branding here seems unnecessary. I'd just say something simpler, not mentioning any shows by name, but just hinting at this form of entertainment. Or, if you're going to, give us a specific image of those TV shows and the way they relate to the story.
Excellent, excellent supporting stanza.
I like this poem overall, but I feel like it has more potential. One way to make it more engaging would be to establish clear images, replacing the abstract concepts.
Thank you for sharing and don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
Well this is kind of sad, but it made me wonder what the narrator was going through. Considering he said in the beginning of the poem the things he traded over what he wanted. Still, it's a nice poem with interesting word choice. Vivid enough so that the reader could paint a picture of the narrator's childhood and then, his leaving. But this line "No more my home was visible—" is awkward. I suggest changing it to "No longer was my home visible—" To help the flow.
That is all.
Keep writing, there are more masterpieces to come.
Thank you for your review
The errors are fixed.
Hey! AJ here to review.
You have a lovely poem here! I love some of those lines. I like that you brought it closer to home for people with the 4th and 6th stanzas. But, as always, there are a couple suggestions I have.
First, this feels more like prose than a poem. You weren't consistent with stanza lengths (the last two were irregular from the pattern) and it didn't flow quite like a poem. However, it still is a very well done piece, and with the degenerating standards of poems these days... (It's a personal preference for me on poems.)
Second, there were a couple grammatically "skaky" areas.
"But I wasn't the only one to think that so". Suggestion: either take "that" out or take "so" out.
"When the evening would arrive and the school end?" Probably self-explainatory.
Overall, I enjoyed this piece! Maybe with a little brushing up, this can improve tremendously. Keep on writing!
-AJ (The Silver Lady)
Thank you for your review. It was really helpful. I will fix those errors.