Push or fell?

Hey Potter! Dogs here with your review today . Ok so I can tell or really feel like that you seem to be much more of a short story writer more so than a poet, and you face the problem every short story writer faces when they comfront poetry, there is a lot of telling and not showing and you do more of describing a story instead of creating a picture or making an emotion. Which is fine it's a very unique style of writing and depending on what your writing it can work very very well. I think in this poem there were several aspects of it that were absolutly all around fantastic! And I will defnitly point them out but there are a few minor things that I think you need to work on.

So firstly just a few tiny grammatical errors I want to point out to you. In the second line within the first stanza you say:

" In full few of my eyes."

I feel like you meant to say. In full view of my eyes instead of In full few of my eyes. Also in that first stanza and continuously throught the poem you say:

"What had you done?"

And gramatically it really should be What have you done. Now anouther tiny thing that I'd suggest but it's entirely up to you of course but personally I don't like the visual look of poetry all starting with capitals. Of course that is the part of poetry where you can control weither or not to do that so completely up to you of course.

Now moving onto the content and your choice of repition. Repition is always great in poetry but only if you do it so the reader isn't expecting it, make it offset and put it in almost randomly and not in to close of proximity to eachother. If the reader is reading one stanza and is already knowing whats your going to say in the next stanza your writing will get boring. I think the repition might be fantastic if you just leave it into the second to last stanza and the first stanza. It works very well there and it's great choice of words and vocab. Althouhg because in the last two lines of the first stanza they both end with "you" it throws off the rhythm. Try replacing the last "you" with a inside or something like that.

Now in poetry depending on the style your writing in your trying to make an impact on the reader, considering your write a poem about how you were left broken hearted so I'd suggest moving into a more emotional writing style, or because you can create strong images in the readers head better try with an imagist style of writing. You really showed you fantastic writing in the second to last stanza, that was great with you falling into the thorns.

Now there is anouther part in the 3rd to last stanza you say: "I smile as I remember your eyes;" here is a fantastic oppertunity that I feel like you missed out on, here is a chance to describe his or her eyes and how they impacted you.

Well all and all this is a great poem and I really enjoyed reading it there are just a few minor errors that you need to work on and than it's going to be solid. If you need anything or any more help give me a post on my wall or a private message . Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh