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Candy Land Ch. 1 (Restart)

by Poseidon


*Authors Note*

I've been gone but now Im back, and I vow to complete this work. Im sorry for going on a writers block and not telling anyone but that's the past and I'm ready to head on to the future. Now on to the story!

Candy Land

James

“Sorry James,” Mrs. Ricord said for the millionth time “We haven’t gotten any candy for a while.” She smiles and ruffles my hair, making some black strands fall into my face. “We’ll try our best to get some” Her words played in my head like a broken record as I walked out of the store. Why this could be happening; I wondered we’ve always had candy especially living in New York. How Cou- Just then I bumped into a guy. His tall form was draped with a nice suit and the smell of his coffee wafted into my nose

“Hey kid, watch where you’re going! I gotta be at a meetin’ and I don’t need coffee all over me”

“Sorry.” I mumbled as the man continued down the street.

Living in New York you’ll always encounter some… rough people, but lately they’ve seemed more… sour. Even I seemed to be snappier. The day before Mr. Ricord yelled at me (again) and I yelled right back, I even called him an ugly toad. Usually I can ignore him, but yesterday I just… couldn’t and he kicked me out of the store for the day.

I arrived at the steps that led up to my apartment, the worn cement stairs lined with moss made slip and hit my shins. I kind of hated New York, people always think it lights and glamour but they just don’t know the reality of it.

As I walked inside the apartment the familiar loneliness greets me, and I greet it back. It’s become kin of like a friend, giving me time to think. Sometimes I think too much, and I usually start thinking about my dad’s death. Ever since then I rarely get to see my mom, and when I do she’s usually sleeping. I guess two jobs takes a lot of toll on a person.

I washed the dishes that were in the sink, she must of came home to eat when I went to the store. I sighed, Man I wish I was here to see her. Drying my hands off I walked around the table and spotted a piece of paper. I picked it up; it was a letter from my mom.

Sorry James. I have to work all night. Would you please go to the grocery store and buy some milk? You know where the money is.

P.S. Make a cake with the extra things would you. I now you would like it.

Love,

Your caring mother

I reached under the fridge, and feel for the money. “Ahh, here it is.”I say as I pull out a crisp five dollar bill. Walking out the door I could see the skyline covered with orange and pink fog. I had to hurry, didn’t want to be out after dark.

I ran down the street, the autumn winds making goose bumps on my skin. Hurrying into the store I was greeted by none other than Mr. “Grumpy” Ricord.

“How many times do I have to tell ya, we ain’t got no candy?” Mr. Ricord bared his teeth, which went just right with his wrinkled face. The smell of cigarette smoke wafted out to meet me making me gag.

It took all I had not to call him another name, and I was tempted to make a scuff mark on the floor. He hates when there’s scuff marks on the floor, he says that he’s a “cleaning freak” and stuff like that makes him go crazy. Honestly I just think he’s crazy.

“I’m just here to buy some milk” I walked off leaving the man to himself. How could such a nice lady marry him? I thought as I rounded the corner to the milk aisle and ran face to face with Annabeth.

I couldn’t remember a time that we weren’t friends. I hadn’t noticed how pretty she was until the previous year. At the spring dance, when she had flowers in her hair and her blue eyes sparkled with her dress, I realized that I wanted to be more than friends.

“Hey James, what’s up?” She whipped a strand of her curly, dark brown hair out of her face. Her jeans held smudges as if she’d been at “The Alley” playing Pokémon. She’s like a fantasy addict, always at an expo or playing a game or just researching about it. Sometimes it got me exasperated.

“Nothing much,” I replied “just getting milk for my mom.”

“There hasn’t been much candy lately.” I said as I stepped up to the cash register

“Yep, there probably some candy catastrophe going on.” She acted out a fight.

“What is it with you and games?” she shrugged. I paid for the milk and stepped out into the dark streets.

“I’ll stay at your house tonight… My dad won’t notice” she added, a bit of sadness in her voice.

She said that it’s been a few weeks since she’s seen him, not that that he really was ever there. He’s so secretive and aggressive towards everyone, especially me. He’s been like that ever since I could remember, not that I’ve done anything to him. Oh well I guess some people are just like that.

“So” I began a bit teasingly, trying to break the silence. “I hear the boy in your science class, asked you out” A pause. My stomach tightens into a million knots as I see her face turn red. “Yeah and?” She flung her hair back and glares at me.

“Just asking.” I mumble quickly. I can tell that there’s embarrassment behind her anger, but why? Then it hits me. She might have said yes I thought to myself. My heart falls. After all this time, me thinking I had a chance with her. I shake my head. We’re just friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be.

After a while Annabeth’s voice broke the silence. “Did you see that?” The urgency in her voice made me snap out of my earlier mood.

“See what” I looked around as a pair of shadows came in to view. Two men in black suits, one being taller than the other, pulled out guns and pointed them at us. We were in New York but the strange thing was, there weren’t any other people around. We could try to run, but then they’d just shoot us.As they silently walked toward us, I looked at Annabeth. She just stood there, arms crossed, but I could tell she was just as scared as me.

“What do you want?” Annabeth asked rather rudely. They were holding us at gunpoint and she was acting like we were holding them at gunpoint.

“We need your help,” the smaller man said “A world different than this is in great danger.” I look at him with a quizzical stare. “What did he mean “a world different than this”? It sounded like it came out one of Annabeth’s crazy fantasy stories.

“We don’t even know who you are. You two just acted like psychos. I don’t think we can trust you guys.” Annabeth retorted.

“Young lady, we’re the governors of Candy Land. Our land has been plagued with a drought and we need your help to stop it.

“Are you joking? Ho-” I had recovered enough to speak but Annabeth interrupted me.

“We can get you guys mental help if need be, this is a big city.”

“Stop Annabeth,” I quickly said. “You’re gonna get us killed!”

“We aren’t going to kill you,” the taller man said as he put the gun back into his suit. “We just needed to get your attention. Now-”

“That’s not a very good way to get someone’s attention.” Annabeth mumbled

“Annabeth, can you just-”

“Okay, Okay” Putting up her hands defensively, she leaned on the wall.

“Now if we could step into this building,” They motioned to a door with a broken window next to it. “We can explain more of the situation to you.

I looked at Annabeth, she shrugged. They hadn’t killed us yet so…

“We’ll come, but there’s one condition,” The men looked at me quizzically. “If we aren’t convinced you have to let us go.”

“Okay,” They said but we must hurry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What does that have to do with us?” I said after hearing their story. Basically in “Candy Land” the drought is the result of there being no rain which in turn is drying up the rivers causing the resources they use in making candy to stop growing. Thousands of their “candy citizens” have died, and if it continues everyone will die.

“Humans will lose there… humanness too.” The oven beeped, the bigger twin took a cake out. (I didn’t know how he got the oven to work and when he put the cake in.) Putting a slice by Annabeth and I, he motioned for us to eat. Annabeth dug right in but I couldn’t, there was just too much going on.

“What do you mean?I had notice people acting meaner but I didn’t know candy is what made people nice.” This was the wackiest story I’d ever heard.

“There’s a lot you people don’t know. Have you ever noticed that throughout every age and time people have always wanted… sweets?” I nodded. “Well there’s a reason for that and without it people will be different.”

I was almost convinced. They didn’t act like psychos or anyone with mental problems and I had noticed that people were acting different but their evidence still wasn’t enough.

“I’m still not sure about this,” I said. Annabeth nodded. “But if we did go what would we have to do?”

“We don’t have time to explain it at this moment, but we just need you, not the girl.” The taller man said.

“No way,” I said. “It’s either both of us or none of us.” I crossed my arms to show them that I was serious. They glanced at each other and went into a back room. I glanced at Annabeth, but she just looked to the floor.

“Ok,” the taller twin said as he came out the back. “But we must hurry.” Just the small twin came out with a mirror. Pure gold seemed to line the sides as it started to glow.

“Wow!” Annabeth breathed as they rolled it to the table.

“Hold on, what if we change our minds, will you let us come back?” I thought of what I had here, it wasn’t a lot but it was what I knew.

“Yes we will.” The tall man said assuring it with a nod. “But if you to get the evidence you need, you must come with us first.” I nodded.

“Come,” The shorter twin jumped toward the mirror. He was supposed to smack into the glass but instead he sailed right through it. “We’ll explain on our ride to the meeting.” The taller man said as he jump through. I looked at Annabeth.

“Here goes nothing!” She jumped in, with me right behind her.


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Wed Oct 19, 2016 12:19 am
VintageCola wrote a review...



I am more of a man of plot and character development as opposed to grammar and word choice. However, using the word 'cringe' in the social context as opposed to its original context, as in how a person cringes when in fear of their superior, say an angry boss or whatever have you, is a bit strange.
It's like...using text language and familiar slang among our current generation in a book that features the adventures of medieval era knights: it's just improper.

Anyway, for my review...
When I was younger I used to play with a story much like this one. It was more fantastic (as in much more fantasy-based), but relatively the same: A young man lives an ordinary life in their town/city and is called by one or two people to another place much different from their own, original world. In this story it's Candyland, in my story it was a totally different planet by the name of Zova. The main character in my story happened to be a hero of great prophecy, and was tasks as the one who would save their world from the mad god, Niva.
I know your story doesn't have a "Hero of Ages" thing going on, and such stories can be pulled off if done right. I very much didn't pull it off correctly. Then again, I was also 12 at the time.
I'm not suggesting your story isn't good. It's great actually, but judging from the way two men dressed in suit and tie kidnap James and Annabeth expecting the two to change Candyland's climate because it is too...hot and humid?
(My scientific mind is telling me that when its hot and humid, CLOUDS usually form in the atmosphere, because it is much cooler up in the sky than it is on the ground, causing the water vapor to condense and make clouds in the sky. Since clouds are made of water, rain would soon follow, and the rivers and lakebeds would be filled again. Nature would solve itself.)
I'd suggest remedying this issue by telling your main character that there's been a drought: the land is too dry and no candy will grow for the humans of Candyland, for the rivers, lakes and other water sources have evaporated and no rain will come to restore it.

Back to my point, what is the motivation Annabeth and James have for solving the problems of Candyland? Put yourself in this situation: You have a family and friends, maybe even a girlfriend perhaps. You also have a home and possessions within that home, like the computer you're typing these stories on. If you or I were suddenly thrown into a world (at gunpoint) where you may never go back to see those people you knew, I don't know about you, but I'd feel pretty upset about that. So what is the motivation these two have for solving Candyland's issues that seem to be of no business of their own, other than that mysterious hand of force that influences the minds of characters and all known phenomena of a story, known as the PLOT? To James, there actually is some motivation to STAY in New York, since he has a mother whom he doesn't see very often due to her struggles as a single mother ever since her husband died and she was forced to take two jobs. That being said, his mother must be worried sick about his disappearance.
What about Annabeth? We haven't known much about her other than her temper when at gunpoint (please don't make the reader cringe at what he reads, you can make him/her feel emotions but cringe is not a pleasant thing to feel), what kind of life does she live? Her family, friends, values, ambitions, all that jazz.

Those are just a few things I liked to point out. Keep writing this story of yours, I enjoyed reading and reviewing it. The only way to get better at writing is to keep doing it! :D

(P.S. If I seemed a bit critical/unfair to your hard work, I apologize, that's just how I review works: I ask questions and analyze for faults. It's called constructive criticism, and I do this because I have learned much from my years of writing since I was 12ish and I only desire to help you.)




Poseidon says...


I thank you for this review. I actually like the way you review, it makes me think more about what I am writing. You'll (hopefully) learn more about Annabeth as we go on(I'm going to do her POV). I edited it so reread and see what you think.
Thanks,
Poseidon



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Fri Oct 14, 2016 12:43 pm
Poseidon says...



I edited it again, but it won't be clear till the next chapter.




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Thu Oct 13, 2016 11:53 pm
Poseidon says...



I've changed somethings so plz reread carefully if you've already read it. There is no longer a queen, I took it out because I have a new idea.




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Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:35 pm
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KiraThePotatoChip wrote a review...



Quite an interesting story you have started. I am noting down some spelling and grammar mistakes, but as a whole, the story is pretty well edited. I personally don't like these types of stories anymore, as I prefer a different genre than when I was younger, but I can see this appealing to a younger audience. The idea is something I have never seen before, so I think this could go somewhere.




Poseidon says...


Thanks!



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Thu Oct 13, 2016 4:27 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hello Poseidon!

First of all, I love the idea you're proposing with this story. I don't know if this is at all based of the Game Candyland (or Wreck It Ralph), but for me this is reminds me of those two things and for that reason, I really enjoyed the plot you're going for here!

Now let's get down to the nitty gritty

So first off, I want to ask: What is Mr. Ricord and James' relationship? At the beginning, I got the idea that James comes to this local candy shop (or grocery store as explained later), and that Mr. Ricord is one of those sweet, friendly shop owners that loves kids (something like Mr. Magorium in Mr. Magorium's Wonderful Emporium), but later on, there's quite obviously conflict between the two and they seem to strongly dislike each other. If you could explain that a little better, that would be great.

Also another small question: is there any point to James running into that drunk? Does it come in later? If not, I don't know if I would keep that in there or not, as it's not very relevant. But it's up to you, obviously :)

Walking out the door I could see the skyline covered with orange and pink fog.


Saying orange and pink fog makes me think of actually fog above the city. I would describe the sky as being orange and pink, not 'fog'. Unless that has something to do with the 'magic of the Candy Land' or something, of course.

“How many times do I have to tell ya, we ain’t got no candy?” Mr. Ricord bared his yellow teeth, which went just right with his wrinkled face. The smell of cigarette smoke wafted out to meet me making me gag.

It took all I had not to call him another name, and I was tempted to make a scuff mark on the floor. He hates when there’s scuff marks on the floor, he says that he’s a “cleaning freak” and stuff like that makes him go crazy. Honestly I just think he’s crazy.


Okay, so you say that he has yellow teeth and smokes, but then you counter that by saying that Mr. Ricord is a neat freak, which doesn't make sense if he has yellow teeth and (by a lesser extent) smokes. I would just pick one or the other and stick with that.

I couldn’t remember a time that we weren’t friends. I hadn’t noticed how pretty she was until the previous year. At the spring dance, when she had flowers in her hair and her blue eyes sparkled with her dress, I fell in love.


This seems a little hasty. He's been friends with Annabeth for a lengthy amount of time, but when he sees her with flowers in her hair and wears a pretty dress he suddenly falls in love with her. I would either a) have James slowly realize his feelings for Annabeth through the story or b) say that it was a contributor to how much he already felt for her.

“Nothing much,” I replied “just getting milk for my mom.”

“Yep, there probably some candy catastrophe going on.” She acted out a fight.


This... doesn't really make sense to me. He says he's not doing much, just getting milk, and she says 'yep' like she knows and then says there's a candy catastrophe? How does that relate to the conversation? How does acting out a fight have to do with these two factors? Maybe I'm just misinterpreting, but I would recommend making that a little smoother, dialogue wise.


Otherwise, there is admittedly a lot of grammar/spelling/dialogue errors, but those are all easy fixes, and I'm sure you could easily find someone to help with those, whether it's someone on here or someone you know offline.

I love the idea for this, and I hope to see more from you soon!

-inky :)




Poseidon says...


Well there's a few things:
1. Mrs. Ricord is the nice encounter and Mr. Ricord is the mean one.
2. James ran into the drunk so that when the two men are explaining there crisis the reader can think back to what he was saying. (Im changing the drunk to a business man though)
3.James is in NY so I said fog to put emphasis on the griminess of the city.
Im going to edit the rest so reread it in about 5 min.
Thx for the review




Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.