Mystery Cases: [School’s mysteries]
[The first case] chapter one:
“What!” Ryanne exclaimed. “Shita** I lose the game.” Ryanne gasped as she played Mystery case puzzle at big fish games. She is Ryanne Williams an untypical teen, she is 15 years of existence a secretly member of Young detectives club in her school.
“Ryanne, its lunch time, Go down!” her mom shouted.
“Wait, I’m not done yet with the game. I’ll go down later,” Ryanne mumbled and she continued playing Mystery case game.
Her phone ringed. Ryanne answered the phone it is Camillus. “Hey, Camillus what’s up?” Ryanne said.
“Hello Ryanne, Did you eat your lunch already? You need to go to here at the meeting place at exactly 1 PM. We need to talk about something.” Camillus hurried.
“I’m still playing Mystery cases. Wait, I am gonna go down to eat my lunch. I am going to off my laptop now. Talk to you later!” Ryanne said. Ryanne hanged down the mobile phone and hurried to go down.
”At last you went down, Ryz.” Her mom said and she smiled.
“I’m in hurry mom and it is 12 PM in the afternoon, I need to eat lunch!” Ryanne said.
“So where are you going?” Her mom asked.
“We’re gonna do our project in Science.” Ryanne answered immediately and she sat down at the chair and started to eat Macaroni and cheese.
“Are you sure it’s a project, Ryanne?” Her mom questioned.
“Ugh! If I said yes, it is a school-related work, mom” Ryanne said and rolled her eyes.
“Okay, okay calm down, Ryz!” Her mom said.
“Okay” Ryanne calmed down and continued to eat her lunch.
“So what time will you go back at home?” Her mom asked again.
“I don’t know, I think I’ll go back home late.” Ryanne sighed, as she ate the last serving of her Macaroni and cheese at her bowl.
“Late? Just be sure you’ll call here at home.” Her mom assured.
“Okay, got to go mom!” Ryanne said; she kissed her mom; lightly opened the door and went out.
Ryanne opened her mobile phone, 3 bars left for her battery. “Damn it! Three bars left. Wait, I’m gonna call Camillus.” Ryanne mumbled to herself.
“Camillus, I’m near at the meeting place wait for me.” Ryanne said.
“Oh okay, is it traffic there?” Camillus asked.
“I don’t think so, I didn’t ride a cab.” Ryanne said while chewing the chewing gum.
“Mmkay, you’re chewing a gum?” Camillus asked again.
“Yeah, why any violent reactions, Camillus?” Ryanne joked.
“Ha-ha, none seriously, going to talk to you later bye!” Camillus said.
“Oh okay, talk to your later.” Ryanne hanged down the mobile phone.
“Way to the meeting place.” Ryanne murmured to herself.
As she walk on Ryanne saw a shop. Not just a shop it is a detective tools shop! Ryanne amazed and she paused for a while. Moreover, she hurried to go to the meeting place to tell Camillus and other members.
After a few minutes, Ryanne is at the meeting place.
As she entered, she saw Royce watching television show.
“At last you’re here, Ryanne you are what we’ve waiting for.” Royce uttered.
“Hmm hello there, Royce, I just had a hard time walking on the roads.” Ryanne said. “So where are Camillus and the others?” Ryanne asked.
“Camillus is at the comfort room peeing ha-ha, while the others are at the kitchen cooking for our food and me? I’m just watching TV shows ha-ha.” Royce laughed.
“Oh you’re freaking bored?” Ryanne questioned and Camillus went out of the comfort room. “Hello Camillus, I’m here already.” Ryanne added.
“Yeah, seriously” Royce said. “Oh Camillus is there already.” He added and continued watching TV shows.
“Hello there, Ryanne I’m glad you’re here already.” Camillus said and he smiled.
“Yes, where are Alice, Jude and Bianca?” Ryanne asked.
“As Royce said, they’re at the kitchen. Do you want me to call them?” He asked.
“No need, Camillus.” Ryanne sighed and she joined Royce watching TV shows.
“Hey Ryanne, you’re here already!” Alice and Bianca said.
“Hey girls, what are you cooking? It smells delicious.” Ryanne questioned.
“We’re cooking… Hmm, clubhouse, we’re just cooking the meat.” Alice answered.
“Oh it’s pretty yummy! Where is Jude, at the kitchen?” Ryanne asked again.
“Yeah, you got it right. He is just preparing the sandwiches.” Bianca said.
“Oh okay, I guess Jude is done let me help him.” Ryanne said and she went to the kitchen to help Jude preparing. “Since I’m little bit late.” She added.
“Hello, Jude! May I help you?” Ryanne favored.
“Oh, you’re here already Ryanne, sure thing you may help me. Good thing I need help ha-ha.” Jude said
“Okay.” Ryanne said. In addition, they started serving the American clubhouse.
They all started eating the clubhouse at the dining area of the place.
“Since we’re all here, I’m going to start the meeting.” Camillus said and he took a bite of the clubhouse.
“Yeah, by the way before we start I’m going to tell you guys something.” Ryanne said.
“What?” Royce interrupted
“I saw a store… not just a store; it’s a detective tools store! While I’m starring on the store I saw lots of detective tools like trackers, digital recorders, spy cameras, night vision scopes and a lot of more!”
“Whoa, that was really cool Ryanne!” Alice amazed.
“Yeah, we should go there immediately.” Camillus said. “I need to see the tools that we needed.” He added. “Since I’m talking here, let’s start the meeting. The case is all about a sophomore student who really needs help. He is Marvin, as I said he is a sophomore student. He always saw Mrs. Perkins you know her right. Here is the story: while Marvin is at the corridor of the school, he always saw Mrs. Perkins at his back looking at him, but his second time he looked around Mrs. Perkins was gone. However, on Marshall Corridor there is no turnover area there, right? Except for the stairs he didn’t hear the footsteps of Mrs. Perkins going down the corridor.” Camillus said.
“It was an unbelievable experience, Camillus!” Jude said. “I think Mrs. Perkins is using a tool, I don’t know what tool it is; we should start our action immediately.” Jude added.
“You got it right, we should start immediately, and I think Mr. Marvin is scared of Mrs. Perkins because Mrs. Perkins is always starring at Marvin, even at the corridor and the bad thing Mrs. Perkins is always following Marvin at the back.” Ryanne said.
“Uh-huh, so what’s the plan?” Alice asked.
“Okay, let’s see hmmm.” Camillus paused for a while. “Alright, Royce and Alice will be at the sophomore teachers’ faculty room, to monitor what Mrs. Perkins doing during free time.”
“Ah great, we’re team-up again Royce!” Alice interrupted.
“Yeah, he-he I want to team up with you.” Royce said and he winked.
“Okay, let’s continue; Bianca and Jude for the cafeteria. Please monitor what Mrs. Perkins is actually doing there while eating.” Camillus said.
“Man! At the cafeteria, its okay to avoid my hungriness anyways Bianca is there. She will give me her food.” Jude joked.
“Ha! Never.” Bianca gasped and she laughed.
“Okay, you can have a private conversation later on; let’s continue and the last pair me and Ryanne, we will be at the Marshall corridor together with Marvin and after this conversation we’ll go to the said shop that Ryanne told us to buy some stuffs.” Camillus said.
“What we are waiting for?” Ryanne said. “C’mon! Let’s go.” She added.
The young detectives went out of the meeting place at 5:30 in the afternoon. Ryanne went out first because she will locate where the store is located. Ryanne opened her tracker. She typed “Mimi Detective Stuffs.” Great thing the tracker tracked the said location so they started tracking, as they walk on Camillus asked.
“Hey Ryanne, are you sure the tools there are complete?” Camillus asked and has a confusing face
“Yes, why?” Ryanne questioned and she paused.
“Nothing, let’s continue walking” Camillus said.
They continued walking and after a few minutes, they were at the store. Ryanne entered the store first and the rest continued entering the store.
“Hey kids! Do you need something in my store?” the seller asked.
“Good day, Mister! We’re the young detectives of our school, and we need some tools for spying or detecting.” Camillus said.
“Oh you mean, spy and detective tools? We have them all.” The seller said. “By the way I am Mr. Lewis; I’m the owner of this store. What tools do you need?” Mr. Lewis asked.
“We need new modern trackers, digital video camera wrist watch, modern clear scopes, and digital communicator. That only would do for now.” Camillus said.
“How many would you want?” Mr. Lewis asked.
“Each person…. So we’re 6 and we need those tools each.” Camillus said
“Wait, I’m going to compute it.” Mr. Lewis said and he computed the expenses. “All in all $1k dollars” he added
“Whoa, that is pretty much cheap than the other stores. We usually pay $3k for the tools. Are the tools having a high quality features?” Camillus asked.
“Yes, it is. You can refund the tools I signed for warranty in your official receipt for one month.” Mr. Lewis said.
“Great! Here is the $1k bucks, Mr. Lewis.” Camillus paid the expenses.
“Where did you get this big money value?” Mr. Lewis asked.
“It is our saving for every meeting that we will have.” Royce said.
“Oh alright, here is the official receipt and the tools, Have a nice day! You can come here if you guys have some questions.” Mr. Lewis said.
“Alright, thank you Mr. Lewis!” Ryanne said.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Have you receive the Private message? Wait, I'll edit it again :>
That was quick! Great! now, on with the review...
“Okay.” Ryanne said. In addition, they started serving the American clubhouse.
You mean, together, they started serving the American clubhouse
*
“Okay, let’s see hmmm.” Camillus paused for a while. “Alright, Royce and Alice will be at the sophomore teachers’ faculty room, to monitor what Mrs. Perkins doing during free time.”
Mrs. Perkin's.
*
Camillus asked and has a confusing face
i would rephrase that and make it: Camillus seemed confused.
*
Ryanne entered the store first and the rest continued entering the store.
you use entered twice. maybe just say 'and the others followed her'
wow, overall this is a lot better! i really like the way the plot is developing, but i would try to make things a little more realistic. when you talk about them going up to the seller and saying 'we're spies.' don't you think he would question them? like i said, describe the people, give us a mental image. also, i don't think that they would really have that kind of money, but thats okay. i like the plot, so PM me when you get the next chapter up!
Yayy! My first review xP. Thanks for reviewing it, I'll surely edit the chapter and PM it to you later...
ok, first thing first
I like the plot, its interesting and has potential. you need to describe your characters in a more subtle way, and maybe where they are as well. set the scene, give us some hints about their personalities. Anyway, here goes with the corrections:
'She is Ryanne Williams an untypical teen, she is 15 years of existence a secretly member of Young detectives club in her school.'
i would rephrase this. the grammar is wrong, and the way it is written makes it hard to understand. for example,
'Her name was Ryanna Williams, a fifteen year old teen. To others, she would seem normal, but the opposite is true. As a secret member of the Young Detectives club at her school, she is much more then she appears.'
Something like that. However, even that is a way to obvious way to introduce the characters. its corny and overused. try to spread out your description and show us what she is instead of telling us.
*
'“Ryanne, its lunch time, Go down!” her mom shouted.
“Wait, I’m not done yet with the game. I’ll go down later,” Ryanne mumbled and she continued playing Mystery case game.
Her phone ringed. Ryanne answered the phone it is Camillus. “Hey, Camillus what’s up?” Ryanne said.'
at the beginning, you mean to say 'come down', not go down. at the end of 'i'll go down later, you need a period not a comma. I would say she continued playing the game. Also, her phone rang, not ringed. I would say 'Camillus was calling again.'
*
“Hello Ryanne, Did you eat your lunch already? You need to go to here at the meeting place at exactly 1 PM. We need to talk about something.” Camillus hurried.
“I’m still playing Mystery cases. Wait, I am gonna go down to eat my lunch. I am going to off my laptop now. Talk to you later!” Ryanne said. Ryanne hanged down the mobile phone and hurried to go down.
”At last you went down, Ryz.” Her mom said and she smiled.
“I’m in hurry mom and it is 12 PM in the afternoon, I need to eat lunch!” Ryanne said.
I really don't think this character would ask about whether Ryanne ate. Also, i would say, 'can you be at the meeting place around 1? We need to talk.' No one would really say 'exactly 1PM.' and anyway, when you speak you don't really talk choppily. Camillus asked hurriedly, not Camillus hurried.
Going on to the dialogue, its 'you came down at last, Ryz." no what you said. When she says that she's in a hurry, then the mom would probably think, 'well, i called you!' also, the mom would know the time. 12 pm in the afternoon is redundant and unnecessary. i would say, 'i need to go work on a science project with Camillus in a hour.'
*
“So what time will you go back at home?” Her mom asked again.
“I don’t know, I think I’ll go back home late.” Ryanne sighed, as she ate the last serving of her Macaroni and cheese at her bowl.
“Late? Just be sure you’ll call here at home.” Her mom assured.
Her mom never asked in the first place. Ryanne comes home late, not goes home. her mom asked, not assured.
*
“Oh okay, is it traffic there?” Camillus asked.
“I don’t think so, I didn’t ride a cab.” Ryanne said while chewing the chewing gum.
“Mmkay, you’re chewing a gum?” Camillus asked again.
“Yeah, why any violent reactions, Camillus?” Ryanne joked.
“Ha-ha, none seriously, going to talk to you later bye!” Camillus said.
“Oh okay, talk to your later.” Ryanne hanged down the mobile phone.
“Way to the meeting place.” Ryanne murmured to herself.
Um, you say, 'is there traffic?', not 'is it traffic there.' Also, Ryanne would be able to see if she was on the sidewalk. the whole thing about the gum is a little random, and distracts from the story.
when you say, 'way to the meeting place', that really only confuses me. I don't understand.
*
As she walk on Ryanne saw a shop. Not just a shop it is a detective tools shop! Ryanne amazed and she paused for a while. Moreover, she hurried to go to the meeting place to tell Camillus and other members.
After a few minutes, Ryanne is at the meeting place.
As she entered, she saw Royce watching television show.
“At last you’re here, Ryanne you are what we’ve waiting for.” Royce uttered.
As she WALKED, not walk. I don't think there would be a detective shop in the middle, but hey, whatever. Ryanne was amazed, not Ryanne amazed. However, not moreover. you switch from past to present tense several times. Ryanne was at the meeting place, not is at the meeting place. when she entered, she saw Royce watching TV, not as she entered. "You made it! We've been waiting!" is a more flowy (is that a word) way to make Royce speak then what you wrote. Royce said, not uttered.
*
“Hmm hello there, Royce, I just had a hard time walking on the roads.” Ryanne said. “So where are Camillus and the others?” Ryanne asked.
“Camillus is at the comfort room peeing ha-ha, while the others are at the kitchen cooking for our food and me? I’m just watching TV shows ha-ha.” Royce laughed.
You can just say, 'hey Royce, sorry, i just had to walk. Where are the others?' also, camillus is in the bathroom i assume, and i think they all ate, why would they make more food? also, don't put in the Ha-ha's, they distract. you already say he laughed at the end.
*
“Oh you’re freaking bored?” Ryanne questioned and Camillus went out of the comfort room. “Hello Camillus, I’m here already.” Ryanne added.
“Yeah, seriously” Royce said. “Oh Camillus is there already.” He added and continued watching TV shows.
“Hello there, Ryanne I’m glad you’re here already.” Camillus said and he smiled.
“Yes, where are Alice, Jude and Bianca?” Ryanne asked.
this is how i would write it:
'Camillus came out of the bathroom. "Hey!" Ryanne said, turning to nod. Camillus smiled. "Hello there, i'm glad to see you made it." '
Why would Royce be bored if they needed to have a meeting. Camillus knows that Ryanne is there. she is late, so you can't say already. Royce just repeats what she says. Ryanne already knows where the others are.
*
after you make these corrections feel free to PM me and i'll review again. work on your transitions and descriptions, especially of people and places!
Sapphira