z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Equator in Zhulong 1.3

by Pompadour


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

1193 words 

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Governor Chang Mul. The emperor's Caesar. Perhaps he sensed Rén's stare, because he looked up from whatever he was perusing and made eye contact. Rén winced inwardly, but held the stare, inclining his head forward slightly before looking down. The governor nodded back, then gestured at Rén to approach him.

'Abalone,' Rén said anxiously. 'Do I--does he do the checking--or is he just--'

'What?' Abalone was in the middle of craning his neck to catch sight of the Emperor. He looked at where Rén pointed him to. 'Oh--the governor. You'll have kept your stamp, right? Just walk up to him and get yourself marked.'

Rén made a face. 'But--'

'Go.' Abalone pushed him. 'Are you half-dragon or half-chicken?'

'Full-chicken, I think, actually,' Rén muttered. He felt around in his bag for the stamp as he walked up to the governor, whose face seemed to twitch into what Rén could have sworn was a slight smirk when their gazes met yet again. Close up, Governor Chang Mul's eyes were like half-moon slits, his face impossibly creased as though it were a wrung-out cloth that someone had not deemed important to iron. Rén bowed, then handed the governor the stamp Yesim had given him the day prior: a simple laced knot that spelled out Yesim's initials. The marking was over quickly, the governor informed Rén that he would have to sit in a specific section near the stage, and a young boy who seemed to vaporise into being led him to the designated area. A few rows of wooden stools were placed closest to the stage. People with pens and paper--scribes--sat there, expectant, waiting. Yesim's Post was a minor office, operating only on a local scale, so luckily Rén's seat was closer to the back.

Once seated, Rén avoided making eye contact with anyone. The couple seated next to him kept pointing and speaking in audible whispers, but he ignored them. He wasn't in the mood for conversation--or, alternatively, for being gawked at. He fiddled with the odd amber stone he had found earlier that day. It was the size of a quail's egg and seemed to rest familiarly in his gloved palm. He spun the stone in his hand, raising it so it caught the light; it sent gold discs careening over his black leather gloves.

Rén watched, transfixed. It looks like a miniature train orbital. He fisted the stone.

But the stone showed no sign of wanting to stop. It spun, faster and faster, growing hot with every turn. Rén started and his knees bumped into the stool in front of his. The man sitting there grunted, looking over his shoulder to glance at him disapprovingly.

'Sorry,' Rén muttered, giving the man a quick nod. Thankfully, the man was too distracted by the goings-on onstage to pay too much attention to Rén: a cluster of thin, black-robed figures had begun to gather onstage, their faces painted a dirty orange, save for a pale strip around their eyes. A swan-shaped insignia was embroidered on their chests, and they all carried an odd assortment of objects--apples, trumpets, books and vases, as though they had grabbed the first item they had seen and carried it with them onstage. Their leader, a short, squat man, stood in the centre. He cleared his throat, and the crowd hushed.

Rén could feel the temperature rising within his curled-up fist.

'People of the capital,' the Symbolist leader boomed. Rén couldn't keep himself from raising his eyebrows. For such a small man, his lung power was quite remarkable. 'We hail from the Western Isles, a land that is quite different from yours, yet we come with all the goodwill of clansmen clustering together in a storm. With our comrade, your king, we have had much dialogue about the history of your young country. We have learned much about your departure from the Larger Kingdom of this continent, the border talks, and also of the difficulties that you have overcome under his highness's rule. It has been a pleasure.' The man inclined his head. The audience cheered and, as if on cue, music started to sound from a koto somewhere behind the Moon Emperor's throne.

'My name,' the man continued, speaker louder over the clamour, 'is Sibel, but my followers and friends call me Master Puto.'

By now, the stone had risen to a temperature that was impossibly hot. Quickly, Rén stuffed it in his satchel, eyes growing wide when even jamming it between the rolled-up scrolls wasn't friction enough for it to stop. He placed the stone in his lap and pressed the bag down--hard, but to no effect. The stone seemed to possess a force of its own. He yelped when a thin tongue of smoke wisped its way out from beneath the delivery bag. Abruptly, he stood up, startling the people around him, and the stone rolled off his lap and out of view.

Rén gulped, his head dipping even lower as he apologised, but the minor embarrassment was the least of his worries. Master Puto continued to speak, his voice growing ever louder by the second. It sounded like someone dragging a rake through a pit of granite chips, harsh and discordant.

'...build a tower,' he was saying, 'as a symbolic representation of the heights we hope to reach...'

'Pompous old man,' someone behind Rén muttered.

'...and together, with the people of Shi Jiāng...'

Something hot pressed itself against Rén's foot. Uneasy, he looked down, sweat trickling uncomfortably down his chest. For a moment, it felt like he had forgotten how to breathe. I'm hallucinating, he thought, pressing his long nails into his palm, so deep that they cut through the leather and drew blood. I'm going mad.

The stone was glowing. It grew larger--larger, tentacles erupting through its glassy surface, tentacles that formed wings, wings that were suddenly tinged scarlet and gold and cut through the air wildly, through flesh and wood ... wings that became a bird, that became a dog, that became a bird again. It trilled louder than any double-reeded horn, fire spewing from its beak and arching through the air to match its symphony.

Rén's ears were ringing--he realised belatedly--with screams. Gasping for breath, he threw himself back, off the stool. He scrambled to his feet and looked around in bewilderment. People pushed past him. He felt nauseous and dizzy. The smell of burnt cloth pervaded the air--a strong, pungent smell mixed with many others, that of sweat and blood and dust rising from the stampede. Rén retched, gave up on trying to gather his bearings and sat down on the ground, curling up into a ball and crossing his arms over his head.

He stayed that way until the clamour was over.

When he opened his eyes, it was to a circus of unblinking, accusing stares, lips forming insults that Rén could not hear. The bird had disappeared. And in front of Rén stood none other than the Moon Emperor himself, a scarlet, feathered scroll clasped in his right hand.

'Bàn Rén,' the Moon Emperor said. 'This is not how I fancied we would meet.'

A mortified blush stained the half-dragon's cheeks.


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1162 Reviews


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Sun Aug 26, 2018 7:44 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Here to bring this out of the green room for you!

I think it's cool that your MC is half-dragon! I don't read a ton of fantasy, but I don't think I've ever read about a half-dragon before :)

So starting at the top and working my way through, I was a little confused at the beginning with the stamp business. I'm coming in late, so there's probably some context I'm missing here but I didn't see what the significance of that was or how it connected to the later part of the chapter. Was it so he was allowed to come inside this meeting? It felt like kind of a dramatic moment.

Overall I thought you did a really nice job showing Ren's feelings throughout this scene. From the nerves of coming into the meeting and not wanting anyone to notice him, to the ending with all the business with the stone. I felt connected to Ren and his experience in this chapter, which is especially cool since I'm coming in late with no context.

It's clear that the people around Ren aren't super thrilled with the speech, but I'd be curious to know what Ren thinks. I know he gets pretty distracted once the stone starts getting hot and he stops taking in the majority of the message, but before that what does Ren think? And speaking of the stone, do the people around him notice anything is amiss before the stone bursts open? Does anyone notice Ren's distress or his attempts to hide and cover the stone?

Overall, I think this was a well executed intriguing chapter! Sorry I don't have too many notes for you :) Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention! :D




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Mon Jul 23, 2018 10:00 am
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, pompadour! I'm back again, determined to catch up with all the LMS novels I'm following before I let myself write mine. I have no idea how I'm going to stick to all these reviewing commitments, but heck if I'm a quitter, especially where your charming novel is concerned.

Small Comments

He looked at where Rén pointed him to. 'Oh--the governor.


Those pesky unnecessary words. Also, I think a comma would be better than a dash after 'oh'.

'Go.' Abalone pushed him. 'Are you half-dragon or half-chicken?'

'Full-chicken, I think, actually,' Rén muttered.


Loved this!

his face impossibly creased as though it were a wrung-out cloth that someone had not deemed important to iron.


Another brilliant simile, but could it be more concisely expressed? You could have something like 'his face as impossibly creased as a wrung-out cloth nobody deemed important to iron'. You can accept and ignore my suggestions as you like, of course - I don't want to step on your toes!

the man was too distracted by the goings-on onstage to pay too much attention to Rén: a cluster of thin, black-robed figures had begun to gather onstage


I'm a stickler for needless repetition. Could the second 'onstage' be swapped out for 'there', or otherwise some other word?

also of the difficulties that you have overcome under his highness's rule


Does 'his highness' refer to the ruler of the Larger Kingdom? If so, I think 'His Majesty' would be more appropriate. 'Majesty' is used for kings, queens, emperors, empresses, etc., whereas 'highness' is for princes and princesses. I have no idea how I learnt this, considering that I don't give two hoots about my own country's royal family.

A mortified blush stained the half-dragon's cheeks.


This is a small point, but it might be worth working in a description of Rén at some point. I'm usually in the 'describing the main character? Never heard of it' sort of camp, but in Rén's case, it feels important. Because I struggle to picture exactly how dragon-y he's supposed to be. Does he have human stature but with claws and wings and stuff? Does he have hair? Scales? I definitely don't want you to dump a dense description in the middle of the chapter anywhere, but weaving in a few more details would definitely help. I don't want to build too strong a picture of him in my head only to have to completely reformulate it three chapters down the line because I found out something new about him.

Overall Thoughts

1) Another great instalment, and generally easier to follow than the previous part. I'm glad that the amber stone took centre stage in this part, and I really liked the building intrigue and panic as Rén failed to stop it burning and eventually dropped it. Its transformation into the bird was bizarre and perfectly in-keeping with the story, but I wonder what it means. Was the stone some kind of egg? It was a Fire Dog that left the stone, wasn't it? The fact that the bird briefly resembled a dog makes me wonder if it's another one of those.

2) I felt that the point at which the stone transformed needed more clarity in the description. I understood what was happening, but not how the crowd was reacting to it, nor where Rén and the stone were positioned. You do mention the crowd screaming after your description of the bird, but it still threw me off-kilter because I couldn't picture where the scene was unfolding.

3) I like the way the Symbolist leader is kept kind of out of focus. The emphasis is on the stone in this chapter, with the speech as mere background noise, yet I can tell that Master Puto is going to be important. It feels like you've planted the seeds of his character subtly, without feeling the need to point at him and be like 'look at this! This matters!'

4) I loved the end. What on earth has Rén got himself into? The fact that the Moon Emperor knows him by name is interesting in itself. I get the impression that some very important people are interested in Rén, and that therein lies the reason he was able to attain legal citizenship. I could be wrong, of course, because your story is nothing if not unpredictable. That's one of the many things I love about it.

I think that's all for this review. Beautiful writing as always. Rén is growing and growing on me, and I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into the world. Let me know when the next chapter is up - I hear we're going to see more of Abalone, which I'm excited for.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan





Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
— Dr. Seuss