The Equator in Zhulong 1.2

by Pompadour

Published July 17, 2018

16+ Language

In The Equator in Zhulong [LMS IV]

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

1915 words

-

As in legend, the creature appeared twice--first to tease, and second to stay.

Yesim was the first one to see him when he came. Wrapped in an alabaster cloak of significantly rancid odour, looking devoutly human as he--it--walked up the street, carrying with it a tangible smell-cloud of crushed pines and cow shit. It was still early in the morning. Yesim had come outside for a quiet smoke, the rest of the neighbourhood still sound asleep. It was as he was refilling his pipe with tobacco that he saw, out of the corner of his eye, a sudden flash of light.

And following the flash of light--a man.

Yesim started when he saw a moustache hopping directly in front of his line of vision. He blinked, and the man's stiff facial hair gave way to a pair of rather histrionic fangs. The creature moved closer; its heels melted into candle wax, black irises dilating over human eyes until they looked like rotund fish eggs. Yesim yelped and backtracked, colliding with the door behind him. The man grinned--and like in the stories Yesim used to hear from his grandfather, where the Fire Dogs hunted the sun, disappeared.

The encounter lasted barely a minute.

All that was left behind was a small yellow crystal where the creature had stood. Yesim was so shaken up that he failed to notice it, his back still firmly pressed against the posthouse's front door. Rubbing his forehead vigorously, he stuffed his pipe into its cloth bag. Pronouncing himself unwell, he shook Rén awake, then spent the rest of the day in his office, where he puffed steadily away on his pipe and pored over the cost analyses he had checked a million times already.

Later on, it was Rén who found the crystal, twinkling in the mid-morning sun, and that is where the trouble began.

'Do you need any help with that?' Rén asked as he thudded past Yesim's door. The entire post office was an odd hodge-podge of stairs and landings, with some doors opening onto the maze of stairs itself--apparently, the building was a two-hundred-year-old war relic. Some high-ranking officer had lived here, and had designed his home as a paranoid experiment in bewilderment.

Yesim looked up from his desk, still counting numbers under his breath. '51, 52 ... no, I'm writing this out'--he waved the sheaf of papers at Rén--'in Keiyanian, so you can't help with this. I'll call you if I need translation.' He resumed his steady mantra, scribbling sums on scrap paper as he did. 'Don't you have somewhere to be, kid?'

Rén scowled. The Symbolist Gathering. 'I was hoping you'd tell me I don't need to go.'

'You don't,' Yesim said. Rén was about to crack open a smile and a 'thank you', but Yesim continued: 'Not until after you finish cleaning--I gave the work staff a day off. And'--Rén thought he heard the slightest note of tension in Yesim's voice--'make sure you lock the doors behind you. Firmly. If you forget, I cut your pay. You know the rules.'

Rén muttered blackly under his breath. He turned to leave.

'And take the signature stamp with you or attendance won't count!' Yesim yelled after him.

A loud, defiant slam echoed through the posthouse when Rén shut the office door.

It was a Saturday.

Saturday was the busiest day for post, generally, but on this specific Saturday, there was very little to do. Most services were closed--the milkman, the print shop, the digi-carpenter.Even the professional beggar who sat in the small alcove between the post office and the vehicle repair shop had clocked out early, Rén noticed as he cleaned the windows. The pop-up stores from the week-long summer festival stood flat and listless in the heat, their striped awnings and click-counters folded up like card paper props in a shadow play.

And all this because of some ridiculous Symbolist gathering in the Old City. Rén frowned. The Symbolists were a new religion--a strange occult sort, Yesim had told him last week, when they had gotten yet another order for poster-printing and delivery for 'The Gathering' as they called it. Apparently, an entire group of the Symbolist orators had demanded audience with the Emperor. And the Emperor, being young and disposed to curiosity--as well as, in Ren's opinion, just plain stupid in this respect--had allowed the group to exhibit a public demonstration of their arcane rites. 'But what's in a preacher party, really?' Yesim had said in his usual dry monotone, although Rén had noticed that his words tended to be more bitter-laced of late, especially in relation to the Moon Emperor. He dismissed Yesim's sullenness as a side-effect of the heat wave.

And--currently, Rén supposed, the fact that all print and postal services had mandatory attendance to Imperial Events was not helping his mood. Yesim disliked the idea of sermonising almost as much as Rén himself, but him being the employer, had found it easy to push the task of attendance on the half-dragon instead.

As he slung his canvas delivery bag over his shoulder, Ren caught sight of a yellow stone on the ground. It looked like a precious gem, although it could very well be a marble, for all Rén knew. He slipped the stone into his pocket anyway, making a mental note to ask around if anyone had lost it. If not--he grinned--then maybe he could pawn it off for a decent price. Slightly placated by the idea of making more money, he continued down the empty streets, towards the Old City.

A shadow followed him from close behind, unnoticed, its gait loose and flickering in the bright sun.

-

The Old City was spilling over with people by the time Rén arrived at the Phlox Gates. He squinted upwards as the crowd lunged forward; the paifang's crest glinted rose-gold in the sun, splashes of ceremonial paint still fresh over its original black. Below the crest hung an ornate engraving. A Kingdom's Path is Circular, it read. Once Divided, Once Complete. Beyond those gates was the heart of the Old City--temples with their sacred pillars, half of which were rotting away steadily, especially after the rains from the year before, but went untouched by the Imperial State. In Shi Jiāng, the idea of a renovation was tantamount to sacrilege. And so it was considered normal for wildflowers and weeds to grow around the carefully-carved stone, the actual shape of the structures disappearing beneath a thicket of leaves and petals. Vendors were clustered in all available spaces along the pillars: some held colourful, cheap-looking trinkets, whiile others sold food, and still others displayed perfume and amulets.

People were so distracted that they barely noticed a half-dragon had mixed among their ranks.

Slowly, painfully, the crowd inched towards the Imperial Pavilion: mothers hissed at their children to stay close, people swore, and an odd smell--a mix of sweat stench and oud--rose from the tangle of bodies. Rén almost instinctively tucked his hands under his arms, trying to breathe easy. He hoped he would see Huā here, perhaps assisting one of the dancers she had told him she was working for the last time they had met. Or Abalone, or even Tsutomo, a part-time civil worker whose cocky attitude always grated severely on Rén's nerves. He pulled his bamboo hat lower over his face, eyes scanning the crowd for anyone familiar.

Someone elbowed him in the face. Rén yelped. A woman, half his size, who looked over her shoulder--perhaps to apologise--and recoiled visibly when her gaze settled on Rén's face. Ducking her head, she pushed her way through the crowd as fast as it would permit her. A snarl escaped Rén's throat, almost of its own accord. Someone tapped him on the shoulder. Irritable, he shook them off. By now, he could see the curvature of the sweeping palace roof--the barest glimpse, visible only from atop the dividing wall that lay between the outer precincts and the Pavilion within.

The sun bore down on the coiling streets oppressively, like a lantern wrapped in a thick woollen blanket. It was suffocating, Rén thought. Religion was suffocating. The idea of people--all these people gathered together--everything--everything was suffocating.

What sort of 'religion' served trinket entertainment in efforts to gain followers? he thought, disgruntled. It was funny how Rén had supposed that a large '-opolis' like Tiangyedan would be free of the superstition and fantasy that religion was predisposed to in the rural south--funny, because he had seen that illusion shattered firsthand the moment he had stepped foot in the Northern Province. People tended to have very abrasive reactions to whatever they deemed even borderline 'unusual'.

And yet, Rén thought bitterly, the very arrival of an arcane Far West religion thrills their bones to the extent that it shuts half the city down. Even the airways weren't running. And now he would have to put up with it all day.

'You really need to be more attentive, Bàn Rén,' someone whispered in his ear. Rén jumped, his satchel flopping heavily against his stomach.

'Abalone,' Rén hissed, peering over his shoulder at the much-taller man. Abalone smiled at him. His greasy, slicked-back hair shone brightly in the sun, the roundness of his head reminding Rén of a doorknob. Today, the resident writer seemed to have abandoned his usual mishmash attire of unironed pants and tunic for something more formal.

Velvet.

Abalone fell into step beside him, and Rén pointed at his collar. 'That material--in summer?'

Abalone shrugged, wiping the sweat that beaded his forehead. 'I didn't think it through,' he admitted. 'What're you doing here alone? I don't suppose the Postmaster...?'

Rén shook his head.

'Ah. Then the primary difference between us'--Abalone tripped slightly--'is that I want to be here, while you do not. That should make for an interesting disparity between our perceptions of the same event.'

'I'm not letting you interview me,' Rén said shortly.

'I don't need to interview you--I'll just ask Yesim instead. Oh, hello--look over there.'

Rén followed Abalone's gaze, standing on his toes slightly so he could see over the crowd. They were very close to the Imperial Pavilion now. Through the gateway, Rén could see a huge marble-floored courtyard--and in the middle of it, a circular, slightly-raised platform. A crowd of dancers were moving slowly across it, their figures graceful and lithe against the backdrop of the Moon Palace. Rén saw Huā running around the stage, her arms full of what looked like peacock feathers; her distinctive pale hair rippled like a candleflame amongst all the other dark-haired girls in the crowd.

'Looks like this thing's going to be a big one,' Abalone said. 'Her highness is attending--there, the throne on the steps, look. My landlord was right, she does look sickly still.'

Rén snorted. 'And your theory is that the Moon Emperor is poisoning her?'

'No indeed. My theory'--Abalone raised a finger in dramatic persuasion--'is that she is slowly dying of heartbreak.'

Rén shook his head, amused. The air grew even thicker with noise as they passed through the gate into the Pavilion, where Imperial Guards ushered them into lines. One of them carried a notebook; a ream of red tassels dangled from his cap to individuate him from the rest of the common guards. This man, Rén knew, was the District Governor for Print and Post, and he was also the man closest to the Moon Emperor, whom Rén reckoned probably had a hand in many legal matters as well. 

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Jul 29, 2018

Hey @Pompadour! I'm sorry for falling behind on this!

I think I preferred this part to Chapter One, your characters seem to have more personality and the story seemed to take more of a shape and overall it was more enjoyable.

I think my main issue so far with this story is the exact opposite of what I love about your poetry: vocabulary. You clearly have this armoury of words to use and it really shows, but sometimes I think that you're making things overly wordy, overly complicated and it can be a little bit hard to follow. Unlike poetry, you have to remember that you need to keep your reader's attention, and their energy, intact until the end of the story.

There were a few places in particular I'm going to point out:

"and in the middle of it, a circular, slightly-raised platform."

We know that a platform is slightly raised, that's what makes it a platform.

And:

"her distinctive pale hair rippled like a candleflame amongst all the other dark-haired girls in the crowd."

We don't need the word 'distinctive' here because the rest of the sentence does the work for you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with flowery prose, but I think that the verbosity is taking away from your story and world building. 100% you should maintain that richness, and your description of the plants in the city was next-level beautiful. But just read through. Wonder if you need all the adverbs and adjectives and try to pare it down. A novel is a marathon built out of words, decide if you want to spend energy on 'slowly' and 'slightly' before you commit it to paper.

Otherwise, I'm intrigued by Abalone and the princess dying of a broken heart D: poor lady <3

- Stella x

thank you so much for the review, Stella! <3 I agree with you on the verbosity; it's definitely one of my weakest areas, and hopefully I can learn to prime my writing down as I go along.

*prune xD autocorrect

User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review Review · Jul 18, 2018

Hello, Pompadour! Just dropping in to review the next instalment of this charming story. I'll start by saying that I think this part is much stronger than the last. It's still got its confusing parts, but on the whole the writing is much clearer while still retaining the same lovely vividness. I'm going to format this review differently to the last one and go for my usual approach, starting with small comments and then finishing with overall thoughts. Let's get to it!

Small Comments

Yesim started when he saw a moustache hopping directly in front of his line of vision.


I feel like this sentence is unnecessarily wordy. Would 'Yesim started when a moustache hopped directly in front of his line of vision' be more to-the-point?

The entire post office was an odd hodge-podge of stairs and landings, with some doors opening onto the maze of stairs itself--apparently, the building was a two-hundred-year-old war relic. Some high-ranking officer had lived here, and had designed his home as a paranoid experiment in bewilderment.


I love this backstory! Your setting really bristles with personality.

The pop-up stores from the week-long summer festival stood flat and listless in the heat, their striped awnings and click-counters folded up like card paper props in a shadow play.


This is such a beautiful sentence. I'm not exaggerating when I say you write some of the best similes I've ever read on YWS.

The Symbolists were a new religion--a strange occult sort, Yesim had told him last week, when they had gotten yet another order for poster-printing and delivery for 'The Gathering' as they called it.


I don't think you need that last part, given that the quotation marks already suggest these aren't Yesim or Rén's words. Deleting it would stop the sentence tipping into overly lengthy territory, too.

And--currently, Rén supposed


Something I've noticed about you is that you overuse dashes. Most of the time, they're appropriate for the context, but I see you putting them in places where full stops and commas - or, in this case, no punctuation at all - would be more suitable. 'And currently, Rén supposed' would do fine.

In Shi Jiāng, the idea of a renovation was tantamount to sacrilege. And so it was considered normal for wildflowers and weeds to grow around the carefully-carved stone


1) You can delete some words from that first sentence.

2) I'm not against starting a sentence with 'and', but don't overdo it. It's best done for a purpose - to deliberately offset the rhythm or throw one item of a list into particular focus. Here, I don't think it adds anything, so the full stop would be better as a comma. You could scrap the 'and' entirely, actually, and just have 'renovation was tantamount to sacrilege, so it was considered normal for...'

3) I love the whole concept of people being against renovation. It gives me a great sense of the culture, as well as fleshing out how the place looks.

-and recoiled visibly when her gaze settled on Rén's face.


Given that you're describing them at all, it's fairly obvious that her actions are visible.

His greasy, slicked-back hair shone brightly in the sun, the roundness of his head reminding Rén of a doorknob.


Another spot-on simile. I actually smiled as I read this.

'That material--in summer?'

Abalone shrugged, wiping the sweat that beaded his forehead. 'I didn't think it through,' he admitted.


This made me laugh.

'I don't need to interview you--I'll just ask Yesim instead.


The dash is excusable, but I still think a full stop is more appropriate given that you have two independent clauses here.

Rén could see a huge marble-floored courtyard--and in the middle of it, a circular, slightly-raised platform.


Once again, I think a comma would fit better than a dash.

Rén saw Huā running around the stage, her arms full of what looked like peacock feathers; her distinctive pale hair rippled like a candleflame amongst all the other dark-haired girls in the crowd.

'Looks like this thing's going to be a big one,' Abalone said. 'Her highness is attending--there, the throne on the steps, look. My landlord was right, she does look sickly still.'

Rén snorted. 'And your theory is that the Moon Emperor is poisoning her?'


I got a bit confused when I read this. Because the focus was on Huā, I first interpreted the dialogue to mean that she was this sickly royal, which I assume is not the case. Perhaps, after Abalone's dialogue, you could have Rén shift his eyes towards the throne; that would clarify Huā and the royal to be different people.

Overall Thoughts

1) As I said at the beginning, this chapter feels fresher and stronger and much easier to follow. You've definitely toned down your prose, though it still feels beautifully quirky and evocative. You put words on the page with such confidence. It's not just the words you use, either, but how you fit them together; there's a real sweeping rhythm to how you write that gives the whole thing a professionalism.

2) I like that this part gives us a deeper insight into Rén's character. I'm interested in his distaste for religion and where it stems from. I'm left wondering whether the Symbolists are truly bad news or whether Rén is just biased against them, though I suspect the former. I really like the way the story is leaning towards this mess of politics and royalty and religion, and it feels like you're doing a great job of making it realistically complicated.

3) Abalone already fascinates me. He seems like a real oddball, even against a backdrop like this. His wearing velvet in the heat cracked me up so much. I like seeing the contrast between him and Rén, as well, what with Rén detesting this religious gathering and Abalone seeming genuinely curious about it.

4) The Fire Dog part was interesting, but a bit confusing. I'm intrigued by the yellow crystal and how it's going to cause trouble for Rén, but I feel like Yesim's whole encounter with that creature kind of gets lost among the rest of the chapter. Because everything about the setting is so odd, it's hard to distinguish between strange-for-the-reader moments and strange-for-the-characters moments, which means I struggle to pick out a central conflict of hook. It's not a massive problem for me, because I'm interested in pretty much everything this story is offering, but it probably would be worth making the first chapter feel a bit less full-on. There's just so much stuff to adjust to that it's hard to feel shocked by each new development, if that makes sense. It might be better if you could find a way to stagger the weirdness, at least slightly.

I think that's about all I've got to say for this one! I'm really enjoying this. Once I settled into the chapter, it got its hooks into me and I had to read it right the way through. There's something so dreamlike and addictive yet fiercely real about the world it's set in. I'm looking forward to the next bit, though I might not get round to reviewing it today.

Final note: I don't know if you're actually interested in getting line-by-line edits like those I did in the small comments, especially given that this is a first draft. If they're not useful to you, do let me know, and I'll just focus on broader things in future reviews. :)

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

thank you for the review! <3 i do find the line-by-line edits very helpful, actually, because they help me pick up certain consistencies/habits that i can work on in the long-term. (your small comments pertain to broader stylistic things as well, and i appreciate them very much!)



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