Young Writers Society

<3

This really well written, it uses very emotive language. I'd never really thought about that aspect of the book before. Please don't stop writing.

This is amazing. I had to stop reading, though, or I would have cried.

Hello Pompadour! I loved this poem that you wrote, not so long ago. Just wanted to stop by and say hello and like your poem and see what it is about. I was a bit bored today, so I came on YWS and found this nice piece to read.

Wait, this was fan fiction? Oops... For what again? I'm never really good with telling fiction and fan fiction apart so I always have to ask, which is rather embarrassing. But you and I are friends, so we're cool! Who exactly is Fred and what is this? Wait, is this from Harry Potter? Then why does it say, "Always yours, Forge"? Anyway, I hope to see some more of your work! Pompadour is awesome!

~ Magenta

This is a great work of fan fiction. Usually someone would write about romance or how it should of ended, but you chose to write about something that had deep meaning. It brought back memories of when I read the Harry Potter books, and when Fred died I could not believe it. Fred was my favorite Weasly twin, so his death had a great impact on me. What I truly loved about your piece was that you tied in deep, poetic literature in your fan fiction, which truly made it a work of art. Keep writing.
-TheResilentDreamer

Hey there~

This is actually quite good. I normally don't enjoy fanfiction particularly, but I've read all the books and saw all the movies, so I know what you're talking about in here, and I figured to drop a review.

Firstly, I shall admit (taking the risk of getting stalked and killed repeatedly by most of the other reviewers, as much as I see) that I didn't cry at Fred's death scene. More so, I didn't even particularly care. I mean, I loved Fred and George and all that, but his death was rushed, stuffed in there with a bunch of others so it'd prove the meaninglessness of war and whatnot, but it wasn't actually given enough attention to make me feel or think anything more than "aw, Fred. Too bad George is left alone now. Let's move on." But going into that further would be reviewing the Harry Potter books instead of your work, so I'll skip to my point.

With this poem, with these letters, it seems to me like you've managed to give his death the depth and meaning it deserved. That's why I like it, and it actually hit me as far sadder now than when I read it in the book for the first time. I'm really fond of the way you portray that side of George. His sadness is showed in a very believable way, especially seeing as they were twins, so inseparable and looking the same and practically thinking the same all the time..

That said, though, a small critique regarding George's character. I can imagine he'd really miss his brother, and I can imagine he could even lose his ability to turn everything into a joke and just move on, but I think that, when writing to Fred, he'd make attempts to make jokes nonetheless, like some sort of token to his twin. I mean, he joked when he lost his ear - sure, this is far more serious, and would affect him much more, but I would've liked to see more attempts of seeing things the usual amusing way, the way he misses so much.
The poem wouldn't be less sad because of that, nor would it affect people less, because through those attempts of jokes, a shadow of someone he used to share them with and the sense of emptiness which came with losing that someone would be definitely visible and maybe feel even more shockingly real. It'd bring back memories, and make people unable to keep serious even if tears are streaming down their faces.

On a similar note, I liked the part where he mentioned spells, I would've liked to see more magic/spells references as well.. Simply because they grew up in the wizard world, it'd be their normal way of thinking and speaking.

So, those are the things that'd probably make me like this more, but regardless of them I really do like it. It's very cute, especially the Gred and Forge part, and gives Fred's death the attention it really deserves. It didn't make me cry, because I seldom cry on anything I read, but it did make me feel sad about them, and it also made me want to reread those books :3
So thanks for all that!

Aria~

This is absolutely amazing Pompadour! This is undoubtedly one f the saddest moments in the Harry Potter series, so it is lovely to find some poetry about it.
I was a little confused by the Forge Gred switch over, but on reflection I see how you were illustrating the strong tie between the twins.
My favorite line was undoubtedly "I hope my son'll be like you, you prat.", because the insult characterizes their relationship perfectly.
Finally, the rhythm, as well as being poetic, mirrored that of a letter really well.
Keep up the (favorite adjective here) work!
Take That You Fiend!

This was just.. It.. it..
<3
I'm really sad now. ;-;
Great poem. That was wonderful.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would you do this to me!? Oh my gosh so good I can't. So good! I need to go be with my emotions right now, good work.

SO SAD!!!!!!

Ugh, I was heartbroken when I read about Fred dying (more than six years ago), and this just broke my heart all over again. Well done with this. My eyes got all teary.

Harry Potter was one of my absolute favorite book series of all time, so thanks for reminding me of it (even if it was in a super depressing way).

Anyway, these letters were just very poetic and beautiful, and the way George wrote them really shattered my heart. You're a great writer, and I hope you continue. The emotion was raw and real, from beginning to end, and there's nothing at all for me to nitpick.

My favorite part was:

"I can't laugh anymore, Fred.
I don't know why.
I tried laughing today, but it didn't work.
I ended up crying instead.
I feel like a waterfall: an empty, opaque slate.
I learned today that the glass is never half-full.
And it is not filled with lemonade,
but with a bitter poison."

Just so, so beautiful. I'm so depressed now....

Anyway, hope I helped!!! Keep writing!!!!

Timmy here for a review!

Boo-hoo-hoo. I am going to cry here. Just kidding. You did tell me you would write this poem... which seems like a story too... and a letter... and a poem... all mixed into one! Awesome job!!!

So I don't actually know much about Fred... don't kill me here. I hope that is allowed... I have only watched the first five Harry Potters so far...but the others shall follow soon!

Fred seems like a pretty cool guy, or at least you portray him as such. And he and George were always such troublemakers in the ones I watched! Although I don't know who Forge is, I imagine it was his girlfriend or something? Seems like a weird name for a girl.

I am going to hit nitpicks now! *arms gatling gun*

Something I see pretty often in this piece are lines that look like they should be one longer line... I will just show a few to you to see what I mean...

the floorboards quake
beneath my feet.

I see you hiding behind
my glass-shattered irises. ----This line would be too long if you added them together, but... you could make it: I see you hiding behind my glassy irises or something similar

and every time I always think of you. ---I think you could cut out the always there

I'm an avalanche, I tell you.
I've been writing letters to you, ---The you is kind of repetitive

It doesn't just feel like your funeral, Fred.
It feels like mine too. --- Don't make me cry, meanie

Pompadour... how COULD you? *sobs madly* such a powerful piece... *collapses*

Hey Pompadour, Cheetah here to review your poem.

I nearly cried while reading this. Fred's death, for me, was one of the saddest parts in the whole series and I don't think anyone expected it to happen. As I was reading GoldFlame's review I realized that maybe the reason this is so poetic is that there isn't much humor or happiness left in him when he writes these, so he's doing the only thing he can. The flow in this was good, as well as the rhythm.

Why does it hurt, Fred?
Just tell me why it hurts?

It's your funeral today, Fred,
and I feel dead inside.

It doesn't just feel like your funeral, Fred.
It feels like mine too.

Okay, I'm going to admit that I cried a little bit.
Alright, maybe a lot.
This is..great.
That's all!
Good job.

Okay, to review this without bursting into tears...

It was very well-written. I've never imagined George to think so poetically, but the figurative language really tied everything together. It didn't dominate the poem and yet contributed so much to the meaning. I love the lines:

Every time I look into my cobweb eyes,
I see you hiding behind
my glass-shattered irises.

It doesn't just feel like your funeral, Fred.
It feels like mine too.

the shriveling seed of misery
that grows with every passing day.

like I've been splinched, and half the fragments
are strewn in the cyberspace.

I feel like a waterfall; an empty, opaque slate.

I learned today that the glass is never half-full.
And it is not filled with lemonade

"I hate maroon," Ron moaned halfheartedly as he pulled it over his head.

"You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid—we know we're called Gred and Forge."

Why would you write something like that!?! Tears. So many tears. Beautiful. I love the Fred and George letters fanfictions. They get me every single stinking time.

"like I've been splinched and half the fragments"
I would add a comma after splinched in this line.

""'Til death we shalt not part," you said
in your melodramatic fits."
I would also add one after said here. It makes sense without it, but if there's a comma, then the reader pauses, and I think a pause would be great right there.

I can't find anything wrong here, so I hope those little grammar adjustments might help you a little. Thank you for writing this, and for sharing.