Hello, Pomeroy!
I’m not going to introduce myself, because I’m socially awkward. Let’s get right to it.
For starters, I particularly enjoyed that you put in just the right touch of hints about the scenario and environment that this short story takes place in. I’m not sure if you ever have made a prequel to this, or if this is just another chapter in something you wrote earlier, and if you do, I haven’t seen or read them. It’s easy for the reader to understand that this whole thing takes place in an apocalyptic scenario, and you do a good job of setting the scene without actually setting the scene, so to speak.
Your sentence structure is neat, and I only found a few run-ons, but other than that, you have few major structure problems. One thing that would help, however, is if you rechecked your writing once or twice for little mistakes such as two periods at the end of the sentence. Apart from these small problems, I found that you had a good choice of words and did a fine job of separating your writing into paragraphs.
The rating of 16+ was maybe a little too high, I’d think, because between the single time that the word “Shit” came up and the description of that corpse, there wasn’t too much stuff that would limit this story to more mature audiences. Besides, people are constantly exposed to content with lower age ratings that has much worse (I mean gorier, more grotesque, more vulgar (I’m not saying that your writing is bad)) content. Not that this really matters though, because I’m sure that nobody was deterred because of that rating or anything. I honestly don’t even know why I’m pointing this out. It’s not that big of a deal.
Anyway, I don’t exactly see how that title fits. Yes, he does go through the house that this story begins in and yes, he does look through the cars, but based off of the title, I’d think that this story would be about someone who (to put it simply) did a bit more scavenging. As in, their main goal was to find materials for something. I could go more in depth about this, but I’m too lazy and this really isn’t a big deal.
I enjoy how you gave the main character an uncommon name, which seems like a thing that would be stereotypical in an apocalypse. You also made a good choice of arming them with just a knife, since if they had just your average gun, that would have both made the suspenseful part a bit less suspenseful, as well as given them an easier way to complete their goal. The reason I say this is that hardships and challenges are a good part of any story. You showed this well throughout your story, limiting the main character.
Speaking about that scene, I particularly enjoyed how you descibed their mockery when they were shouting at the main character, as well as how they seemed like apocalyptic-type people. I could easily envision them, as well as their rugged surroundings, which you did an amazing job of describing.
In summary, you had few structural mistakes, the story itself was excellent, and you deliver on making it all just seem real. Great job on this short story. Keep writing!
Quod Bona,
Constantine
Points: 200
Reviews: 2
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