z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Pride Goeth Before the Fall 1

by Pomeroy


Part 1.

It was tradition for Esra to have a celebratory night on the town after landing a job. This is what took her and her closest friend, Bridget, to Magnum Pride's Annual Art Show. Magnum Pride was an eccentric artist to match his eccentric name, and someone who Esra was endlessly inspired by. His paintings just somehow screamed the emotions she was unable to articulate herself. As a girl she aspired to become an artist herself, but her parents quickly discouraged her. As one was a successful businessman, and the other a lawyer, they couldn't stand idly by as their only child chose a career path that, according to them was, "Bound to leave you on the streets!"

So, she lived vicariously through Pride's work instead. His rise to fame was a quick one. Critics predicted this was a sure sign of a quick fall, as well, but Pride had managed to stay consistently relevant for the last four years. And Esra had kept up with him all the way.

She currently stood in front of his most recent piece, a small canvas titled, "Ghost Kisses." Esra didn't want to blink as she tried to soak it all in. To most, it might have just looked like wispy, sporadic strokes of a brush, but to her, the grey-scale shapes were placed so precisely, so delicately.

"Es, hear this with love, 'cause you know I love you, but this is the most boring waste of a Saturday night." Bridget spoke, coming up beside her and glancing briefly at Ghost Kisses. "I know I said I wouldn't mind tagging along, but..."

Bridget was nearly a head taller than Esra, and built like a model. Esra knew how long her exhausting morning routine took, but to anyone else, her brown curls, natural makeup look and even the choice of her outfit would probably look effortless. Bridget wasn't exactly a party girl, but she definitely wasn't an art gallery kind of girl either.

Esra took one more long lingering look at Ghost Kisses before turning to her friend. "Alright, we can go."

Bridget could barely contain her excitement to be out of that "stuffy, life draining gallery," as they exited out into the busy evening streets. The smell of rain and wet asphalt punctured the air. Though her friend rambled on about her recent life events, Esra's mind wondered, trying to imagine how Pride might try visualise those smells.

✧ ✧ ✧

Today was the big day. Esra sat patiently in a booth at the back of a rather shady restaurant. She grimaced as she watched the chef through the door to the kitchen sneeze, putting little to no effort to shield his dish from his germs. She would have much rather preferred to go somewhere half decent, but the location was up to her employer. She had learned over the years of being a hitman that the location her employer chose spoke a lot about who they were.

In this case, Esra surmised, this employer wasn't very experienced in these kinds of dealings. If they were, they would have chosen a place less discrete. Not that experience warrants a lack of caution, but Esra found discretion wasn't as necessary as most would assume for this portion of the job. Most people don't pay much attention to the people around them, so the patio of, say, a coffeehouse wouldn't be any more or less dangerous than this hole in a wall diner straight out of a health inspector's worst nightmare.

She pulled a folder from her bag, laying it out on the table. She wanted one last look at the file she'd put together before her client got here. She had concluded, in the least offensive way possible, that he was pretty unspectacular. Jackson Tay, 29, graduated high school with a below average GPA and hadn't had a stable job since. 

Just then, the front door opened and a rather weaselly looking man slipped inside. He was thin, and his hair was a mop of greasy black curls. He made his way to Esra's booth and, after a hesitant pause, asked, "Are you Mrs. Wyatt?"

"Ms." She corrected, and gesturing to the seat across from her. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Tay. Please, sit down."

He complied, sliding into the booth. He dug a rather worn white envelope from his back pocket and slid it across the table to her. "Here's half of it, just like you said. And all the information I could get on him."

Esra restrained from rolling her eyes as she grabbed the envelope. Could he be any more conspicuous? She glanced to the kitchen door and saw the chef watching them. Catching her gaze, he averted his eyes, but he was sure to go back to watching once she looked away. She put the envelope into her bag.

"You're not going to count it?"

"Do I have reason not to trust you, Mr. Tay?" Esra asked, gathering the rest of her things back into her bag.

"I s'pose not." He mumbled. "So you can do it?"

Esra nodded. "I'll spend the week looking over it and gathering information. There's a process to these things, you know." She explained. "But I can almost assure you, whoever it is," she patted the pocket with the envelope, "they'll be out of your hair in no time."

Later that night when Esra got home, the envelope was left on kitchen counter, where it stayed untouched for the next several days.

She couldn't come up with any valid reasons why she procrastinated on looking at it. She supposed she just felt it didn't deserve any immediate attention. Based off of who gave it to her, she assumed the job would be quick and simple, so leaving it be for a short time wouldn't do any harm. But on a particularly slow night, Bridget wasn't home, the wifi was out, and Esra was left with herself and her thoughts, she decided then would be a good time to look through the information Mr. Tay had given her on his target.

She brewed a fresh pot of coffee, and took her time making a cup for herself before sitting at the dining table and tearing the envelope open. The contents were as such; half the payment for her services, and several folded papers that no doubt held the secrets of her target. She took a sip from her coffee as she unfolded the papers.

She choked, dropping her mug directly into her lap, coffee splashing everywhere. The burn of the coffee seeping into her clothes barely phased her as she sat staring into the eyes of the picture of her target.

Magnum Pride.

A/N: This is one heck of a rough draft, so go hog wild, fellas.


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User avatar
140 Reviews


Points: 249
Reviews: 140

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Sun Apr 07, 2019 7:25 pm
Anma wrote a review...



Hello Pomeroy!

Anma here to review!

This is a really nice peace. I really like the tittle you had for it. It really caught my attention. The story its self is really nice, and i enjoyed reading it. Its really creative, and i love how you started it. I did fined some things you may want to fix though.

1.It was (a) tradition for Esra to have a celebratory night on the town after landing a job.

2.Magnum Pride was an eccentric artist to match his eccentric name( )and someone who Esra was endlessly inspired by. (No need for a coma)

3.As a girl(,) she aspired to become an artist herself, but her parents quickly discouraged her.

4.Bridget was nearly a head taller than Esra( )and built like a model.
No need for a coma

5.Though her friend rambled on about her recent life events, Esra's mind wondered, trying to imagine how Pride might try (to) (visualize) those smells.

You also seem to have a lot of overused words. To make it seem better try not to do that. If you need to use a word for it, just look up a synonym and replace it.


Either than that its Amazing! My favorite thing about this is how you expressed the character, and describing what she likes. I would keep doing that, its a great thing to have in a story. :)

Keep up the good work!

Hope to read more!

Sincerely
Anma




User avatar
235 Reviews


Points: 6841
Reviews: 235

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Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:53 am
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey, Che here for a review!

I'll start with any areas I see that could do with some improvements!


His paintings just somehow screamed the emotions she was unable to articulate herself.

In my opinion you don't need "the" before emotions. It flows better without it.

As a girl she aspired to become an artist herself, but her parents quickly discouraged her.

To make this sound a little better, I would rephrase it as "As a girl, she had aspired to become an artist herself, however her parents had been quick to discourage her."

As one was a successful businessman, and the other a lawyer, they couldn't stand idly by as their only child chose a career path that, according to them was, "Bound to leave you on the streets!"

You already started the previous sentence with "As" so I would also rephrase this one to something like: "One was a successful businessman, and the other a lawyer; they couldn't bare to stand idly by as their only child chose a career path that was, according to them...."

Critics predicted this was a sure sign of a quick fall, as well, but Pride had managed to stay consistently relevant for the last four years. [/quote
This is a pretty long sentence, so I would stop after "fall" and cut out "As well" and start the next sentence with "Somehow Pride had..."

She currently stood in front of his most recent piece, a small canvas titled, "Ghost Kisses."

I would add in "was" after "she" : "She was currently..."

Though her friend rambled on about her recent life events, Esra's mind wondered, trying to imagine how Pride might try visualise those smells.

I would change "Though" to "As"

but Esra found discretion wasn't as necessary as most would assume for this portion of the job.

I would change is to "as most would assume it was..."

She pulled a folder from her bag, laying it out on the table.

I would change it to "and laid it out on the table" just because the mixture of the two tenses could be a little confusing for the reader.

She glanced to the kitchen door and saw the chef watching them

I would add in "over" after "glanced"

Later that night when Esra got home, the envelope was left on kitchen counter

I would rephrase the bit after the comma to "she left the envelope on the kitchen counter"

She couldn't come up with any valid reasons why she procrastinated on looking at it. She supposed she just felt it didn't deserve any immediate attention

I would link these two sentences together with a semi-colon

But on a particularly slow night, Bridget wasn't home, the wifi was out, and Esra was left with herself and her thoughts, she decided then would be a good time to look through the information Mr. Tay had given her on his target.

This is a very long sentence. I would have "Bridget wasn't home, the wifi was out, and Esra was left alone with her thoughts" inside brackets () just to cut it up a little.

She brewed a fresh pot of coffee, and took her time making a cup for herself before sitting at the dining table and tearing the envelope open

I would avoid having "her time" and "herself" in the same sentence so perhaps take out "for herself" as it doesn't really serve a purpose.

The contents were as such;

This should be a colon : not a semi-colon as it's the start of a list

She choked, dropping her mug directly into her lap, coffee splashing everywhere.

I would swap around the words so it's "Splashing coffee everywhere"

The burn of the coffee seeping

I would change this to "The burning sensation of the coffee..."

Right, I'm done being pedantic now!

I actually adore this story. It has everything a great story needs. The beginning drew me in, the middle had action and suspense and the ending had a cliffhanger. The description was amazingly vivid and I really felt as though I was there! However, I would have liked to know a little more about Esra, and why she became a hitman, etc. I would also like to know more about Bridget; it seemed like her character was only there to drive the plot forward, same with the chef.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this and reviewing it! If you ever continue the story please let me know as I'm pretty enthralled by it all now!

Keeping writing!

Regards, Che :-)





People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore