Young Writers Society

Hey Pomeroy, pretty solid-looking short right there. I'm just scouting for some shorts to try out a new, rapid-fire style of reviewing, and here I am. It's pretty short to boot, too. I'll answer the questions you have there, then add in some other comments I have on this. Let's begin.

1. The ending doesn't feel rushed for me. However, the epiphany of Fargo's deepest desires does feel rushed. The way you wrote it, it seemed like she was scared, then just a few seconds later she realized, yeah, I like killing people. To me, that seems to be a very unnatural change of mindset. I would expect her to be a little more shook for a little longer before coming to that realization, knowing how grave the sin she committed was. It's very un-human for her to switch gears that quickly, almost robotic.

2. Hugo is fine, but I have complaints with the Lady and Fargo's characters.

I'll start with the Lady. You described Hugo's appearances and mannerisms enough to form an image of the guy (some awkward, nerdy glasses kid), but you just leave the Lady at her physical appearances, for a moment leaving me without a proper and concrete image of her. All we know outside of that is that she's got a pretty pleasant voice, but that ain't enough. Although you do breathe some life into her later on, I still get bugged by that inconsistency in your consistently solid descriptions.

As for Fargo, she initially doesn't seem to be someone who'd find joy in killing. I mean, killers don't seem like they're killers. But the way you characterize her, she just seems to be an ordinary person. She doesn't show any signs of psychopathy, sociopathy, nihilism, cynicism, pessimism or any other forms of brokenness that could tempt Fargo to willingly commit murder. She just seems like a quiet, introverted everyman who wouldn't hurt a fly. That "idiots" line of hers isn't anything particularly alarming, by the way. It's an ordinary response for ordinary people who don't like drunkards.

So when the epiphany came around that she was a murderer in the inside, I was a little shook. Wasn't she just a quiet, introverted everyman? Quiet, introverted everymen won't delight in murder; they would break down and get traumatized. Maybe if you add something like psychopathy or nihilism to her character early on, then we might be able to buy more into her becoming a murderer.

3. The dialogue between Fargo and Hugo was plain, but not awkward. Maybe in some parts, but not everywhere. When a conversation is getting awkward, there is an underlying tension felt because someone is trying to continue the conversation. I don't quite feel that tension. I think it's probably because your writing is smooth in that portion.

"Fargo simply nodded, and once again silence prevailed. Hugo didn't attempt to spark another conversation. Instead he hesitantly slid his textbooks back in front of him and continued to work, leaving Fargo to wait standing before him."

This is an example of your smooth writing, but it pops up in between some of the dialougue. Your usage of commas elongates and slows down the reading of the sentences, making it feel a little more graceful. But that's not how awkward feels like. It also feels detached from the situation, like some reporter recounting the events to me. Maybe if you break up the sentences into smaller ones, then the story might feel more edgy, more in-the-moment, more tense.

4. To be honest, that killing scene didn't feel like a real murderer's killing scene. Killing satisfies the human urge of freedom and destruction, and that's the thrill of it. Society constantly constrains you with all its rules and expectations; study well, love your parents, get a good job, don't do this, don't do that, etc. Society just clamps down on you all the time. But once you reach that breaking point, you just feel the visceral urge to scream, break free, go overdrive, and bash someone's head in with a candlestick.

The way Fargo killed the Lady isn't how murderers murder. The way she killed was still bound by the rules of society. Self-defence asks of you to only use force that is needed to suppress the threat you're facing, nothing more. Fargo did just that. Two whacks to the head, then nothing more.

But if she was a real killer, she would go beyond just killing the Lady. She would use excessive force to kill the threat. She would do something horrible, like gouge her eyes out, or break her arm before killing her, or just bash her in the head again and again and and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again until there's nothing left but blood and pulp on the floor.

Those are the answers to the four questions I have, but I have one last complaint.

Why didn't Hugo hear the commotion happening nearby? He didn't have any earphones on or anything like that. He wasn't like, two miles away from the site of the murder. The room of the murder wasn't implied to be fully soundproofed either. There was plenty of reason for the guy to at least suspect that something wrong was happening.

Anyways, that's my review. If you didn't get anything, don't hesitate to tell me. I hope you've learned something new from this one. I also hope that I'll meet you again through your works. But until then, just keep writing.

-outvaders

Oh I love this! The characters felt alive and Hugo was relatable. I felt intimidated by the Lady. One thing is that i think was missing was a a contrast in the her feelings after she kills the lady, something like she felt in control or along those lines. Also I think in the beginning there should be something to tell us why she wanted to go there, or how she knows about the place. Something like, "She felt so lost, just another drop in the ocean. She wanted to know who she was or what i was meant to do. That's when Fargo saw an advertisement on the papers that caught her attention." or something like that. It was also the perfect length. Please keep uploading things like this, I'd love to read more!

Oh I love this! The characters felt alive and Hugo was relatable. I felt intimidated by the Lady. One thing is that i think was missing was a a contrast in the her feelings after she kills the lady, something like she felt in control or along those lines. Also I think in the beginning there should be something to tell us why she wanted to go there, or how she knows about the place. Something like, "She felt so lost, just another drop in the ocean. She wanted to know who she was or what i was meant to do. That's when Fargo saw an advertisement on the papers that caught her attention." or something like that. It was also the perfect length. Please keep uploading things like this, I'd love to read more!

Pomeroy, that was just great! I mean usually the stories are just too long to get through and I find myself dropping off halfway. Not with this story though; You've got a great sense of writing. Dialogue was beautiful, descriptions great. This story didn't really need much reviewing. One thing I found would improve the piece would be to add a little background about Fargo as the story went. It adds more dimension to your characters. You can add this by linking some person she sees with a relative/ close friend or maybe a small description that reminds her of something of her past (good or bad).
The first time we meet Hugo was one of the best parts in the story. Amazingly natural.
Great job!!! Keep writing and I'll surely be reading your work.

Pomeroy, that was just great! I mean usually the stories are just too long to get through and I find myself dropping off halfway. Not with this story though; You've got a great sense of writing. Dialogue was beautiful, descriptions great. This story didn't really need much reviewing. One thing I found would improve the piece would be to add a little background about Fargo as the story went. It adds more dimension to your characters. You can add this by linking some person she sees with a relative/ close friend or maybe a small description that reminds her of something of her past (good or bad).
The first time we meet Hugo was one of the best parts in the story. Amazingly natural.
Great job!!! Keep writing and I'll surely be reading your work.

Hi, Pomeroy!
Oh my word, this was GREAT! I honestly have hated every single story concerning this kind of magic. They always creeped me out. But you've totally succeeded in pulling off an amazing story that flows right into what The Lady saw. Allow me to just... *stands & claps*

1) The end feels especially rushed to me. What do you think?
I didn't find the ending rushed at all. To be honest, I rather enjoyed it. It was probably one of my favorite parts. You give us some insight with that last statement that murder is Fargo's deepest desires, and that clues the reader in to what she'll be doing with the rest of her life.

2) Are the characters consistent?
The characters are amazing, my friend. You've established The Lady and Hugo perfectly. I had no problem with them whatsoever. I did struggle a little with Fargo, however. I'm getting the impression she's merely a teenager here, but other than that and the fact she belittles herself compared to the Lady's gorgeous appearance, I know nothing else about her. What she looks like, how old she is, any background that compelled her to visit the Lady. That latter part is essential, I would think, to the story.

3) Is the dialogue too dry? It's meant to be awkward and one sided (between Fargo and Hugo). Did I achieve that, or was it just painful to read?
It wasn't painful to read, and I saw nothing that made the conversation awkward between them. Fargo just seemed as if she wanted to get straight to the meeting, and Hugo appeared very friendly. I only found this wording awkward:

Hugo leaned against the counter. "Are you nervous? I've never done it either. I've always been too nervous. Some people leave all giddy, or just calm. But sometimes others will leave angry, spitting curses, or sobbing their eyes out." He explained, "I can never pull myself to do it."

Slowly, she retrieved the candlestick once more. She exited the room, back into the lobby. Hugo still sat at the counter. He looked up at her, his ready smile quickly turned to a look of confusion and terror.
"Fargo, what are you doing?"

"What the... hell." She gasped.

Wow! This story took me by surprise big time! Also, I loved the description of the city in the beginning because it reminded me of New York (not that I've ever been there, but seems like all the descriptions I have heard of NY).

Fargo scarily got to her feet.

Hi there! I'll answer your questions as best as I can. Number 1: I didn't think the ending was especially rushed, I rather enjoyed it. It was a nice ending. Number 2: The characters are just right. Number 3: I found the dialogue just fine. Number 4: The fight scene. I found it pretty good, I mean, a little more terror somehow incorporated would make it perfect. I would make the ending a little more suspenseful, other than that, It was an interesting story. Keep writing!