So....this is the second season of The Great Pokemon Adventures! Ethan and Mie will continue to adventure through the Pokemon World!
"Hey, um Ethan...."
"Yeah?"
"Guess what? I found a diamond!"
Ethan smiled so much, that his face was stuck for a while. He was mad until they reached the Pokemon Center.
"Woah...."
The Pokemon Center was made of diamond. The island also looked like it had a gym.
"Ethan, the next gym is ....Poison Type?"
It was strange for a poison type gym to be in a very rocky place, but Ethan has already challenged a Rock Gym...
"Hey, who are they?", asked Mie. She was pointing to two people with blue clothes.
"They are Tate and Liza, leaders of the Mossdeep City Gym from Hoenn!"
Mie started having a flashback! She remembered when she had challenged them back in Hoenn. She lost the first time, but won after that.
"Wow!"
She ran up to them, and shouted some stuff.
"STOP IT!"
Ethan didn't like when Mie kept shouting when people where close to her. He pushed Mie to the side.
"Can you give me your autographs?'
"Sorry, but we don't give them.". said Liza.
Mie stood behind Tate.
"Hey where did you get your name Tate?"
They kept asking questions, until Liza pushed Ethan and Mie away.
"They must live in really deep moss..."
There was a laugh in the background. It was another Team Saturn Grunt. Everyone screamed, and Nurse Joy woke up.
"Why did you wake me up so early in the morning?"
Then she realized there were Grunts there. She also screamed when she saw them.
'AAAAaaaahhh!"
She hit the Saturn Grunt with a pan, pot, Audino, bricks, and more! The grunt fell to the ground, and ran away.
"Well.....that was wierd....", said Ethan.
Quilava came out of its Pokeball.
" Quil!", it said dancing around.
It was happy about the grunt leaving. Tate, and Liza invited them to the beach.
"Sure, we can go!", said Mie.
Mie looked behind her only to see that Ethan disappeared.
"Ethan? Where are you?"
Suddenly, she heard Ethan's voice.
"Heeeelp!"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Knight Dragon, here to review!
So, I haven't read any of the other adventures, but since this is the first of a new season I'm going to at least make an attempt to understand the plot. But I will give technical advice...
[Here]Technical:
"Hey, um Ethan...."
"Yeah?"
"Guess what? I found a diamond!"
Who says this? I need names to go with the quotes in the beginning. Later on, you can drop a few nametags, but in the beginning, I need to know who says what.
"Ethan smiled so much, that his face was stuck for a while." Delete the comma. It's unnecessary.
"Hey, who are they?", <- That is your comma, not mine. Get rid of it.
"She ran up to them, and shouted some stuff." This tells me nothing. What did she shout? Why was she shouting? (I'll assume I'm missing a character development thing from earlier).
"They kept asking questions, until they pushed Ethan and Mie away." Who are the "they"s here? That's really confusing.
That's all for now. Hope this helps!
Read the first season on the account:Pokemonlover545
Hi there!
Weird*
Don't do that. The comma isn't needed because you have an exclamation mark.
My biggest nitpick is how short this is. Not necessarily in chapter length, which I think you could do better with, but with the sentences themselves. Much too short. You could do better to add in some filter. What do I mean by that? I mean - details and imagery. You're basically telling us what's going on. I don't want an announcer, I want a storyteller that will help me see the story myself. Make sense?
Besides that, it seems good so far. I'm entirely focused upon the diamonds and is this a new type of Pokemon you're trying to introduce? Be sure to link me to the next chapter!
~Iggy
It's only part 1 of chapter 1