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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Drinking

by Pokeberry111


Clink, Bap, goes the ring on the sink.

The girl falls down, and her cry goes deep

Running never helped and nothing ever could

Cause this girl was lost, just all were and would

Clink, Bap, goes her head on the floor

Her vision is blurry and her thoughts are no more

Her vision is blurry and her thoughts are no more

She just wants a break and a solemn truth to find

Clink, Bap, goes her body to the ground

Her life is falling apart and her thoughts are no more

She just wants the peace of a normal and happy life

Just to be free from the hands that hold her down…

Clink, Bap, goes the door to the room

As people stair to watch the girl falling apart

As she loses her mind, as she loses her mind

They don’t get how she has suffered and been deprived

Clink, Bap, goes the one that cared

The one stayed, the who flared

He was her only friend, the only string of hope

The only part that kept her as one

Clink, Bap, goes the one that cared

As he lifted her head and shed a tear

He holds her close and weeps for a friend

That is no longer living and no longer here

Clink, Bap, goes her soul to above

To the new home of and new home of love

She will be better and much more free

She wanted this, but mean it to happen

Clink, Bap, Goes the rage of a friend

The rage of a caregiver the rage of a loss

The loss of the one who helped and suffered

The one who needed to trust more than others

Clink, Bap goes the others standing and watching

She was just a girl, lost in a world

She just needed some help and some advice after all

She just needs some help and some advice after all


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9 Reviews


Points: 210
Reviews: 9

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Thu Apr 08, 2021 4:24 pm
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vanillavelvet13 says...



The repetition of the poem really is amazing, I really loved the poem.




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48 Reviews


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Reviews: 48

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Sat Apr 03, 2021 4:49 pm
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LilPWilly says...



There are a lot of typos, but I like the repetition and concept!




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242 Reviews


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Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:43 am
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Spearmint wrote a review...



Wow! This is a beautiful poem, and I can really feel all the emotions that must have gone into writing it. To me, one of the most powerful lines is "Running never helped and nothing ever could"; it truly conveys a sense of hopelessness and pain in the beginning of the poem. And I also love how you use the onomatopoeia "bap", because it isn't a common word and so the reader is able to imagine different ways of hearing it. Overall, excellent job with this poem! :]

Another thing I wanted to talk about is the repetition of "Clink, Bap." To me, it works and gives the poem a sense of cohesiveness and organization, but I was wondering if you might consider changing it up at the end? I feel like that could give an extra pop to the poem. For example, maybe in the line, "Clink, Bap goes the others standing and watching," you could make it "Clink, Bap... Sigh" or something instead. Alternatively, you could also try putting "Clink, Bap" or a version of it at the very end of the poem (but at the same time, I do like the current ending lines you have). So this is all totally optional; just some thoughts! ^-^

Oop and a super tiny detail: in the line "As people stair to watch the girl falling apart" I think "stair" should be "stare"? Probably a typo C:

And the last thing I'd like to cover is the title. It was interesting to try to figure out why this poem might be titled "Drinking"-- maybe "Clink, Bap" represents the sound of a glass of water? Or maybe the poem's about a drinking addiction? Whichever way you meant, I thought it was pretty neat that the title doesn't seem directly related to the poem; it made me ponder the poem's meaning more.

Overall it was a pleasure to read this, and I hope you keep writing! ^-^




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21 Reviews


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Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:35 am
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TheClosetWriter wrote a review...



As a girl who has been lost many times throughout the past, this poem had a very strong emotional affect on me. Most members of society aren't aware of how difficult it is to become a woman in modern times. With current expectations and anxieties, it is easy to fall apart but never impossible to become whole once more. Others often try to help us however, even they can fail to offer proper help and advice. Rage, self-loathing, depression and depression affects not only those suffering from being lost themselves but those who care for them. My only suggestion for this piece is to separate stanzas and revisit syllables per line so as to improve general flow. The themes in this piece are so strong and anyone reading it will be able to see that.





Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead