The repetition of the poem really is amazing, I really loved the poem.
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Clink, Bap, goes the ring on the sink.
The girl falls down, and her cry goes deep
Running never helped and nothing ever could
Cause this girl was lost, just all were and would
Clink, Bap, goes her head on the floor
Her vision is blurry and her thoughts are no more
Her vision is blurry and her thoughts are no more
She just wants a break and a solemn truth to find
Clink, Bap, goes her body to the ground
Her life is falling apart and her thoughts are no more
She just wants the peace of a normal and happy life
Just to be free from the hands that hold her down…
Clink, Bap, goes the door to the room
As people stair to watch the girl falling apart
As she loses her mind, as she loses her mind
They don’t get how she has suffered and been deprived
Clink, Bap, goes the one that cared
The one stayed, the who flared
He was her only friend, the only string of hope
The only part that kept her as one
Clink, Bap, goes the one that cared
As he lifted her head and shed a tear
He holds her close and weeps for a friend
That is no longer living and no longer here
Clink, Bap, goes her soul to above
To the new home of and new home of love
She will be better and much more free
She wanted this, but mean it to happen
Clink, Bap, Goes the rage of a friend
The rage of a caregiver the rage of a loss
The loss of the one who helped and suffered
The one who needed to trust more than others
Clink, Bap goes the others standing and watching
She was just a girl, lost in a world
She just needed some help and some advice after all
She just needs some help and some advice after all
Wow! This is a beautiful poem, and I can really feel all the emotions that must have gone into writing it. To me, one of the most powerful lines is "Running never helped and nothing ever could"; it truly conveys a sense of hopelessness and pain in the beginning of the poem. And I also love how you use the onomatopoeia "bap", because it isn't a common word and so the reader is able to imagine different ways of hearing it. Overall, excellent job with this poem! :]
Another thing I wanted to talk about is the repetition of "Clink, Bap." To me, it works and gives the poem a sense of cohesiveness and organization, but I was wondering if you might consider changing it up at the end? I feel like that could give an extra pop to the poem. For example, maybe in the line, "Clink, Bap goes the others standing and watching," you could make it "Clink, Bap... Sigh" or something instead. Alternatively, you could also try putting "Clink, Bap" or a version of it at the very end of the poem (but at the same time, I do like the current ending lines you have). So this is all totally optional; just some thoughts! ^-^
Oop and a super tiny detail: in the line "As people stair to watch the girl falling apart" I think "stair" should be "stare"? Probably a typo C:
And the last thing I'd like to cover is the title. It was interesting to try to figure out why this poem might be titled "Drinking"-- maybe "Clink, Bap" represents the sound of a glass of water? Or maybe the poem's about a drinking addiction? Whichever way you meant, I thought it was pretty neat that the title doesn't seem directly related to the poem; it made me ponder the poem's meaning more.
Overall it was a pleasure to read this, and I hope you keep writing! ^-^
As a girl who has been lost many times throughout the past, this poem had a very strong emotional affect on me. Most members of society aren't aware of how difficult it is to become a woman in modern times. With current expectations and anxieties, it is easy to fall apart but never impossible to become whole once more. Others often try to help us however, even they can fail to offer proper help and advice. Rage, self-loathing, depression and depression affects not only those suffering from being lost themselves but those who care for them. My only suggestion for this piece is to separate stanzas and revisit syllables per line so as to improve general flow. The themes in this piece are so strong and anyone reading it will be able to see that.
Points: 210
Reviews: 9
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