Young Writers Society

Aw....I knew Tina died, but I never knew the specifics....my eyes started to water....

BUt the reason I started to cry was because I've played with Tina, I've had her sleep at my feet--heck, she's slept on my back before!--I've petted her and I've tossed a stick for her. I knew Tina.

That's what you have to do. You have to get people to know Tina to actually feel for you. You only give us a breif description of her at the begining, then go right into the next part. You should get us to know what it was like throwing a stick for her, or playing tug-og-war with her, and such.

Also; Five senses. You only use sight and hearing. You should use scent, taste (when applicable) and touch. Those are just as important.

Sad story, though. I'm sorry.

It's a sad story, it is. It sucks to lose a pet.

Crit:

I need more emotion, more of the senses as well. You are telling the story, you are narrating a story--to me it feels like you are just giving someone a synopsis of a story as fast as you can and taking out all the feeling. Try some imagery, some "feeling" words, etc, I think it would help this a lot.


Happy editing,
WM

well, I was going to attack the grammar, but Lylah pretty much did that for me.

so, I will do a nit-picky breakdown on it instead. suggestions in blue, corrections in red.


I had a dog named Tina. She was very sweet and loved everybody! She was a red Toy Poodle. Could this all be combined? "Tina was the sweetest, most loving toy poodle..." She loved to go on car rides and would also is "would also" necessary? I don't know, it just sounds kind of wierd. could you say something like "was always eager to?" play a game or two with you. You could tell her to stay and go hide, call her and she could find you. She loved for you to throw a stick so she could go find it, then tear it apart. She could do a lot of tricks (no period) such as: shake your hand, turn in a circle, and even walk on her back legs across the kitchen floor.

She would even sleep on my bed at night. But one night I awoke woke up? because I heard her panting. I took her to her water bowl and she lay down drinking just drinking.I think Laylah's suggestion would fit nicely I got my mom up and she tried to call our vet for over a half and hour. She was the forced to call a vet that lived about an hour away. She got my dad up and got Tina, who was trying to walk but could not.

I sat in the back seat of the car holding my dying dog in my lap. She was very very hot and was still panting very badly heavily?. By the time we got to the vet she was not panting anymore but breathing very very slowly. very is such an overused word. can you find something more descriptive?

The vet took her temperature and put an IV in because she had a temperature of 109. Even if she did live now she would have brain damage and would never ever be the same. "never ever"- again, overused. is the ever necessary?

Not long after that it was clear that she was on her last breath. My mom took my beloved Tina off of the table that the vet was working on and gave her to me saying "Hold you dog for the last time." As I held my dog for the last time my mom and I cried. Within ten or fifteen minutes of getting to the vet my Tina lay dead in my arms.
The vet felt so bad that they didn't even charge us, but i would have payed a thousand dollars or more to have my Tina back. The vet gave us a nice little box to put her in, and later sent us a very nice letter.

My beloved dog Tina now lies in the ground in a nice little box by our grapes. you've said "nice" three times in two sentences.We burried her the morning when it happened and now our house will never be the same. No loving bark as we come in the door and no one to lay by my feet at night.

It's really great, though! the emotions just come right through the words. I think you just need to trust yourself and care a bit more about your writing, and you're golden! and so sorry about Tina. I just lost one of my favorite horses, so I know how you feel.

Gone Fishing said it all! Your story is heartbreakingly sad! as for the writing bit, There are a few spelling errors, which would be well worth your time to fix. Here are the ones I found:

"then tare it apart"
tare should be tear.

"But one night I awoke because I heard her panting. I took her to her water bowl and she laded down drinking just drinking."

This sentence could use some editing. here is how it could be:

"One night I awoke because I heard her panting. I got up and took her to her water bowl, and she lay down, drinking thirstily, andnot stopping even after a few minutes....."

or something along those lines.

"my dieing dog in my lap"
the plural of die is spelled dying.

"The vet felt so bad that they didn't even charge us, but i would have payed a thousand dollars or more to have my Tine back."

i should be I, and it is Tina, not Tine.

"by our grapes. We berried her "
maybe you could say, by our grape vine, or something more descriptive. also, it should be Burried, not Barried.

I think you should spend a little more time editing your work, but you gave a sad story in a way that is very convincing and beleivable. Your emotions come through clearly, and you express yourself very nicely. Really, Really sorry about Tina.

So sad. I have a doggie (a 10 year old german shepherd) and even just thinking about her dying is horrible. I can't imagine living through it.

Okay... now for the critique part.

This might be just me (because I like somewhat happy stories) but I would like more of an introduction of Tina. I mean, you tell us that she loves sticks and stuff, but I want more stories! What experience did you have with her that was simply wonderful? So instead of just telling us what is going on, you would be showing us that there was a deep connection with you and your dog.

So yeah. More descriptions of who Tina was before she died.

Anyway, really sorry. Dogs are too wonderful to die. But I'm sure you'll meet again, and when you do, Tina's tail will be wagging very frantically, I'm sure.