Published June 23, 2011
In a crowd full of faces
In all these different places and in all these vast spaces;
Yours is the face I miss,
Yours are the lips I long to kiss,
Yours is the face that brings me pure bliss,
Yours can save me from this black abyss.
If you look inside you’ll see my souls all sullen
And I’m afraid I must admit – the loneliness has just begun
Yours disappearance is where it originates from.
Now I fear – that there’s more to come.
Behold! What your selfishness has begotten.
Your heart was meant to be mine, or have you forgotten?
How night to night I spend – my broken heart I try to mend
Yet you go on about your everyday,
You act as thought I don’t exist – and that is to my dismay.
I thought you were the biggest prize,
But now I see your love has brought upon my demise;
My demise, my downfall, my drought.
Once again, you came around and filled my heart with nothing but doubt.
Long ago you broke down my insecurities,
That was the time when your love brought me to my knees.
Alas, now, you’ve got me crying, begging. Please:
Just go, and leave my heart alone
Don’t try to text, or mail, or even phone.
Don’t send me flowers,
Or try to make me reminisce of love that was once ours.
When you see me – look the other way,
We both know there’s nothing left to say.
Oh please, just go. Go away.
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138,281 Literary Works • 672,096 Reviews
So sad! The rhyme was really good! So good that I didn't even notice it until halfway through! It flowed well. All I can say is... maybe add a line to the last bit? I mean, I like the ending, but it ends abruptly without another rhyme to finish it up. I don't know, maybe you did that to make it stand out as the final part, but it just sounds weird to me. Oh, you should capatilize the title, too. But other than that it really looks good to me! I can;t thnk of anything else to say that's not totally positive! So anyway, good job, and never stop writing!
-Cammie
So sad! The rhyme was really good! So good that I didn't even notice it until halfway through! It flowed well. All I can say is... maybe add a line to the last bit? I mean, I like the ending, but it ends abruptly without another rhyme to finish it up. I don't know, maybe you did that to make it stand out as the final part, but it just sounds weird to me. Oh, you should capatilize the title, too. But other than that it really looks good to me! I can;t thnk of anything else to say that's not totally positive! So anyway, good job, and never stop writing!
-Cammie
That flowed and inspired. Please don't stop writing.
I liked this opening line- it caught my attention. Original.
This verse confused me, because 'miss', 'kiss', 'bliss', and 'abyss' are all rhyming. None the less, it portrays a good sense of longing.
I deeply relate to this line. Deeply. *hug*
Interesting ending. I like it a lot.
All in all, an amazing poem. Keep writing!
RA
A really beautiful piece!
I enjoyed reading it. I only found a few grammar errors, but nothing big.
I think this would work better as 'your disappearance'.
This one kind of seems that it could go together as one sentence, rather than divided up. But the format it's in now fits well into your struture, so it's up to you.
Okay, that was it for the nit-picks. I really liked your description and the style and flow of your piece. A few of my favorite verses were...
Also, a good solid ending, another of my favorite parts.
Great job!
<..> Kat
I like the poem. I like the end. Oh please, just go. Go away. Love that. I think it would flow better if instead of Yours is the face that brings ME pure bliss, it was Yours is the face that brings pure bliss. Just a suggestion. I like the poem a lot. It's sad, but not too depressing. It's written beautifully. Nice job.