Published April 6, 2006
Small Horrors
the field mouse runs
to seek shelter from the storm,
it trembles in the great wind.
it finds many crumbs
in a ransacked barn full of corn,
where many have sinned.
waves of thunder
shatter the silence,
like a crumbling house.
a cat in a blunder
makes an alliance,
with the quiet mouse.
beside the steadfast stallion
nestled in the straw,
the little mouse lay.
outside pushes on a galleon
the wave gnash and claw,
like the rush on D-day.
this is still in progress haha I didn't spend much time on it yet It just flew out so Yah im fixing it
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Three lines... barely any rhythm... barely any rhyme...
Or forced rhyme....
Alright, there was some rhythm until this point:
"a cat in a blunder
makes an alliance,
with the mouse."
The last line in the others were longer said... this was short...
It was weird.... not something I'd consider... re-reading until it's thouroughly butchered up
Huh? I'm fairly sure you're not referring to the singular form of "lice" so I'm confused as to exactly the word is you're trying to tell me.
Are you personifying the galleon? That is, are you saying "outside" (nature?) is pushing on a galleon? Is the galleon metaphorical or real? It's hard to tell. You've got to work this line a little more and make its meaning more explicit.
Other things to consider: last line and structure. Your last line is lacking in punch or power, and instead seems to be predictable and bland. The last line by definition is the last line a reader will read, so make it stand out more. Also, your structure is strange. You cut lines at strange places. This makes it jumpy and disjointed: I can understand this if you're describing the storm (though I'm not sure the effect was fully intended) but it makes for a strange read, indeed ...