Published March 31, 2006
We destroy the Creed,
Where animals feed,
Some must take lead.
We are paper,
We destroy nature
We dig deep,
Into the creep,
Minerals in a heap
We are paper,
We destroy nature
Covered on the surface,
We must find a purpose,
Everything is in opus.
We are paper
We destroy nature
Yet we cannot cure disease,
Not until our bones freeze,
And once we are in peace.
It is Scissors,
Poisonous lizards
Age will control us,
Hit buy a bus,
Fate is a must.
It is Scissors,
Poisonous lizards
In the end we become a rock,
We are once unlocked,
We float from the dock.
Rock is nature.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Ahh, so much empty rhyming! Put down the rhyming dictionary! Some just don't make sense, as Rei pointed out.
It was entertaining though, and reminded me of Cake, too. Would fit well to a techno-ish rhythm.
My main problem with this is the rediculous rhymes. It seemed like you were just choosing any word that rhymed without worrying about how much sense it made. For example:
What does that mean? It looks like three random lines that having nothing to do with each other.
What does a bus have to do with anything?
Rhyming is a tricky business. Use rhyme all you want, but it has to make sense.
I revised this piece a bit ago here it is:
Rock Paper Scissors
We destroy the Creed,
Where animals feed,
Some must take lead.
We are paper,
We destroy nature
We dig deep,
Into the creep,
Minerals in a heap
We are paper,
We destroy nature
On the surface,
Must find a purpose,
Everything is in opus.
We are paper
We destroy nature
Cannot cure disease,
Til our bones freeze,
And once we are in peace.
It is Scissors,
It puts us in tethers
Age will control us,
Hit buy a bus,
Fate is a must.
It is Scissors,
It puts us in tethers
We become rock,
We’re once unlocked,
We float from the dock.
Rock is nature.
Unfortunately i cant find something to replace the tethers thing without b=not getting o my point.
I don't have anything particularly pointed to say.
It reminded me of Cake. Have you ever heard...? Like "Building a Religion" in tone and rythm - which worked. Good imagery.
This is the only thing that stuck out - for its meter. The previous, paper, was 4 syl-5syl - fit perfectly. It drags when tethers makes it 6 - at least in reading.
I enjoyed reading it; vividly could hear it with Cake's quirky, dark style.