Published December 14, 2008
Who do you go to when your life goes dark?
------
The Light
I see the light,
So distant,
And far,
A twinkling sphere,
That’s much like a star.
How it calls,
How it winks,
How it shines on my soul,
How it beams down upon my chest,
That now contains a hole.
In some forgotten place,
My heart,
Still beats,
But its will withers away,
And slowly depletes.
And so again,
I look,
Upon that light,
And ask you, God,
“Will you save me tonight?”
2008 Vincent Cuccolo
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141,444 Literary Works • 674,456 Reviews
Oh! I adore the theme of this poem. It's really great.
First off, I think some of your stanzas are just too short. Perhaps that was your intention, but it makes it feel strange. For example, your first stanza is three lines but it's still incredebly short. Maybe you could try to bulk them up, or combine?
I only have a few comments regarding it.
Speaking of bulking up, I think you should bulk up the imagery of the poem! It is a great meaning, like I said, but you could make so much more of it. In your first stanza you call the light "distant" and "far" but these both mean the same thing. It would be better if you just chose one, and chose a really good one. Even more so, it would be better if you showed us just how distant the light is away from you. Distant could be from here to the moon, or from here to my school. How distant is it?
I have questions about other things too. What is the hole like? How does it look, how does it feel in your chest? How does your heart beat? Quickly, loudly? Or soft, and slowly? Going into more detail about the things you're talking about will not only help to get the meaning across but it will give your poem so much strength! You can move away from using flimsy phrases, and having strong description of things. When you're describing, also, don't forget that humans have five sense, not just sight!
Best of luck, and if you have any questions feel free to message me!
Thanks!
This poem came from the heart, so I didn't put too much thought into it.
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
hi there!
This is good! I completely love it
I didn't find any grammar or punctuation mistakes, but I should advise you to not use a comma on the end of a line and then change to another stanza. At least it's what they tell me at school =P
The vocabulary was good... and you have a good story line. it lacks a bit of rhyming and that's sometimes bad, because when a poem has a certain flow, it's more fun to read
Anyway, this is good, so keep writing!