"You, Anastasia, are the only living relative of the Dragonborn. He bequeathed to you by deceleration of The Empire all the treasures he had acquired over the course of his life. Including his full estate of homes and Housecarls, should you become Thane of Skyrim's many Holds.
The Greybeards would wish of you to return to High Hrothgar where your brother wished to be buried and bound to the land he gave his life to save."
Anastasia tried to stifle a cry, I couldn't believe my brother was gone. He was the Dragonborn, he wasn't destined to die; he couldn't die! Worse still, it was her fault. She made a deal with Clavius Vile himself, upon returning his axe she told him of her intention to steal her brother's godly powers. Clavius smiled, a long broad smile which was shadowed with the undertones of evil all daedra hold. "Of course!" He snickered. I was instructed to sleep in an inn for the day and just like that, I would become the Dragonborn.
I awoke and I didn't feel any different, only until the courier came did I feel something. Grief. I contemplated visiting the Greybeards, would they know it was me? No, they couldn't have. I was quick to make my decision, I must visit him and pay my respects. I betrayed him, and that I cannot forgive myself for, nor can he forgive me. I just knew I had to pay him a last goodbye before turning away from Skyrim and all the guilt and grief it holds for me.
I came upon Ivarstead at the end of the night, having travelled between the mountains of the Throat of the World. I didn't stop to greet the people of Ivarstead, and instead just bee-lined for the inn, sleeping and weeping for the night. I awoke blurry eyed and stiff from the half-sleep I endured last night, I made some conversation with the inn-keeper and asked about the dangers of the 7000 steps. He told me he never made the journey himself, but Klimmek is always mentioning the odd lone or wolf pack.
I was slightly reassured when I heard that all I should be facing on the trek to High Hrothgar was a few wolves. I ran up the steps, not bothering to pray at the shrines and in turn I was given a few dirty looks from the pilgrims. Klimmek was mostly right, I had to dispatch of a few wolves and the odd frostbite spider. I was confident in my stride until I came upon a troll, I thought it wouldn't be able to catch me since he was atop a high ledge. Unfortunately, the thing jumped down with little self-preservation. This troll wanted blood, and I was determined not to give it to him.
I ran, mostly. Gathering help from the pilgrims that I regrettably ignored until this point. I had 2 of the pilgrims with me now and I thought we might actually have a chance of killing this thing, I was mistaken. A deathly roar emitted from it's gaping jaws, and my primal instinct was to run. I fought the urge and began slashing at it's legs, trying to get through the bloodied fat and fur to those tender muscles which would leave him incapacitated with a slash. We were losing though, the pilgrims had little more than a dagger and already one of them were badly injured and limping away from it's bloodthirsty attacker. I had to think fast, what did I know about trolls?
Fire, I thought. They don't like fire. I quickly shouted to the pilgrim to use a fire spell, which all Nords were taught to keep themselves warm in the coldest of winters, despite their reluctancy to study magic. It stunned the troll, and I had the chance to make a clean blow through it's skull. I drew my sword, prepared to strike; when I saw the wounded pilgrim and a state of heroism came over me. I rolled under one of the trolls' wailing arms and healed the Pilgrims' wombs enough for him to stand and fight. He smiled at me, and I gave a small comforting smile to him and suddenly all felt still as we made eye contact. The connection seemed to effect the both of us; we just stood there and smiled at each-other.
Then the world began to move again; we stood to face the troll together, using our flame spell's to stop it from rapidly healing. I noticed to my left that the pilgrim I healed was firing bolts of fire that struck the troll directly in the chest. He fell with a deathly wail. Then all was quiet once more among the steps leading up to High Hrothgar. The female pilgrim took her leave soon after that, saying that she was going to go back down to Ivarstead and take time to rest and heal. I assumed the pilgrim I healed would accompany her, but he lingered around the corpse of the scorched beast.
We stood in silence for a long time, and I was strangely shy around him. I think the same went for him, but I couldn't be sure. It seemed like hours passed while we stared at the ground, shuffling our feet and waiting for someone to make the first move. In the end I got tired of the silence and asked: 'So what's your name?'
His face seemed to brighten at me making conversation with him and he instantly grew in confidence. "I am J'zargo, pleased to make your acquaintance." I was surprised to find that he was very well-spoken, for Khajit seem to address themselves differently to us. I introduced myself and even went as far to say that I was the sister of the Dragonborn, but never told of my betrayal to him. He went on to tell me he was not a pilgrim, but a Mage from Winterhold and that he had come here in order to study the strange blessing the shrines gave when read in order. I kicked myself that I didn't know this, and vowed to come back one day. When all was said between me and J'zargo, I realized that I wanted him around, I was lonely in Skyrim without company and that I needed a companion, and J'zargo seemed that and more to her. Even if they had just met, they both noticed the bond that formed between them.
To my surprise, he agreed and then added that he would have to ask Winterhold College, but that he would see her soon. I didn't want to leave his side though, so I asked of him to stay with me while I went to High Hrothgar and then we shall go to the College together. He agreed, and I ran up the last of the 7,000 steps with him trailing close behind. As we entered High Hrothgar I was greeted by one of the Greybeards, but he seemed to eye J'zargo suspiciously. I did not want to anger the Greybeards, for fear they would ban me from their grounds, but I didn't want to see J'zargo mis-treated. The Greybeard who I now knew as Arngeir led me to behind High Hrothgar and onto the grounds where my brother first learned of his importance as Dragonborn. I was greeted by 3 other Greybeards and the funeral was led from there.
My brother was always the type to keep to himself, he didn't like large crowds and it seemed fitting that he only had a small funeral. When all the rites of the Thu'um were beheld over his grave and The Greybeards departed, I had one last time to say goodbye. I kneeled before his tombstone and laid my voice to a whisper: "I'm sorry brother, I have caused you and perhaps all of Skyrim pain unimaginable. I should have never grown jealous of you, we were better off when you became Dragonborn; and to think I have caused all this because of a single twisted wish. Skyrim is doomed, perhaps in your absence the whole of Tamriel shall be over-run by dragons and this could go as far as the whole of Nirn! Because of me." Tears came from my eyes, threatening to become icicles from the freezing temperatures of Skyrim.
Then something strange happened, something very strange. Thousands of small streams of light surrounded me, not bound by one colour but seemed to reflect several at the same time. I looked at them in awe, they didn't seem threatening, they almost seemed curious. I saw them meander in seemingly random directions, they looked to me, to J'zargo and finally The Greybeards. Then unexpectedly the air grew warm and all the streams of light changed direction. I 'absorbed' them, I could feel the power and warmth they gave bubbling inside of me. The last stream of light finally found it's way into my being and the night grew dark. I made a move to get up, but before I could take a step the ground shook and my brothers voice could be heard from below the ground. "Sister, you have not doomed me, but simply put me in the strong arms of Sovngarde. I shall revel in it's mead hall and be welcomed as a hero, but I'm afraid Alduin still has his clutches over those souls whom can not find their way through the fog that plagues this land. By Shor's hand I cannot help and fufill my destiny as Dragonborn, but you can.
"What do you mean!?" I shouted, still not taking my eyes off his grave.
The great booming voice that belonged to my brother chuckled, and simply said: "Sister, you are Dragonborn."
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I think their are a lot of problems with this story, one thing I have noticed in particular is that everything seems so fast. It caused me to re-read it and I have seemed to over-used (;) those.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello.
You are quite right that you have sped this along very quickly. Kyll's already linked an article on pacing for you to read, and I would suggest you do so. Here is the cliff notes version:
The main thing that struck me is the fact you're not really letting anything sink in. Writing is all about transporting us into the world of the MC, and you need to give us time to properly absorb what you're presenting us. It's age-old advice from public speakers and salesmen: don't be afraid of the pause. The pause is where thinking happens.
You also seem to have this story as first person, but the first person only begins three paragraphs into the work. This is rather jarring and makes me wonder whose viewpoint the first three paragraphs are even being told from. If they are a prologue of sorts, mark them with some sort of break (~ or - or *, ect) so readers know the viewpoint is about to switch. This eases any confusion.
If they aren't meant to be a prologue, please carry the first person up to the very beginning of the work.
In this introduction, you seem to have a contradiction in your MC. She's sad her brother is gone, honestly sad (that's what it looks like on first glance), then we find out its her fault. I looked at that and wondered what was going on, and wished you'd explored her emotional conflict there more. Or, in general, made it clearer from the beginning she knew he was going to die (she consciously made the choice to have him killed, after all).
Really think about your cause and effect in this piece. That helps you get a good flow going, and avoids confusion spots like the one I just mentioned. You have to weigh what the character knows and doesn't, and not give pieces of information that shouldn't be out of order in the wrong order just for cheap emotional effect. Non-liniar stories take skill and planning to pull off.
I would also take a good, hard look at your infodump of a beginning. Readers don't like infodump beginnings. To show you what I mean: in two paragraphs, we know her history, emotional state, history of the world, and what happens next. Just give us a strong emotional hook and move on, giving the rest of the information later. You already have a strong emotional hook if you detach it from the rest of the gunk keeping it from actually shining as an emotional hook. This article has more on beginnings.
Overall, slow down and polish away any unneeded information, to give readers time to absorb everything that's going on.
PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
He bequeathed to you by the rapid slowing down of The Empire? Oh my. How does that even work?
I think you meant "declaration". The thing about spelling checkers is that they don't pick up on words that are spelled correctly but misused, so it's always a good idea to keep a weather eye out for such when proofreading. Especially in your first few sentences.
While you got the drop the quotation mark at the end of the first paragraph bit down pat for the dialogue that spans multiple paragraphs bit, when continuing such dialogue, you do need to put a quotation mark at the start of every paragraph.
I hope that made sense. Just in case:
So, is this story told from the point of view of Anastasia, or a third party? Because right now, you're doing a lot of bouncing back and forth between Anastasia's point of view and a third party's, and it's very confusing.
Since the rest of the story seems to be told from Anastasia's point of view, there really shouldn't be any "Anastasia did X" bits in the narration.
And now we have a male with a womb, which means he can bear children. Oh my. I believe you meant "wounds".
As far as the pacing goes, the entire battle with the troll and the J'zargo bits struck me as being completely unnecessary. You could cut them out, and while the story would be much shorter, it would also feel less rushed.
There's also an article in the Knowledge Base on pacing that you might find helpful.
Overall, you have quite a number of misused words scattered around. I only pointed out the most obvious, but you really need to go through and fix all of them since they really hurt this piece.
Overall, I like it. I'm not good at reviews, so...
Use more adjectives...?
I spotted one of the plot problems you were talking about.
The sister is not in the kitchen making me a sandwich. In the words of Skyrim locals, "Damn shame..."