Hi! There are parts of this poem that I think are very strong, but other areas that could probably use a few changes. Let's start with the positives.
Firstly, the introductory section is very good. I like the choice of similes, and the fact that the reader is left wondering what it is that has collapsed. Secondly I enjoyed the ending, particularly the contrast between the "tiny inconsequential weight" of the thing that collapsed, and the tall mountain that it was compared to at the beginning.
There are, however, a few things that I'm not so keen on. I realise that the repetition of small in the middle section was probably deliberate, but I'm not really sure that it works. 'Small' is not a very interesting word, and after the first time it really feels like you're working too hard to drive the point home that this thing wasn't very big. There are plenty of other, more emotive words that could help to set the reader up with the feelings of pity and sadness that the last few lines deliver so well. In fact, I'd be tempted to cut "between its small teeth" entirely, and change the adjectives to describe the breath and the throat (e.g. weak and narrow?). Secondly, punctuation: I think you could do with changing some of the commas to periods, as it is currently just one sentence. If it were my work, I would probably have a period after snow, and after fell.
To sum up, I enjoyed the poem, but felt that it fell down a little in the middle.
Points: 689
Reviews: 5
Donate