12+ Language Violence

Lost - Prologue (Improved) and Chapter 1.A

PreviousNext

Prologue

The Office.

We were stuck. No amount of pushing on the buttons would move the lift. “Guess we will be here a while,” I say to my colleague. I bet you will. I clutched my bag, starting to sweat. I hoped he wasn’t able to hear the slow ticking inside it. I guess it was a false hope when there was no sound to mask it, in this dull, grey box they call a lift. Whoever designed this office was an idiot - next time they should add music. Now I have to start a conversation.

“So, uh, hey,” I said to my companion. “Um, my name’s Luca. How’s life, I guess?” Brilliant. You can’t even start some small talk in a lift.“Shut up”

“Excuse me?” My fellow worker stared at me. He looked very, very angry. Well done, well done. Now he thinks you’re crazy as well as stupid. AND he hates you. You are great at this. Do you mind if I take notes?

I told you to shut up!

“Are you ok? Or are you insane?” My colleague’s snarky remark brought me back to reality.

“Uh, Yeah, Yeah. I’m fine; I have had a rough day”

“Good. It’s your fault I’m stuck in this crappy little elevator, so you’d better have had a bloody terrible day. I’m late for a meeting now.”

“Wait a sec. My fault?! This could have happened to anybody.”

“Well, it happened when you walked in here, so it must be YOUR fault.”

Let me take over. I want to punch him in the face. No! Can I at least break his nose a little bit? I told you, no! And no taking over either. The last time you took over you set a house on fire! Technically it wasn’t. True. That’s because you completely blew it all up!

After about 5 minutes of the pointless arguing in my head, the lift doors finally opened. “I’m half an hour late because of you.” My colleague stated, before turning on his heels and storming off.

I checked the bomb. Two minutes until it went off. I had to run, and this new body was NOT built for that. I tried to, but my legs couldn’t go the same pace. I collided with a few people, causing one of them to drop their papers everywhere. “Sorry!” I shouted back at them. The only response I got were a couple curse words. I turned around a sharp corner, then bolted straight down that corridor. This caused me to trip over and face plant onto the hard, granite floor, the bomb sliding a few feet away from me. Everyone in the corridor turns to look at me, a few of them snickering at my misfortune. Idiots. Bravo, Bravo, great performance! I didn’t argue. It would just waste time. I ran all the way back to where I tripped and looked at the explosive. 10 seconds until we get a nice, big BOOM. I ran like hell into the room, slamming my face into the doorframe as I rushed in. DAMN IT THAT HURT. Language. Like you can talk. Ok, Mister Luca. I'm so naughty. I turned my attention back to the bomb,realising that I wouldn’t make it out if I tried to run. Instead, I threw the bomb as far away from me as I possibly could, then turned on my heels, ran to the window closest to me and dived into it.

My senses kicked into overdrive, the world around me slowing down to 50x slower than usual. I turned and saw the building slowly light up with flames, cracks spreading along the walls like an invisible spider weaving its web. Then, everything shattered, like a window that had been subjected to a high-pitched sound. Everything came outwards towards me and even though my head was ringing, my ears buzzing, I knew, deep in the corners of my mind, that my mission was a success.

Chapter 1 – Hiding

2 days later

I wandered down the street, looking at all the shop names as I walked by. I prefer this body to my last – It was fit and athletic instead of fat and flabby. Of course, it did make him harder to strangle, but harder work does usually means a better reward. I just hoped that the police would find ‘Luca’s’ body. Then I could finally relax. I even made it look like a suicide, with a gun in his hand and a bullet through his brain. I was NOT putting up with all that work for nothing.

I finally found the shop I was looking for: The newsagents. This is the only shop I go to nowadays. It’s always handy to know what’s on the news, especially if you are being hunted by some of the most ruthless bounty hunters out there: Soul Demons. That’s what they call themselves, and I am on the top of the most wanted list. That’s why I blew up that office block and killed ‘Luca.’ I was hoping that they would think I was dead, and so give up looking for me.

I walked in and had a look around at all the different newspapers. I checked The Times, The Sun. All the major newspaper’s. Finally, I found one with the news I wanted: “Bomber Man Found Dead in Alleyway.” I smiled, the first time I had done in weeks.Hello, it’s me again! My expression soured. As soon as I start having a good time you just have to come along and ruin it. Aww, don’t be like that. It makes me sad. No, it doesn’t. What makes you sad is not being able to ruin my fun. I stormed out of the shop. I could practically see the storm cloud above my head.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Po5eidon
Comment

Thank you for all of thee reviews! I am grateful for all of the feedback, and will work towards following them

Hi, me again.

Epilogue

I like the conflict going on between the him and the voice in his head. I think you do a good job of making him and the other him disagree. It lets the reader truly understand the disagreement between them, and how one just hates the other, thinking that it ruins his fun.
Also, good job of really making the Colleague seem like a total D bag.
My personal favorite moment was when it all went into slow motion. I enjoyed the way you described the building crumbling "like an invisible spider weaving it's web.". In all, It is a very good epilogue to the story.

Chapter 1

As for the first bit of chapter one, it's pretty good. I particularly like your choice of words, when you say "I wandered down the streets" and when you compare your the newer body to the last. Great job talking in first person, when you speak of the other body.
I noticed you changed it so he got his new body just before chapter one, because if he already had had it, the police would have been searching for the person in the new body.

Proofreading

Pretty good, no spelling mistakes, but when you write: “So, uh, hey,” I said to my companion. “Um, my name’s Luca. How’s life, I guess?” Brilliant. You can’t even start some small talk in a lift.“Shut up”, you need to add a space in between the . and the ". Also, further down, there is the same mistake. You wrote: "I smiled, the first time I had done in weeks.Hello, it’s me again!". Definitely, look out in case you make this mistake in the future.

In all, I love it!

User avatar
Trashcan
Review

Hi there! I'm not great at introductions so let's jump right in. :)
I don't have that much time so this will probably be a super quick review, just a heads up.
I just wanna say I really like this story so far! It's fairly easy to understand and has an interesting concept to it. I can't wait to read more!
I'm a little bit curious as to who this man's inner voice is (the one that talks in bold), and why he's in this guy's head as opposed to all the other people who have minds he could invade. I like him quite a bit, he's got spunk.
There are a few minor punctuation and capitalization errors, but I won't point those out.
Anyway, I hope you continue writing this story, have a great day!
-Trashcan :)

Thank you very much :D I'm glad you enjoyed it - Also, soon you shall see that the voice in our protagonist's head will play a VERY big role in the story... O.O

The anticipation is killing me! :D

User avatar
1nspire
Comment

Amazing story, just make sure that you’re writing is in the same tense. Overall, a great start, looking forward to reading more!!!



The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee; my heart is at your festival.
— William Shakespeare